October
The head of the
Townsend family was 80-year-old Nathan, but he resided in the Sunny Pines
Retirement Village and Nursing home in Pipershaven and was unlikely to leave
anytime soon.
So effectively
the patriarchal head of the family elect was his eldest son Kevin, although in
truth his wife Chloe was actually the brains of the outfit and Kevin’s role was
more as the figure head and Chloe’s was one of absolute ruler.
One of her
dictates was Sunday lunch, on the first Sunday of every month the whole family
were expected to attend the ritual gathering of the clan in Spaniards Creek.
Of course, it
wasn’t always possible for everyone to attend every month for a variety of
reasons but on the last Sunday in October it was to be a full house and that
had only happened once before, and the reason for the 100 percent turnout was
all because of eldest child Danny and the fact he was bringing his girlfriend.
Not that Danny
having girlfriend was unusual, far from it, in fact it would have been
difficult for the rest of the family to remember a time when Danny didn’t have
a girlfriend, and all of them had been unforgettable.
The reason for
that was that Danny’s choices would be best described as “interesting” girls.
He didn’t
really have a type, which you would have thought he would have done as he was
almost 30 years old, but they didn’t even have hair colour in common, body
shape, size, height, intellect, athleticism or age.
There had been
Karen, the tattooed one, bald Dakota, the multiple pierced Goldie, a butch one
called India, a Barbie doll named Pinkie, a goth, a punk, a biker, a pole
dancer and a wrestler who answered to the name Headcase.
So, when
word got out that Danny was bringing home another curiosity, nobody wanted to
miss it.
His mother,
Chloe, would have been happy enough had he not felt so compelled to keep
bringing them home, but he did, and he was rather like a cat who keeps bringing
home various recently departed creatures and dropping them on the doorstep for
mum to admire.
So, because of
the families’ curiosity there were 18 for Sunday lunch, including Danny and
whatever circus performer he might turn up with.
Not that the
numbers were a problem to Chloe in fact she relished it, she loved to cook and
the more the merrier to her way of thinking, it was her disappointment in Danny
for his appalling taste in women and his wounded expression at her disapproval
which just seemed to say” I’ve done it again haven’t I?”
So, on Sunday
morning when Danny’s car was spotted pulling onto the drive Chloe braced
herself as Kevin looked out the window.
“Well?” she
asked reluctantly
“Oh” he
exclaimed
“Is the good or
bad?”
“It’s good” he
replied “she looks normal”
“Really?” she
asked in surprise and joined him at the window and observed her sons latest
squeeze, 5-6 slim brunette, well dressed, well-groomed and really rather
pretty.
“Everyone’s
going to be so disappointed” Chloe said and smiled.
After all the
introductions had been done it seemed that not only did, she look normal, but
she also appeared to be normal in every other respect, she conversed well and
expressed no strong or controversial political views, she didn’t guffaw or
shriek when she laughed, and everyone seemed to take to her very well as Danny
looked on nervously.
But it appeared
that the only odd thing about her was her name which was Limone, which made
Kevin raise an eyebrow, but if that was the only strange thing about her then
he could live with that, but he had a nagging doubt at the back of his mind
that she might be too good to be true.
When lunch was
ready everyone made their way to the conservatory and took their places at the
huge table except those already designated to ferry in the food.
When the table
was sagging under the weight of Chloes generous hospitality, Kevin stood up
with a carving knife in one hand and a steel in the other and began stroking
the former on the latter and as Chloe removed the platter lids to reveal a
forerib of beef and a turkey crown he said
“What’s it to
be Limone, beef or turkey?”
“Oh, neither
thank you, I don’t eat meat” she replied, and a vein started to throb in his
temple.
This didn’t go
unnoticed, so she intervened in a soothing tone
“Not to worry
dear, just eat the Yorkshire puddings and the vegetable, we have duck fat roast
potatoes, buttered parsnips, asparagus in cream sauce and a rich gravy”
“I can’t eat
any of that I’m a Vegan” Limone stated, and a stunned silence descended and a
moment later after composing herself Chloe asked calmly
“You two have
been dating for two months now and you didn’t think that the fact she is a
vegan was important information to share with us when she’s been invited for a
meal?”
“That was my
fault” Limone said, “I told him not to say anything why?” Chloe asked in
disbelief
“I like to see
how people cope with the situation then I can gauge what kind of people they
are” she explained
“Really?” Chloe
said and sat down and then Kevin lay down his carving knife and shouted
“Well I’ll tell
you what kind of people we are, we are meat eating people, who use cheese,
butter and milk in their cooking, a lot of milk cheese and butter”
The tone and
volume of Kevin’s retort made her recoil, and she pushed back her chair from
the table and then he turned his attention on Danny
“As for you
son, I suggest you go out and find somewhere to buy a vegan meal for miss fussy
knickers”
“I’m not fussy”
Limone protested “it’s a lifestyle choice”
“It’s a fussy
choice” Kevin retorted
“What if I
can’t find one?” he asked meekly
“Then you’ll
have to take Lemsip outside and find a pebble for her to suck”
“It’s Limone”
she snapped as she stood up
“And now I know
what kind of a person you are” she screamed
“Really? Do
tell me what you think” Kevin said
“You’re a pig
Mr. Townsend, that’s what I think”
“Well you’re
the only one that does, because if everyone else did they’d have killed me and
cooked me already” he said brandishing the carving knife and she screamed
before she turned on her heels and left and Danny trotted after her
“You enjoyed
that didn’t you?” Chloe asked
“Very much” he
admitted, and they all laughed, and he continued with the carving.
After Limone
departed with Danny in her wake the rest of the assembled clan turned their
attention back to lunch, but it took about 30 seconds before proceedings to
descend into laugher as they recounted the Vegan incident with several attempts
by those present to mimic Limone and Kevin’s confrontation and when that was
exhausted they recounted tales of Danny’s earlier disasters, which took most of
the afternoon.
Danny caught up
with Limone a little way down the road heading towards the bus stop and it took
all of his effort to persuade her back to the car where he could drive her home
but suffice is to say that they were no longer an item whether she accepted or
not, and he was soon on the lookout for another girlfriend.
After Limone there were to be three more “interesting” girls invited to Sunday lunch before he finally brought home an uninteresting one answering to the name of India, but it took three Sundays before she was finally declared normal and Danny was able to look at his mum and not see disappointment in her eyes.
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