It was
Christmas Day at my parents’ house and it was heaving with all my happy semi
intoxicated relatives, Mum and Dad, my kid brother, two older sisters, aunts,
uncles and cousins, and I was glad they were happy even if I wasn’t.
I just
wished they would take their happiness elsewhere as I had no need of it, even
if I was the reason the entire clan had assembled that day.
It was my
mother’s idea to invite everyone to make Christmas noisy and happy and jolly and
to keep me distracted, and my mother was something of a force of nature so when
she “invited” it was generally accepted to be an order, she meant well of
course.
Christmas
Dinner was tolerable enough; the jollity was blissfully muted when they had their
mouths full of my mum’s excellent cooking, but then as soon as the last
spoonful of Christmas Pud had been consumed it all ramped up again.
Mum
organized the girls in the kitchen and Dad got everyone else clearing away in
preparation for an afternoon of fun, I retreated to the hall and got my coat on
because the last thing I needed was fun.
“Where
are you going Nick?” mum asked
“I
just need to walk my dinner off” I replied patting my stomach, and she nodded
her understanding but knew it was nothing to do with needing a constitutional.
“Do
you want some company?” she asked
“No
mum I’ll be fine, I won’t be long”
“You’ll
need your hat and scarf” she insisted and draped a scarf around my neck and pulled
my woolen hat on my head, and then she put a hand on each cheek and kissed me
like she did when I was a boy and I smiled a weak smile.
“You’ll
need gloves as well” she said “its bitter cold out there”
Her
voice cracked and she walked quickly back into the kitchen.
I
wished for her sake I could have hidden my sadness, it had almost been as difficult
a year for her as it had for me.
“I'll be fine mum,” I said to myself “I just need time”
I braced myself as I opened the front door and then walked outside and saw it
was still snowing.
I
reached the end of the path and turned back to look at the Waterfield home
where I had spent such a happy childhood.
It was mid-afternoon
and it was already getting dark, so I decided to stick to the main road until
my eyes became accustomed.
It was years
since I had seen a white Christmas, it was a shame I wasn’t in a better frame
of mind to enjoy it.
Even in the
semi darkness there was clear evidence the village children had been out in force,
there was no sign of them as the light began to fail they were probably lured back
indoors with mugs of hot chocolate by their concerned families.
As I made my way up the hill towards St Jane’s church
the snow started to fall harder and I looked at the houses as I passed them with
coloured lights resplendent and wondered at what sadness lurked in their homes
and then I chastised myself for my self-pity.
It
was just that I had had such high hopes for that Christmas, it had held so much
promise.
I’d
started a new job the previous February, I am an engineer by profession and as every
other new hire I got the first day office tour, on this occasion conducted by
my new boss Gary Ash.
After
shaking hands with an indeterminate number of employees I began to understand
what the Queen had to contend with.
“This
is the procurement department” Gary said, and half a dozen heads turned around
to greet us and one smartly dressed young woman stepped out of a corner office.
“Ah
Gina” Gary called “This is Nick Waterfield the new head of Engineering”
Gina
reached out her hand and I took it
“Gina
Davies” she said and that was that, she had me hook line and sinker, we had our
first date that Friday and we were married just after Easter.
It
was a whirlwind romance and we had our whole lives ahead of us and we made
plans upon plans.
Of
course what we never planned for was a drunk driver to cross the central
reservation and hit her head on as she drove home the day before Halloween.
I
should have been with her, we always drove home together but at the last minute
I had to go to Aberdeen so she died alone.
I
wished I’d been in the car with her, I wished I’d died with her then I wouldn’t
have to feel so shit.
The snow
was falling fast, and the wind was blowing it straight at me so discretion
being the better part of valour, I decided to take refuge in the Church of Saint Jane Frances de Chantal.
I hadn’t
set foot in a church since the funeral, God and I had not been on speaking
terms since he took Gina, but I didn’t plan to go in I just intended taking
shelter in the porch until the snow eased off a bit, but to my surprise the
door suddenly opened.
“What on
earth are you doing out here?” said a voice behind me
I turned
around to see it was Charli Newcombe, I had known Charli a long time, we had
gone to school together and we had even dated briefly on two separate occasions,
once when we were still at school and again when I returned from University, but
it never seemed to happen for us.
“Hey Charli”
I said, “I was just out for a walk”
“In this?” she said
“I know it’s
not clever” I confessed
“So, what
are you really doing out here?” she pressed
“Trivial Pursuits” I replied
“What?”
“The family
are all playing Trivial Pursuits, I didn’t really fancy it”
“I see”
“Anyway, it’s
Christmas Day” I retorted “Shouldn't you be at home watching The Sound of
Music?”
“You’d
think so wouldn’t you, but no, my folks are both asleep in front of the TV and
I had sole control of the remote, and I suddenly got the notion I should come
and get the church ready for tomorrows service” she explained and even she
seemed surprised by her answer.
Apart from
running the general store and post office Charli was also the church warden and
her late husband Tony had been the Vicar.
Charli was
the same age as me, give or take a month or two, I was thirty and she was a
month short of that milestone, and like me she was born and bred in the
village.
She had
married Tony shortly after he got the job as Vicar he was quite a few years
older than her but she loved him to distraction, and you can’t argue with love.
Charli was
devastated when he had a heart attack in the church and died, that was shortly
after he had performed the wedding ceremony for Gina and I.
I had seen
a lot of her since I came back to stay with my parents in the village, I
suppose I sought her out because of our history together and I knew she would
understand how it felt to lose someone, and maybe help me come to terms with
the grief.
We had
talked it through endlessly and had burnt the midnight oil many times, and
during the process, some of the old feelings I had for her had come to the
surface, for which I felt immensely guilty and disloyal to Gina’s memory.
“You look
like you could do with a hot drink,” she said opening the door
“No I won’t come in thanks” I said
“It’s Christmas, you could call a truce for the sake of the day at least”
“Ok” I relented and hesitantly followed her into the church and the most overwhelming feeling washed over me.
It was one
of great happiness as I remembered that wonderful day when Gina and I were married.
I would
have expected to feel intense sorrow at the memory but it was pure joy I felt
and immense pride.
I took off my hat, scarf and gloves and I know it will sound silly but the moment
I crossed the threshold into the sanctuary of the church I felt a great weight
lift from me.
Charli had
gone into a side room and switched on the light but I found I was walking down
the aisle towards the altar where I paused briefly before an effigy of the
saint and then sat down on the front pew.
When I got
up from the front pew I found all the anger and resentment that had been
consuming me had washed away and I felt more positive than I had in weeks and I
even felt I could actually look forward.
I stood up
and smiled at St Jane and went in search of the drink Charli had offered, and I
found her in the little kitchen sat at a small table and she looked up at me
and smiled and as I walked in I returned her smile.
“Is this
mine?” I asked pointing at a mug by the kettle
“Yes” she replied “but I’ll make you a fresh one”
“No this
will be fine” I said and took a sip “urgh”
“I told you”
Charli said laughing
“How long
was I sitting out there?” I asked her
She checked
her watch
“About
forty minutes”
“I’m sorry”
I said “it only seemed like two or three”
“So how do
you feel?” she enquired
“Surprisingly
good” I replied and sat down “St Jane was very helpful”
“Yes, she
is isn’t she” Charli said as she re-boiled the kettle
“I’m still
angry that I didn’t get to say goodbye to Gina though” I admitted
“I know
that feeling” Charli retorted
“We had
such a short time together, we should have had decades, and instead we only had
months”
And then I
surprised myself when I smiled at her and added
“But those
months were so special and so filled with joy that the time we had together was
priceless”
“Amen to
that” Charli said
“Which is
precisely what you’ve been telling me all these weeks” I confessed
“Uh huh”
she responded, and we sat and drank our coffee in a comfortable silence.
Charli’s
flicked her eyes upwards and caused me to do the same and I saw the mistletoe
hanging above the table then she leant across the table and kissed me.
After the
kiss it was me who broke the silence
“So, do you
have someone special in your life?”
“Do you
mean a boyfriend?” she replied
“Yes” I said
“I was kind
of hoping you might want the job” Charli said
“Funnily
enough I think I would” I said and reached across the table and took hold of
her hand.
“If you’ll
have me”
She leant
across the table and kissed me again this time it was a long lingering sensual
kiss.
“Are we allowed
to do that in church?” I asked
“Only on Christmas Day” she replied and kissed me again.
She locked
up the Church and we stepped out from the shelter of the porch and the snow had
abated but it was still falling and I smiled as it accumulated
on top of her hat.
I
offered her my hand which she accepted gladly and then I walked her home hand
in hand through the snow.
Her
parents’ house was only two doors down from mine so walking her home wasn’t out
of the way not that it would have made any difference if she had lived on the
other side of the village.
We
stopped by the front gate and stood facing each other and I leant in and kissed
her, her response was immediate and yielding.
It
was a long purposeful kiss full of tenderness and hope for the future.
When
I reluctantly broke away I said
“I’ll
see you tomorrow then?”
“Yes”
Charli replied and went up the path, pausing at the door to turn and wave
before she went inside.
“Are
you alright dear?” Mum asked with concern as I walked through the front door
“Yes”
I said and smiled “I rather think I am”
And
the effect on her was instant as the worry and anxiety melted away and she looked
five years younger in an instant.
“I’m
so glad” she said and rushed forward to hug me.
I
have to admit I have given a good deal of reflective thought about exactly what
happened that snowy Christmas Day afternoon.
Was
it coincidence that I chose to walk in the direction of St Jane’s Church, or
that I needed to take shelter precisely as I passed its sanctuary, or that
Charli would open the door to leave just as I stood sheltering beneath the
porch?
And
what possessed her to leave the warmth and comfort of her parent’s cozy
fireside on Christmas Day to tidy a cold and draughty Church.
I
know what I believe and as to what transpired between me and the Saint as I sat
on that Church pew is between me, St Jane and God.
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