Open your eyes Angel
Wipe away the sleep
Be very careful
Don’t sell yourself cheap
Watch out angel
Whatever you do
He’ll break your heart
And make you blue
He’ll get what he wants
Then he’ll wave goodbye
Leaving you sullied
Leaving you to cry
He will have a place to go
For his next bit of frilly lace
Another silly girl
Just as easy to disgrace
Another notch on the bedpost
Another easy conquest
Leaving you alone
Broken hearted and bereft
I love Pooh bear
And Paddington bear
I love my panda bear
And my teddy Bear
But most of all I must declare
I love my honey bare
You slipped through my fingers
All those yesterday’s ago,
How the regret still lingers
Of the way I let you go
The Herriott’s and the
Issacs’s had lived in Nettlefield for many generations and both families had
been well represented in the Downshire Light Infantry over the years, and the
latest were Sgt Martin Herriot and Lance Corporal Emma Issacs.
The pair were not
entirely unknown to each other, even though they were in different battalions
and there were more than four years difference in their ages, because Martin
had briefly dated her older sister, who was also in the Downshire’s, but Martin
and Emma hadn’t seen each other since they broke up, until the day of the
Queen’s Birthday Parade.
The parade was held on
the same day as the Trooping of the Colour by the Household Guards.
It was performed with
less pageantry and was less grand than its London cousin, but was nonetheless
as important, especially to the Downshire’s.
He was part of the Honour Guard and she was a flag bearer and right out
of the blue she kissed him just before the Parade but never got the chance to
revisit it as she went off on a training exercise with the 3rd
Battalion while he remained at Regimental HQ.
In the time that elapsed he endowed the kiss with immense importance but
was riddled with self-doubt and wondered if she was secretly glad that they
hadn’t followed up and even wished it had never happened.
It didn’t help him that he had no means of contacting her except through
official channels, which of course was a non-starter.
He just hoped that when she returned to Nettlefield he would find out
straight from the horse’s mouth and put him out of his misery.
However four days before she and the 3rd Battalion arrived
back in Nettlefield the 1st Battalion were deployed at short notice
to cover ports and airports due to a major security alert.
By the time the crisis was over and Martin was back at HQ Emma was gone
again, on a special weapons training course.
As the months went by and they kept missing each other Martin convinced
himself that whatever it was that prompted the kiss back in June was an
aberration, nice obviously, surprising undoubtedly, but in the scheme of things
it was just an anomaly.
In November he was part of the Remembrance Day proceedings at
Abbottsford Cathedral and was walking through Cathedral Park to the rallying
point with about an hour to spare and stopped by the boating lake to look out
across the water when he a voice said
“Nothing better to do Sergeant?”
He vaguely recognised the voice but wasn’t sure so he slowly turned
around.
“Emma” he said, “I thought you were away weapons training”
“I was”
“When did you get back?” he asked unsure whether he should kiss her
cheek or not, so didn’t
“A couple of days ago” she replied
“It’s great to see you” Martin said
There was an indeterminate period when they just stood looking at each
other as they remembered the last time they were together and he wanted to say
how tortuous the last few months had been, but he didn’t know if she’d even
given him a second thought in that time, so the words wouldn’t come.
There was a quiet cough from behind her and when she turned around she
saw it was another soldier.
“I have to go” she said
“Oh ok, urm…” He began
“I’m flag bearer at the Parade” She said
“Will I see you afterwards?” he asked
She just smiled and nodded and then walked smartly away, and he tried to
read something into the smile, but he was still none the wiser, but then she
reappeared.
“I’ll meet you back hear after the service” she said and with a sideways
glance left and right she kissed him
“They’ll be more of that later” Emma said and trotted away at the double
and he finally had his answer.
It was
Christmas Eve and the Hartley household in the village of Clerembeax St Giles was
decorated for the season.
A large
fresh cut tree stood in the corner, perfuming the room and was festooned by a
myriad of assorted baubles, ornaments, tinsel and lights.
Christmas
cards of all shapes and sizes adorned every surface and more hung on bright red
and green ribbons suspended from the picture rails and bright colored Christmas
garlands hung gaily, crisscrossing the ceiling.
Outside,
through a break in the dark clouds, a shaft of week winter sunlight shone
through the window reflecting off the garlands and painted random patterns on
the walls and ceiling.
76-year-old
Paul Hartley sat watching TV in his favorite armchair in the front room of the
house he shared with his wife and soul mate Linda, the woman he loved more than
life itself.
Both of
them had been married before, but Linda was the love of his life and they had
spent 30 years apart before they found each other again, when their own
Christmas miracle happened 25 years before.
And as a
result of that Christmas miracle they had had 25 years of incredible happiness.
Paul and
Linda had made good use of the years they had together to make up for the lost
time when they were apart and as a couple they had had the fullest of lives.
Christmas
had always held particular significance for them, it was their favorite time of
year and had always been so, because their most meaningful moments together
happened at Christmas time, finding love together, losing each other, finding
each other again, and marrying each other, that’s why Paul called her Christmas
Linda.
And because
Christmas was so significant to them they did Christmas big and they relished
every moment, they would pack away all the ornaments and pictures, and replace
them with the festive decorations they had collected over the years, then there
would be a houseful on Christmas day and Boxing Day where they shared the
celebration with family and friends, and when the festivities were over they
would fly off to the sun for a few weeks, just the two of them.
Neither of them
could abide the New Year’s holiday so they took themselves away to enjoy each
other’s company.
But alas on
their 26th Christmas together the season held no joy for Paul, even
James Stewart in “It’s a wonderful life” could not lift his spirits and the
reason for his gloomy disposition lay in the next room, where the dining table
used to stand.
Where they
had so many wonderful Christmas dinners, the room full of the happy chatter of
good company, the table heaving under the weight of Christmas fare.
But in its
place now stood a stark and clinical hospital bed and laying upon it the most
precious thing in his life, Linda, surrounded by all the paraphernalia of
terminal illness.
Her once
vibrant body riddled with inoperable tumors, their evil spread consuming her
from within and as the cancer was so far advanced, when it was discovered she
refused what little treatment there was on offer and she also stubbornly
refused to die in hospital or a hospice.
Linda said
she wished to die in the home where she had known such great happiness, so how
could he refuse her such a simple wish?
He employed
a private nurse who sat with her at night and Paul tended her himself by day
and he watched her dying by inches every single day, it seemed to him to be the
cruelest of punishments for being so happy.
Paul’s
first wife was taken by cancer and that was hard enough to bare.
It was always
so hard when someone you love suffers before your eyes, but as much as he loved
his first wife and as hard as it was to watch her die, it was nothing compared
to the intolerable despair that he felt losing Linda.
She was not
only his wife she was his love, his life, his soul mate, she was the one, the
love of his life, his Christmas Linda.
He would
sit with her and read to her, sometimes Dickens, Stephen King or Tom Sharpe, depending
on her frame of mind.
On her
brighter days she would have him tell her jokes, she always said he was the only
one who could make her laugh.
Her brown
hair with its soft curls had long since turned silver and the sparkle was only
rarely present in her eyes and the laughter that used to play around them
replaced by pain and it was on the morning of that Christmas Eve when Linda told
him what she wanted for Christmas.
She was
always at her best in the morning but on that morning, she was having a good
day so after she had eaten breakfast she asked Paul to pass her the Mahogany
filigree jewelry box.
It was a very
precious object to her, not valuable in monetary terms, but precious
nonetheless, it was the very first Christmas gift he gave her, and she
treasured it, and she often told Paul it was her most prized possession, after him.
As he
handed it to her she smiled and just for a second there was a glimpse of her
loveliness shining through the pain and she patted the bed and bad him sit next
to her and as he sat on the bed next to her she took his hand and said quietly.
“I have to
say this to you today because I’m having a good day and I don’t know how many
good days I’ve got left”
“Don’t be
silly” he protested, and she squeezed his hand and then gave him a look which
said that he knew very well that she wasn’t.
Linda
carefully opened her jewelry box and from a draw within it she took out a
neatly folded embroidered handkerchief which she placed on her lap and carefully
unfolded it to reveal that inside were a dozen capsules containing her
medication.
Linda
looked at him with her soulful eyes pleading with him and as the realization of
what she was asking sank in Paul violently shook his head.
On her good
days she had salted away some of her medication until she now had enough to
hasten the end and she squeezed his hand again and said
“Please do
this for me”
She explained
that she didn’t want him to do it right there and then she just wanted him to
agree to do it when the time came, but that that time would be very soon.
“It’s the
only gift you can give me this Christmas” Linda asked looking in to his eyes
and then he added
“I love you
more than anything in the world and I know with all my heart that you love me”
Paul could
say nothing as the tears welled up in his eyes.
“Please do
this thing for me” she pleaded, and his heart was breaking at the choice he had
to make, let her suffer an agonizing conclusion to her life or end her
suffering and kill her.
“I just
can’t do it” he said through the tears and got up and left the room, she didn’t
call after him because she knew he would be back, so with tears streaming down his
face he grabbed his coat and went out the front door and went for a walk.
The day was
cold, grey and damp and clouds scudded across the December sky and any hint of
the promised sunny intervals in the forecast were not in evidence, it was the
kind of day that chilled you to the bone, but he didn’t feel the cold at all,
he just felt numb.
You had to
be alive to feel the cold and he was dying inside, and he walked for miles
under the grey skies along the woodland paths they used to walk together, his
mind in turmoil his eyes red with tears.
If he did
what she wanted he would lose her forever, the loss of her would be devastating,
but not to let her go would just be selfish.
Paul’s head
was spinning, and he didn’t know which way to turn, images of their happy
moments together swam in and out of focus, then as he walked into a clearing in
the woods where they once made love on a sultry afternoon, there was a sudden
break in the clouds and the woods were bathed in winter sunshine and all at
once he knew what he must do and hurried homeward.
When he
returned to the house Paul went straight to her bedside where she was sleeping,
so he sat in the chair at her bedside and rested his head on the bed beside her
then he felt her hand gently stroking his hair.
Paul sat up
and her hand moved to his cheek, so he took it in his own paw and kissed it
softly and then said
“I’ll do
whatever you want me to do”
A week
later Christmas had past and he was glad of it, it was without doubt the worst
Christmas of his life, full of tears and sadness instead of happiness and
laughter
There was
no wondrous Christmas feast, no table laden with Christmas delights, no hearty
laughter or light-hearted banter, just an endless stream of visitors, friends
and family, as cheery as was possible, putting on a brave face as they all came
with forced smiles to bring the season’s greetings, but all leaving with tears,
knowing that Linda would not see the spring.
Paul tried
not to be ungrateful, but every visit ate into the precious time Linda and he
had left but he knew how important it was to Linda to see everyone and say
goodbye.
Even the
doctor called in to make sure she was comfortable and in between visits Paul
would sit watching the needles dropping from the tree as if each dropping
needle symbolized Linda’s plight.
And as he
sat alone in his favorite armchair on New Year’s Eve staring at the pine
needles scattered beneath the tree he tried to come to terms with the fact that
Linda would die with the old year.
Since
Christmas Eve when she made her request of him, Linda had been in good spirits,
she had seen everyone in the world that mattered to her and said all the things
she needed to say so Linda had decided that morning, that enough was enough.
Paul tried
to remain cheerful for her, but she could see through it
“I know
you’re hurting too” she said, the pain etched in her face and with that they
made their plans for their last day together.
Firstly, Paul
phoned the nurse and told her she should have the night off to enjoy the New
Year’s Eve celebrations with her family and she was very grateful and accepted his
explanation without question.
After that
he filled the room with lighted candles and in the flickering light Linda and he
spent the evening together looking at photographs and reliving the great times
of their life together and played the music that formed the soundtrack of their
shared life then an hour before midnight she handed him the folded handkerchief.
He opened
it and inside were now close to twenty capsules, and one by one he broke them
open and emptied the contents into a wine glass and when he was finished he
filled the glass with Port and gave it a stir and put the glass on the bedside
table before sitting on the bed.
Paul took
her hand and kissed it and leant forward and kissed her mouth and started to
say good bye, but she put her hand to his mouth, so he reached over and picked
up the glass and held it up to her lips and she took a drink, then a little
more and a little more until the glass was empty and he wiped her mouth with
the hanky and she burped and then she laughed that wonderful laugh that he
loved so much.
The candles
sputtered, and the flames flickered and then squeezing his hand she said
“I love you
so very much”
“I love you
too” Paul said as he sat holding her hand in his and then they just sat in
silence looking at each other in the candle light until her eyes closed.
The Village
clock began chiming the hour and her hand went limp and her breathing became
shallow and then all the pain in her face was suddenly gone as the clock chimed
twelve, marking the passing of the old year and unknowingly marked Linda’s
passing.
He couldn’t
have said how long he sat there holding her dead hand with the tears streaming
down his face, but as he sat there he knew what had to be done.
Paul poured
himself a large whisky and sat in his favorite armchair where he wrote a long
letter explaining what he had done, and what he was about to do.
With the
letter written he put it into an envelope and placed it on the mantelpiece
where it would be easily found, then he drank his whisky and reached into his
pocket and removed the contents, placing them on his lap.
He filled
the syringe with the insulin he had stolen from the doctor’s bag the day before
and injected himself with the full syringe and as his eyes grew heavy he could
feel Linda’s hand on his shoulder and felt her fingers in his hair and as he
drifted into a coma she whispered
“I love
you” in his ear as his eyes closed.
When they
opened again he couldn’t believe what he saw, it was a place that was familiar
to him, it was Millmoor as it was more than 50 years earlier and it was snowing,
and the street was full of happy smiling people and there among them was Linda,
larger than life, vivacious and self-assured covered with snowflakes and
laughing.
It was his
snow angel, his Christmas Linda with snow covering her like sugar on a
doughnut, a delicious confection he would have gladly consumed, wrapped up
against the cold in a red woolen hat and coat and a long-knitted scarf draped about
her neck.
Still
laughing, she shook her head and the light brown hair that hung beneath her hat
danced about her shoulders and the snowflakes fell away from her soft curls
only to be replaced by fresh ones.
There was a
rosy redness on her cheeks almost matching the hue of her coat and she was
young again, they were both young again and they had gone back 55 years to the
scene of their first embrace.
Linda threw
herself at him and she hugged him so tightly and he smelled her hair as he held
onto her and was intoxicated by her scent which over whelmed him.
They were
stood at the taxi rank and snow fell onto Linda’s soft curls as they took their
place in the queue and they kissed.
All too
soon a taxi arrived, as it had done 55 years earlier, but this time they both
got in and through the winter wonderland they departed, this time never to be
parted again.
My heart carries too many sorrows
Now my yesterdays outweigh my tomorrows
My spirits sit low in the grey December light
My bones grow weary in the night
I long for the spring sun upon my face
Yet I know that can never again be the case
I wait now in the quiet of another night
In hopeful expectation of the benevolent
light
You wanted love
Sweet thing
A holiday romance
Not a brief fling
You wanted love
Romance and kisses
Holding hands
And making wishes
You sought a lover
In a romantic way
You should have known
At the end of the day
He sought a “gagging for it”
Nice easy lay
That was his idea
Of a romantic holiday
