The Pythagorean Conquests

 

I would like to say before I begin this narrative, that this is not intended to be a boastful tale of conquest and I am not proud to have done what I did.

The eventual outcome was not even the intended one, in fact in the four year period of my life that the story covers the thought never once crossed my mind that it might happen nor was it ever desired.

It just happened and this is a faithful account of how.

 

It was 1974 and it all began when I was just 18 years old and I met Andrea Palfrey for the first time.

It was a cold grey Monday morning, so grey and dismal it was clear rain wasn’t far away.

I was starting a new job that morning and I had just stepped off the bus when the girl in front of me dropped her umbrella.

I bent down and picked it up and when I stood up again she had turned around and I was staring into the eyes of an angel whose brunette hair framed the classical beauty of her face.

“Thank you” She said and smiled and I was instantly smitten.

But as taken with her as I was, I was completely struck dumb and all I could do was return her smile and hand her the umbrella.

And that would probably have been that had it not been for the fact that she already worked for Barrett Brothers which was the company where I was due to start my new job.

She hadn’t worked there long herself and she was only planning on working there for a year, to earn some money, before she started university.

 

Over the next few months we became very close friends but sadly no more than that.

It turned out that we had several mutual friends and we kind of fell into a sociable group of a dozen or more friends who would go out either in one big group or smaller ones and go bowling, barn dancing or to the seaside or any number of things, the pub quite often.

And all of these many and varied social activities we participated in but try as I may I never made any inroads into her heart or anything else.

 

Another bi-product of our socialising was my introduction to the Palfrey family.

Andrea’s father, Ronald had a dry wit and if you were in the right frame of mind he could be hysterically funny.

If on the other hand you were not in the mood for it then he was just bloody annoying.

He was an accountant by profession which is a humourless occupation at the best of times which is why I think he over compensated.

Marjorie, her mother was a real battle-axe who had a face that could warp wood.

She was a Sister at the local hospital, I don’t recall what she did there but it was probably something unpleasant.  

Her eldest sibling was Ken a twenty one year old cook, also at the local hospital, he inherited his father’s liking for being a wit but sadly he didn’t possess any.

 

Then came the three sisters and considering the fact they were sisters they couldn’t have been more different from each other.

They all had something around the eyes that bound them as kin, provided they were all together in a small room and you could compare them.

In a crowd you would never have picked them out as siblings.

And they had absolutely nothing in common other than the same parentage and their shared beauty and of course an unbreakable love for each other.

 

Andrea was the oldest of the Palfrey girls at 18, the same age as me.

And the tallest by several inches and she was blessed with stunning legs, in fact legs so stunning that they have never been surpassed in my eyes.

But then I am biased.

She had long brunette hair that fell over her slender shoulders. 

Andie was very slim, a size 12 in old money, I’m not sure what the modern equivalent is.

Not overly endowed in the bust but perfectly in proportion.

Keenly intelligent and delightfully funny.

But despite all of that she didn’t have a clue how gorgeous she was and as a result she had a succession of failed relationships with unsuitable men who used her, abused her and then dumped her and managed to leave her thinking she deserved it.

I would never have treated her that way I loved her and I would have cherished her.

If I’d had the opportunity.

 

One of our wider social group was Andrea’s sister Megan, she was the middle one of the three and was a few months short of 17.

She was brunette as well but she didn’t suffer from Andrea’s lack of self-confidence in fact her problem was thought she was very attractive.

In fact Megan actually thought she was more attractive than she really was.

She used to borrow Andrea’s clothes which didn’t fit her.

She thought that if she squeezed her size 14 arse into her sister’s size 12 knickers that she actually had a size 12 arse.

I don’t know why she did it, because as I said she was very attractive in her own right.

I think perhaps she envied Andrea’s slim figure and so tried to be her, but she was very definitely not.

 

Kelly was the youngest at 15 and she was Blonde and full of self-confidence but she could afford to as she had everything, a delicious figure, a bubbly personality and an infectious sense of fun.

Oh yes Kelly was funny and sexy and furthermore she had a crush on me, I was as flattered as hell and had I been 3 years younger and not in love with Andrea I would have nailed her in a heartbeat.

 

As the months went by and Andrea went from one disastrous, ill-considered boyfriend to the next, I sat on the side-lines watching.

Then one day when she had just picked herself up from yet another car crash of a relationship I decided I should just ask her out and be done with it.

What a mistake that was,

I wasn’t her type apparently.

“No I guess I’m not” I said “that’s because I’m not an asshole that treats you like shit”

We didn’t talk for three months.

 

When Andrea and I began talking again I found that nothing had changed

I was still in love with her but she still just wanted us to be friends.

That was the moment I realised that it was never going to happen for us, and I should have walked away then but I didn’t.

Instead I asked out her sister Megan who was then 17, I suppose initially I went out with Megan because it was a way for me to be close to Andrea but still have a life.

It was a dangerous enterprise to undertake on several levels and perhaps the most hazardous was the fact that with Megan’s facial features she had the most chance of ending up looking like her hatchet faced mother which was a scary thought.

That summer Megan gave me her virginity in a tent in Perthshire not perhaps the most romantic of ways but it seemed as good a place as any at the time.

Two months later we were engaged and Andrea left for university.

Everything seemed to be working out for the best I loved Meg and we were planning our future together and Andrea was getting on with her life and working hard towards her degree.

But every time Andie came home from university the wound would open up again and she filled my every waking thought.

One Christmas when she was home I was making love to Meg in her room and I actually imagined it was Andrea.

I broke up with her on New Year’s Eve.

 

The New Year began with Megan in tears in one room and Andrea demanding to know what the hell was going on in another.

“Why are you breaking up with her?” she demanded for the third time.

“Because I’m in love with someone else” I finally replied

“Who?” she asked

“You really have to ask” I replied

She looked blankly for a moment and then it dawned on her

“You can’t still be in love with me”

“Well I am” I retorted

She sat down and lit a cigarette

“I thought you’d gotten over me” she said

“Oh yes you would think so wouldn’t you” I snapped

“Well you should have” she barked “I’ve given you no encouragement”

“Yes I should have” I said “then I wouldn’t see your face when I’m making love to Megan”

I went home before she could respond.

 

Two days later I received a letter, hand written envelope, in a familiar hand smelling of her perfume.

Andrea had written me a letter, my heart soared, and it took me half an hour to work up the courage to open it and another thirty seconds to throw it in the bin.

Three hand written pages in her elegant hand, extolling the virtues of her younger sister and begging me to change my mind.

Three pages and not one word of love for me.

I resolved then and there to break the chain that bound me to her and run for the hills.

After a week I had almost gone a whole day without having a drink but my determination was strong.

Until one cold wet night when there was a knock on the door and Megan stood there soaked to the skin and crying.

And I was trapped again.

 

For the next year or so everything seemed to have settled down mainly because Andrea and I largely avoided each other.

I was working a lot of extra hours trying to stash some money in the savings for our impending nuptials and Andrea was busy working on her dissertation.

I thought perhaps I had finally turned a corner.

Which is why I lowered my guard, and from Easter of that year onwards Andrea and I were back on speaking terms again.

And as there had been no repeat of picturing of her siblings face while making love I was in a positive frame of mind.

 

Megan had been working for a big Armaments Company for over a year they probably employed a third of the town’s available workforce and she earned good money.

But better than that they had a huge sports and social club, and better still it was heavily subsidised.

That summer there was a big fancy dress party and Megan got us tickets and she had a spare one which without asking me first, she gave to Andie who was back from University, having graduated with a first.

I was cross at first when I found out, but Meg was so proud of her sister for graduating.

Also Meg said she needed cheering up because she had just broken up with her boyfriend.

The latest pig, in a long line of pigs, so no surprise there.

 

On the night of the party it was a warm dry night and as it was only about a mile from where the girls lived we decided to walk, in costume.

I walked to the Palfreys in my street clothes and changed in Megan’s room.

Megan was dressed as a flapper in a dress she’d made herself and she looked really hot.

I went as a Roman, wearing sandals and a toga.

Andrea though was dressed as a toddler, in a smock top and a nappie, which showed off her gorgeous long legs to great effect, and her brunette hair was tied up in little bunches and she had a dummy on a ribbon around her neck.

For the walk to the club she wore a long wrap around skirt to protect her modesty.

 

When we got there we found the fancy dress party was already in full swing and was very well attended and the hall was packed.

I noted I was not the only Roman at the forum by long way and Megan was not the only Flapper, Andrea however was unique as always.

With the heavily subsidised bar the drink was flowing freely and the crowd

Were exuberant in the extreme.

 

As the evening wore on much alcohol was consumed and it was a very enjoyable night out indeed and I felt at last I was able to enjoy being in Andrea’s company without the old feelings came to the fore.

Megan was close to having had one Bacardi and coke too many but insisted she was fine

“Have a dance with Andie” she said and tottered off to the ladies.

 “Great idea” Andrea said and grabbed my hand and dragged me off to the middle of the dance floor just as Fleetwood Mac’s, Albatross began.

She stopped and turned around to face me and wrapped her skinny arms around my neck and then inexplicably she kissed me.

 

When Andrea kissed me out of the blue it was not a sisterly smack or a friendly peck, this was an open mouthed penetrating tongue kind of kiss which took me by surprise and took my breath away.

It took me a moment to realise what was happening and that I needed to be joining in.

Once I had cottoned on I went about it with relish and my hands which had been resting in the small of her back quickly encroached inside her smock top and were caressing the naked skin of her back.

As the music went from Fleetwood Mac to 10cc to Harry Nilsson and still we kissed.

It was only when the dulcet tones of Jeff Beck’s Hi Ho Silver Lining broke the spell that we suddenly realised we were not alone and Andrea giggled.

And as she giggled I realised I was fully aroused beneath my toga which made it difficult to walk any way but gingerly.

Andrea looked at me curiously before looking down at the protrusion and giggling again.

We walked back sheepishly to our table just a Megan came stumbling back towards us.

She was laughing like a drain as she tottered along and when she reached us she slurred

“I fell over” and roared with laughter again   

“I think we’d better get you home” Andie said

 

Megan was still laughing as we gathered our stuff together and steered a drunk and giggling Megan towards the door.

Once outside Andrea said

“Hold on”

And began rummaging inside her bag and eventually fished out her skirt.

I watched her intently as she wrapped the skirt around her slender pins and when she caught me watching her she blushed and then smiled.

We set off down the road with Megan sandwiched between the two of us and I fully expected us to continue the whole way home but after about half a mile Meg seemed to suddenly sober up and got it into her head that we weren’t walking fast enough and yomped off ahead of us at pace.

We set off after her but she built up a good head of steam, then Andrea took hold of my hand

“Let her go” she said “she’ll be alright” and pulled me towards a convenient bus shelter and then dragged me inside.

“She’s almost home anyway” she said and kissed me, her hot darting tongue exploring my mouth while her hands tried to get inside my toga and my arousal tried to get out.

When it suddenly occurred to me that my drunken fiancé was somewhere ahead of us in the dark and I was in a bus shelter snogging her sister so I stopped things before we went too far and said

“We need to find Megan, Come on let’s get you home”

She was reluctant to leave but she nodded her ascent and followed me and we walked the rest of the way holding hands.

 

We got to the house and she unlocked the door

“Come in for coffee” she said

My head was swimming with the evenings events, I needed to think so I shook my head.

“Please” she begged “just coffee”

I agreed and Andrea took my hand and took me inside.

Thinking about it now I had no choice but to go in as my clothes were in a bag in Meg’s room.

At the bottom of the stairs she whispered

“Put the kettle on and I’ll go and check on Meg”

I went through to the kitchen and filled the kettle and flicked the switch before walking back to the lounge just as Andrea walked lightly down the stairs, she was barefoot and wearing a full length white cotton Kaftan.

“Meg is spark out” she said as she closed the distance between us.

I got a sudden whiff of freshly applied perfume and I was intoxicated by it.

I was also aroused as I believed that was the only other thing she was wearing apart from the kaftan.

She smiled and in an instant her mouth was over mine

Hot and urgent kisses more eager than on the dance floor more intense than in the bus shelter.

I broke away and asked

“What about your parents”

“Dads in Southampton, Mum and Ken are both on nights and Kelly sleeps like the dead” she replied

“What about Meg”

She responded to my question by pressing her mouth against mine again and tried to get inside my toga and unlike in the bus shelter this time she succeeded.

And we made love on the sofa as my fiancé slept above us and it was the perfect culmination of my years of longing.

Afterwards we lay panting on the sofa loosely covered by her Kaftan

Before she took me to her room and we made love again.

 

It was almost dawn when Andrea woke me with a kiss.

“It’s time to go sweetheart”

I returned her kiss with interest.

Andrea had slipped her Kaftan back on and retrieved my bag from Megan’s room and I quietly got dressed as she watched.

 

We tiptoed down the stairs and stood on the doorstep and kissed

Then she said

“I love you” and my heart soared and we kissed again

I quite reasonably believed it was a new beginning

What I was not thinking was that it was the end.

I turned around and waved to her from across the road and she blew me a kiss.

“I never did get a coffee” I said and she giggled

The dawn had fully broken as I turned and waved again and the birds sung their morning song that echoed my joy.

 

As I left Andrea on that morning I thought that the bright dawn heralded a bright new beginning.

A new dawn for a new start.

How wrong I was.

When I went to the house the next day Andrea was conspicuous by her absence.

And my new beginning turned out to be the same old same old.

She had gone to Manchester to stay with friends and I was left in limbo

I didn’t know how to behave around Meg, was it over between us or not,

Were Andrea and I a couple or not?

If Megan ever knew about what happened between Andrea and me that night she never mentioned it and her behaviour towards me was unaltered. 

It was a month after the fancy dress party when Andrea reappeared.

But it was another week after that before I got her on her own because she was avoiding me.

I took a day off work and phoned in sick, and waited in the ally across from the house until everyone had left for the day.

The weather had been very hot the past few weeks and that day was no different even that early the heat was building.

I gave it another half an hour just to make sure no one returned and then I crossed the road and let myself in the side gate and crossed the patio to the open French windows.

I looked in and I could see her at the kitchen sink.

As she stopped what she was doing she dried her hands and turned around just as I reached the kitchen door.

Andrea gasped when she saw me then she dissolved into tears and ran in to my arms.

After some consoling I asked her

“Why have you been avoiding me?”

“Because I love you” she replied “but I also love Megan”

She sobbed again

“Didn’t that night mean anything to you?” I asked coldly and pushed her away

“It meant everything to me” she screamed “that’s why I feel so guilty, so wretched”

She turned away from me but I took hold of her arm and pulled her into my arms. 

After I calmed her down and dried her tears we talked calmly and then she took me to her parent’s bed and we stayed there all day.

When I kissed her goodbye that day it was the last time and furthermore it was the last time I ever saw her.

Andrea couldn’t live with the guilt of what she had done and even though she loved me desperately we could never be together.

So after our brief affair Andrea went back to Manchester to do her masters.

 

Megan and I split up soon afterwards I told everyone it was because I wanted a family and she didn’t but the truth was my heart wasn’t in it anymore if indeed it ever had been.

In truth after sleeping with Andrea making love to Megan always felt like second best.

I knew it would hurt her when I broke off the engagement but Megan was a lovely girl and she deserved better than me.

 

After parting with Andrea and breaking up with Megan I quit my job and moved to another town about 15 miles away and started a new life with a new job and I washed my hands of the Palfreys once and for all. 

Or so I thought.

A new friend of mine had a mobile disco, he had transport, he had all the gear, all the gigs and all the gab but he didn’t have a driving licence.

So Dave persuaded me to be his roadie, I would drive him to the gigs and help him set up, then at the end of the night, pack away and drive him home. Simple.

One night a little under a year after I broke Megan’s heart we were doing a gig at the local college.

In between set up and break down my time was my own.

Sometimes I would stay in the venue for the evening, other times I might have a kip in the van or as I did on this occasion I went down the road for a pint.

When I returned I discarded my cigarette end as I walked up the steps to the front door and I noticed a blonde girl to one side of the door obviously crying.

“Are you alright?” I asked

As she turned around she was wiping her eyes

“Yes thank you” she replied and then she smiled at me in recognition.   

It was Kelly Palfrey and when she saw it was me she burst into tears again

And ran to me.

“Here we go again” I thought another crying Palfrey girl

But I was not the same sympathetic man I was when I held a sobbing Andrea in my arms in the Palfreys kitchen.

Nor was I the same person Kelly had a crush on when she was 15.

That man was gone forever.

My heart had hardened since then and I am ashamed to say I took advantage of her vulnerability and made love to her in the back of the van.

Well more precisely we had sex, there was no love involved at least not on my side.

We met up a few more times after that, purely for the sex.

Then I dumped her and there were more tears.

 

The significance of that meeting with a crying Kelly didn’t strike me at the time.

But it facilitated my having slept with all three of Ronald Palfrey’s daughters.

But I felt no pride in that dubious accomplishment.

It however amuse me to wonder if Ronald would have seen any wit in the fact that I had bedded all three of his daughters.

 

The last I heard of the Palfreys was that Andrea had a Professorship in Manchester she had never married and consoled herself in the halls of academe.

The year after we split up Megan gained four stones and married a ginger haired accountant, she never had any children.

Kelly on the other hand married three times and had a child from each, all of them girls.

 

As for me I have a wife and four children and I even found love of a sort I suppose though even now after all these years only Andrea truly occupies my heart.