PERFECT LOVE CAN BE ILLUSIVE

 

Perfect love can be illusive

For perfect love is unique

Perfect sex is not exclusive

For perfect sex is just technique

Loving Christmas Linda – The Special Embrace

 

51-year-old Paul Hartley found himself stranded in a strange town with less than a week to go before Christmas.

Although to be fair an unfamiliar town would have been a more accurate description, but nonetheless he was stranded almost a hundred miles from home in Abbeyvale, with a seriously sick car in the garage and a distinct lack of will to contemplate traveling home to the north by train.

In truth he was in no hurry to return home to the empty soulless house that he was once happy to call home, which now held no comfort for him.

Paul’s wife of twenty-five years, Elaine, had died earlier that year, finally losing her battle with cancer.

Their three children were all grown up now with homes and families of their own so there was only him in a house full of reminders.

The house would be full at Christmas, full of noise and hustle and bustle, and the usual mix of love, laughter and tears, but for now it was cold and empty.

So he booked himself into the Abbeyvale Court Hotel for the weekend and he would drive home on Monday once the car had been resurrected.

Finding himself in a strange (unfamiliar) town just a handful of days before Christmas and with more than a little time to kill he decided he could fill part of his day by doing some last-minute Christmas shopping.

So after breakfast on Saturday morning he left the Hotel and as Paul stepped outside he shivered, the day was cold, grey and damp and clouds scudded across the December sky, it was the kind of day that chilled you to the bone.

He made his way towards the high street, which was only a five-minute walk, the receptionist had assured him with a smile, as she jotted down some brief directions.

In an effort to warm himself up he walked briskly following her directions down the narrow almost Dickensian lanes and alleyways, passing picturesque Victorian and Tudor buildings, well mock Tudor at least, as he went.

It was indeed five minutes when he emerged onto the busy cobbled pedestrianized high street which was a curious mixture of the ancient and the modern.

At one end of the street a Norman Church was visible and at the other was what appeared to be a municipal building with rather pretentious Georgian columns.

There was still evidence of a row of Edwardian shop fronts but much of the street was modern with a little too much sixties influence to be easy on the eye in Paul’s opinion.

The street was crisscrossed along its full length with festive lights and decorations which did their best to brighten the scene.

Paul decided to familiarize himself with what the town had to offer in the way of shops, so he turned left and joined the throng of shoppers, with gloomy faces to match the weather, and headed towards the Georgian pillared building which turned out to be the public library.

As he dodged between the Christmas Lemmings Paul made a mental note of the shops that interested him, which he would return to.

His progress was hampered by erratic shoppers who appeared to move independently to any logic.

Some seemed to zigzag everywhere and very few possessed the ability to walk in a straight line for more than a few paces and others would take a few steps and then stop for no apparent reason, then after a few moments pause carry on, normally in the same direction.

The sound of cheery Christmas songs and carols could be heard from every shop he passed though the cheeriness of the music was clearly not reflected on the faces of the shoppers going in and out of them.

As he passed one shop Noddy Holder screamed “it’s Christmas” to the outside world, just in case any of the reluctant shoppers were in any doubt.

When Paul reached the other end of the high street where the Norman Church stood there was a little square, which he wasn’t able to see before, in the center of which was the war memorial, and to its left was a magnificent Christmas tree, festooned with a myriad of assorted baubles, ornaments, tinsel, lights and surmounted by a beautiful angel.

Assembled around the tree was the Salvation Army band and Paul took a few moments to admire the tree and listen to the band and while he listened he was taken back to a distant time and place where he and the love of his life had held hands as they sang along.

The clock chimed, and he was brought back to the present and he took a few more moments while he decided on his first port of call, not realizing at the time just how important a decision it would prove to be.

Paul decided on Woolworths, always a favorite of his at Christmas, but on this occasion, it also happened to be the closest, so he walked briskly towards the store and pushed open the door.

As he prepared to enter he paused to hold the door open for a woman coming the other way and he waited patiently as she put her purse away into a huge handbag and he wondered what response he would get for his trouble.

Paul had found that the older he got the less women appreciated courtesy, the simple act of holding open a door could provoke a wide range of responses, a smile, a thank you, a nod, a sneer, a tut, an accusation of male chauvinism or a colorful mouth full of abuse, and he couldn’t always tell who was going to do what.

When the woman had finished fiddling and securing her bag she moved to step through the open door and as she passed Paul she looked up and said

“Thank you” followed by a broad smile, and then she stopped in her tracks as Paul returned her smile and then he too just stood there.

Both of them stood motionless on the threshold as slowly the recognition set in and they were both dumbstruck, not believing their eyes.

Neither of them were sure how long they stood looking at one another for, but long enough for a queue to form behind each of them.

When they realized what they had done they both blushed and excused themselves and stepped out onto the street away from the door apologizing profusely.

When they were clear of the crowd neither of them knew what to say, and still couldn’t believe their eyes, but Paul knew in his heart without a doubt that he was looking at Linda Parsons, who he had last seen 30 years before being driven off in a taxi, disappearing off through the snow, with her palm pressed against the glass as she craned her neck to keep sight of him through the snow spattered window until the very last moment, until the cab had gone from his sight.

But here she stood before him as beautiful as ever she was in his eyes, the soft curls of her light brown hair, which hung beneath her hat, still danced about her shoulders, it just had fine strands of silver threaded through it.

Her smile was still able to melt his heart, even after all those years and her smiling eyes still had the same sparkle and he thought the years had been kind to her and less so to him.

As he studied her he was fumbling for the right words to express his joy at seeing her when she reached up and hugged his neck, kissing his cheek at the same time, and spoke softly in his ear.

“Paul, is it really you?”

He simply said “yes” and they stood in a long comfortable embrace, and he didn’t know how long they stood there, not wanting to let go before she relaxed her grip and he kissed her forehead

“It’s so good to see you” he said feebly, and she put her head on his chest, squeezed him and sighed.

Linda released her grip and pulled away slightly and put her hand up to his cheek and caressed his grey beard.

“Do you have time for coffee?” She asked almost pleadingly

“Of course,” Paul said, and she put her arm through his and led him across the high street, asking quick fire questions as they went.

Paul explained about his car breaking down and that he was staying at the Abbeyvale Court Hotel as he was in no rush to return home

She responded with “oh really” and “oh dear” internally delighting in his misfortune as they walked into the nearest coffee shop, Café Société, and sat on a large comfortable sofa and over coffee they told the tales of their lives spent apart.

And throughout Paul looked at her with adoring eyes, periodically pinching himself, expecting to awake from a dream, as he had done so very many times before.

He told her about his wife and children and she told him of her marriage to Daniel and the subsequent divorce.

The good man that Paul gave Linda up for turned out to have feet of clay and degenerated into a violent drunk, they had no children, which although unsaid was clearly a regret for her.

With the aid of several cups of coffee they managed to talk away the entire morning and Paul suggested they might spend the rest of the day together and have dinner together at the hotel.

Linda readily accepted the invitation to dinner with a delightful smile but then she looked at her watch and suddenly jumped up in alarm

“Look at the time, I have to go” she flustered then she said she had a prior commitment

“Lunch with mum” she added rather unconvincingly, saying it was something she couldn’t get out of as he helped her back into her coat, the smell of her hair evoking memories of their past embraces.

She fished out her mobile phone as they left the coffee shop, from her huge handbag and they exchanged phone numbers, and firmed up the details for the evening, then with a hug and a kiss she was off.

Paul stood and watched her walk away, her coat tails swishing behind her, she stopped briefly and turned to give him a smile and a wave, then with the phone to her ear she hurried off again talking animatedly and he stood watching until she disappeared from sight before he went back to his Christmas shopping and treated himself to a new shirt for the evening.

Paul bought all the gifts he was looking for, plus paper, tags, cards etc. and with all his shopping complete he returned to the hotel for a late lunch.

After that the rest of the day seemed intolerably long, and in an effort to kill some time he went for a swim, used the gym, and then went for a walk.

He got a haircut, even though he didn’t need one, he even wrapped the Christmas presents he had bought that morning, but the time passed so interminably slowly.

 

Paul walked into the hotel bar at 7 o’clock, an hour early, partly for some Dutch courage and in part because he had run out of things to do so he ordered a drink and then sat at the bar.

Even though he wasn’t expecting her until eight, every time the door opened he turned to look for her and when it wasn’t her his self-doubt crept in, and with every false alarm the doubts got worse, what if she doesn’t come? What if she changed her mind? What if she never intended to come? What if? What if? What if?

Then at a quarter to the hour the door opened and there she was, the love of his life, and every bit as beautiful to him as ever, in spite of the passing years.

Linda was wearing a simple black knee length dress, black tights or stockings and four-inch stiletto shoes, and he thought her legs were as shapely as he remembered them.

In fact he thought that everything about her was as wonderful as he remembered, even though she was thirty years older.

She held a black leather clutch bag in her hand and her face looked a little anxious until Paul stood up and then it lit up with the most radiant smile.

Relieved to find him there, she walked towards him almost tottering on her heels and that made her laugh.

“Hello” She said, and he responded “Hi” and took her hand as she climbed onto a stool.

Paul kissed her cheek and the fragrance of her perfume was quite intoxicating, going straight to his head like a strong spirit and the combination of her scent and his desire for her almost made him swoon.

He ordered her a drink and they nervously made small talk, like two strangers on a blind date, until the waitress led them through to the restaurant.

“How did your lunch with your mum go?” Paul asked once they were seated at their table and she blushed the deepest red in response

“The lunch date was a little white lie” she admitted

“Oh?”

“Because I needed the afternoon to get ready” she said, “for this”

“And the animated phone call you were having when you left?”

“Was to my sister, to rally the troops and get me presentable” she confided and they both laughed and any awkwardness between them was gone.

“Well, all I can say is that it was time well spent” he said, and she blushed again at the compliment.

Over dinner they talked with such an easy familiarity as if her departing taxi had only been a week earlier rather than 30 years.

By the time they had finished their coffee the restaurant was empty except for Paul and Linda and a very weary waitress waiting to clear their table.

The evening seemed to have passed by in the blink of an eye and had all too soon come to an end.

They got up and made their apologies and Linda went through the door to the ladies while Paul signed the bill.

“Good night” he said, “and I must apologize again for keeping you so late”

After leaving a large tip on the table he went in search of Linda through the same door she had used, and he found her standing by the Christmas tree.

She had retrieved her coat and scarf from the cloakroom, which were draped over one arm, and her bag was in her hand.

Linda stood with her back to him gazing out of the window, but she could see his reflection in the glass and smiled at him and he gasped at the beauty of her and pinched himself again.

He wanted to kiss her so much, but he was afraid, afraid to break the magic of that special kiss, that perfect moment when they kissed in the snow all those years earlier when he let her slip from his grasp.

For 30 years he had revered that moment, reliving it whenever on a winter’s night he heard the Salvation Army play, or when the snow fell during Christmas time, or when he felt a snowflake on his skin, or stood in a taxi queue on a winter’s night.

For 30 years he had wanted to be back there in that moment holding her in the snow, and there she stood a few steps away from him, yet he was hesitant.

But as if sensing his turmoil, she turned away from the window and he took those few steps to face her.

They stood beside the Christmas tree for a few moments just looking at each other, then she smiled her most heart melting smile as she caressed his cheek before she pulled him to her and kissed him gently on the lips, a warm sensitive and tender kiss.

When their lips touched electricity ran down his spine and it was as if they were young again.

When their lips parted she smiled at him coyly and flushed a deep shade of pink and a second later they met again, and her kiss became more intense, more passionate.

Her coat, scarf and bag fell to the floor as their arms enveloped each other and they stood locked in passionate embrace as the tree lights twinkled beside them.

Linda pulled away for a moment before burying her face in his neck and then softly spoke in his ear.

“You see, that was as good as the first time”

“How could I have doubted it would be perfect?” he responded and cupping her flushed cheek in his palm before he slid his fingers beneath her soft brown curls and caressed the soft downy hair on her nape as he pulled her head toward him, so he could kiss her sweet lips again.

The next time they paused she put her head on his chest, still holding on to him so tightly as Paul kissed the top of her head and smelled her hair.

He held her and didn’t want to let her go, and then he said

“Please stay, I can’t watch you disappear from my life again in another taxi”

In response she lifted her head from his chest and looked at him and said

“I’m not letting you go again, not now, not ever”

Then she smiled at him coyly and blushed like a virgin before she buried her face in his chest again.

A moment later she scooped up her coat, scarf and bag from the floor and took his hand and they walked in silence to his room.

Outside in the corridor she looked deeply into his eyes and kissed his mouth before Paul opened the door and let her walk inside.

She immediately dropped her coat and bag onto a chair and turned to face him as he followed her and she reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck and whispered in his ear

“I never stopped loving you”

Paul’s arms enveloped her and pulled her close to him and then they kissed, at first soft and tender but then more urgently and he began to un-wrap his most special Christmas gift, wrapped in lace and silk instead of paper and ribbon.

Caressing her body from neck to lacy stocking top and their love was at last made absolute.

When their act of love was complete, and their dreams realized they lay holding each other in the afterglow, silently content until they drifted off to sleep.

 

Paul awoke to find Linda stood silhouetted against the window, gazing out into the night, wearing his shirt to cover her nakedness and she turned her head to look at him and said

“It’s snowing”

Paul slipped out of bed and joined her at the window, and standing behind her encompassing her in his arms they watched as the snow settled on the courtyard and she hugged his arms and said

“How perfect is that?”

They stood for a few minutes taking in the snowy scene, both thinking back to the last time they enjoyed the snowfall together then she inclined her head, so he could kiss her and when his hands moved from her soft belly and cupped her breasts she led him back to the bed and they made love again.

 

He woke early the next morning and lay in the half light and held Linda’s sleeping form in his arms and as he lay there he thought how good the fates had been to them that weekend.

If his car hadn’t broken down, and had he not rejected the idea of taking the train, he would not have been shopping on that cold grey morning.

He thought about the moments he spent admiring that tree in the square and listening to the Salvation Army band, and what thought processes made him do what he did.

Was it destiny that he chose to start his shopping at Woolworths, and at the very that moment Linda was preparing to leave, or just blind luck?

They could have chosen any one of the five doors along Woolworths frontage but they both chose the same one, surely that had to be fate.

Although it didn’t really matter to him, all he knew for sure was that 24 hours before that day his life had been so sad and empty and now it was full to overflowing and he was finally with his soul mate.

Linda was in Paul’s life at last and he wanted her never to leave it again, but if fate decreed that the special embrace on one special night of that special weekend was all they could have then he would have been content, but he didn’t have to.

 

PARAMOUR IN THE WINGS

 

Paramour in the wings

Mistress in waiting

The smitten kitten

With the concubine heart

I HAVE A PICTURE OF YOU

 

I have a picture of you,

In my wallet,

It’s a little the worse for wear

But I treasure it

I’m sure you’ll remember it

It was on the sea front

That last day I spent with you

I thought it was a happy day

You seemed happy too

I often study that little snap

Looking for any tell tale signs

But if they exist, they evade me

It doesn’t show in your eyes

There’s no hint in your smile

But still you left me

THE FIRST REAL KISS

 

She leaned her face towards me

Slowly, yet purposefully

And touched my lips gently with hers

For just the merest moment

A single spinetingling moment

Then she stopped

And pulled her head away

Looking deep into my eyes
With a commanding gaze

Which demanded loudly

That I should reciprocate

I wrapped my arms around her waist

Pulling her close to me.

When our lips met this time

They parted on contact

And our tongues flicked

Vigorously exploring each other’s mouths

It was my first real kiss

And what a kiss it was

A toe curling

Nerve tingling

Sweet moment of bliss

Loving Christmas Linda – The First Embrace

 

Outside in the winter night, snow spattered, unseen, against the other side of the steamy glass, glass which reflected back images like mirrors against the dark beyond.

It was a fairly crowded Friday evening train, but not full, there were still a number of empty seats, one of which was next to 21-year-old Paul Hartley.

The carriage was occupied by a mixture of weary shoppers, shopping bags bursting at the seams and commuting workers content that the weeks work was done, all journeying homeward at the dark days end.

A cheerful crowd though, Paul thought, pleased with themselves for a variety of reasons, bright faced and hearty and full of seasonal cheer and anticipating the Christmas holiday and seemingly oblivious to the drafty carriage, and the winter weather beyond it.

Paul sat alone as the train rattled out of Nettlefield Station and felt lifted by the quiet jolliness as he contemplated the collective countenance of his self-satisfied travelling companions and then she appeared, and Paul was all at once lifted higher.

Because there she was, larger than life, vivacious and self-assured, covered with snowflakes and laughing to herself.

It was his snow angel, Linda Parsons, with snow covering her like sugar on a doughnut, a delicious confection he would have gladly consumed.

Linda was wrapped up against the cold in a red woolen hat and coat and a long-knitted scarf draped about her neck.

Still laughing, she shook her head and the light brown hair that hung beneath her hat, danced about her shoulders and the snowflakes settled on them melted away from her soft curls.

There was a rosy redness on her cheeks, almost matching the hue of her coat, either from the cold winter evening or a liberal taste of Christmas spirit, a little of both Paul assumed.

Linda made her way unsteadily down the train between the seats leaving wet snowflakes in her wake with her full-length coat swishing from side to side.

She moved almost gracelessly, which Paul thought suited her well, as she tottered a little in her high heeled boots, perhaps due to the lurching motion of the train or the Christmas punch and eggnog at the office party.

As Paul studied her she was still laughing softly to herself, which he thought also suited so well, and then she saw him, and her eyes lit up like beacons, and he sighed as he looked into those wonderful, sparking, laughing eyes as she stopped and stood momentarily open mouthed, and then her smile illuminated the carriage and his heart soared at the sight of her and as Paul returned her smile she flushed a little deeper red.

It had been almost a year since he had last seen her, and she was his lovely lost love, Linda, and it had been a hard year for him, in which he had locked all his feelings for her away, but the instant he saw her they were back with a vengeance.

It was like a door had opened in his heart and they all rushed out, he had missed her so much in that time, but he didn’t know just how much until that moment.

They were never lovers, only ever friends, but very special friends, very close friends, though nothing more.

They liked each other’s company, they would have lunch together, journey to and from work on the same bus, shared a cab when the need arose and laughed a lot together, shared confidences, and talked incessantly, because they were best friends but that was as far as it ever went, though he wanted more, he wanted so much more but Paul didn’t want to lose what they had together, so he said nothing.

He loved her so much that it hurt, but she was not free for him to love and Linda was not free to love him even if she had wanted to, so Paul contented himself with their special friendship and his unrequited love remained just that.

If that was all he could have then better that than nothing, so he was happy to love her unconditionally.

They had plenty of opportunities to see each other as they both lived in the same road in Millmoor, he with his cousin and she with her parents, and they both worked at St Augusta’s Hospital in Nettlefield, where Linda was a clerical assistant and Paul was a porter.

And that unrequited love affair could have gone on indefinitely had circumstances not changed for him when his father died.

As a result, he had to move away to look after his mother and he didn’t see Linda again, not until that moment.

When she was standing in front of him, his angel, larger than life, smiling, blushing, laughing and oh so lovely.

Paul stood up and smiled at her again and she threw herself at him and Linda hugged him so tightly and as she did so, he smelled her hair as he held onto her and was intoxicated by her scent and all the old feelings flooded back, over whelming him.

Paul had often dreamt of being reunited with her, but never in his wildest dreams had he expected such a reaction from her.

“Could it be my love is not unrequited?” he wondered

They sat down heavily on the lumpy seats in the rattling carriage and to all intents and purposes were completely alone.

They sat looking at each other in silence not wanting to lose sight of one another just in case the spell was broken.

Linda removed a glove and put her hand on his as if testing it was not a dream and he was really there, in substance.

“It really is you” she said and then she slipped her hand into his, her delicate fingers lacing between his, her hand so small in his grasp.

For the remainder of the journey they reveled in each other’s company as they caught up with the lost months, filling in the gaps of their time apart, and as they did so they remained oblivious to their traveling companions, it was as if they had never been apart.

But apart they most certainly had been, she still worked at the hospital in Nettlefield and lived at home in Millmoor while he now lived in Nettlefield and worked for Stephenson’s Supermarket’s as a Warehouse manager.

Linda playfully chastised him for disappearing so completely from her life.

“I thought it was the only way” he said, intimating the disposition of his feelings to her for the first time.

“I’ve missed you so much” she said and squeezed his hand and then the train shook to a halt as all too soon they had arrived at Millmoor Station and their fellow travelers all rushed off into the winter air heading towards their Christmases.

Reluctantly Paul and Linda left their seats and disembarked from the carriage arm in arm, then hand in hand as they walked slowly along the platform, still talking and laughing, until they handed over their tickets and then stepped out of the Station and onto the street, where the shops were now closing and the town had settled down to a relative quiet, although from one pub Noddy Holder screamed “it’s Christmas” to the outside world and only the pubs and restaurants seemed to hold any attraction to the remaining Millmoorian’s.

Paul and Linda however were not interested in noisy hostelries, so they joined a small group gathered round the Salvation Army band and joined in with the carol singing in the town square before reluctantly strolling towards the taxi rank as the snow again fell onto Linda’s soft curls.

They were both bound for different parts of town, Linda, had to get home to babysit her sister and Paul was bound for The Downshire Grey where he was meeting up for a Christmas drink with friends.

They took their place in the queue of travelers eager to be home, Paul was eager to be nowhere else but with Linda and he shuffled along for the last few steps like a sulky schoolboy.

Linda was smiling as she turned to face him and kissed him gently on the lips, such a warm sensitive and tender kiss, their first ever kiss, and when their lips parted she smiled at him coyly and flushed a deep shade of pink.

“I’ve wanted to do that for so long” she said, and Paul kissed a snowflake off her nose and cupping her flushed cheek in his palm he slid his fingers beneath her soft brown curls and caressed the soft downy hair on her nape as he pulled her sweet lips to his and returned her kiss.

Linda’s arms enveloped him, holding him so close, and so tightly, not wanting to let go, not wanting to lose what they had found and not wanting to lose him again.

They stood locked in their first passionate embrace as the snow fell softly on the scene until Linda pulled away for a moment before burying her face in his neck and saying softly.

“I’ve missed you so much, I’ve missed your love for me”

Paul had waited so long for that moment, waited so long to hear those words, to hear his love returned and then they kissed again.

Taxi’s arrived and departed through the slush and the queue around them just kept moving as if unaware of the depth of their love.

After an indeterminate period, they moved from the queue and found a bench in the town square, in a quiet spot with a view of the Christmas Tree and talked.

The substance of that talk was of love, a shared love, an unquenchable love.

Not an unrequited one as Paul had supposed because Linda had the same profound feelings for him, she had always done so she said, but she had not been free to pursue her love for Paul a year earlier and she was still not free.

So, Linda was torn between the two loves in her life, torn between the comfortable familiarities for a good man, a loyal and dependable man, for safety if you like, and the passion she felt for a soul mate.

Paul was similarly conflicted, Linda was the love of his life and he would never, could never love another in the same way, but it wasn’t fair on Daniel, her other love, her childhood sweetheart, he hadn’t done anything wrong.

Paul had been on the receiving end of that kind of pain and he found himself unable to inflict it onto another, even if he were a rival, so the conclusion to their converse as they cuddled on the quiet bench was that their love was a forbidden one, and had to be set aside.

They could be best friends no more, not now the genie was out of the bottle, though they both wanted more, so much more.

Paul could not content himself with the special friendship that they had once treasured, not now that he knew his love was not unrequited.

There was no going back, now Pandora’s Box had been opened, but at least now he knew she loved him with the same depth of feeling as he loved her.

After they had reached the conclusion of their frank exchange they slowly walked hand in hand back to the taxi rank and kissed again in the falling snow.

They joined the queue and all too soon it was her turn and after a final kiss she got into a taxi and through the winter wonderland Linda departed taking Paul’s love with her.

As the Taxi drove away with Linda in the back, with her palm pressed against the glass, she craned her neck to keep sight of him through the snow spattered window until the very last moment, until the cab had gone from his sight.

Linda was gone from his arms, gone from his view, gone from his life but a Christmas happening had changed his life forever, after a brief encounter, fleeting, here and then gone.

Her scent was still in his nostrils, the taste of joy on his lips, and his soulmate was gone forever, yet she remained forever in his memory, forever in his heart.

He resolved that he would never see her again and moved away in the New Year to avoid another chance encounter and make a life elsewhere, but Paul never forgot Linda.

And when on a winter’s night he heard the Salvation Army play, or when the snow falls during Christmas time, or when he felt a snowflake on his skin, he feels her small hand in his and all at once she is in his arms once again, and he can smell her soft brown hair and the taste of her is on his lips and he hears her say “I love you” and Linda is his forever.

 

OUR LOVE IS OLD

 

Our love is old,

Our love is true,

When we’re apart

Our hearts are blue

I love you madly

And you love me too