Absence makes the
heart grow fonder
Is that really true I
wonder
Does it work without
fail
Or is it just an old
wives tale
I’m not sure the
advice is the best
And I’m fearful to put
it to the test
For if I were to go
away
For a month, a week, a
day
I fear I wouldn’t miss
you and pine
But would think our
separation fine
I held her picture
Posed for posterity
A picture of a young
girl
In a summer dress
A “hand me down”
Pattern faded
With fraying hem
A pretty young woman
Face of innocence
Framed by brown
tousled hair
Naïve and unaffected
Unsure of her beauty
And more beautiful
Because of it
Such a wonderful snapshot
Of a perfect moment
So long ago
I fell in love with
her that day
My heart melted
Like the snow in
spring
I love her still
And every day in
between
Tears welled in my
eyes
As I looked at that
picture
Of naïve beauty
And they fell
unchecked
As I remembered
The woman she became
And the love we shared
Until she was taken
from me
Cruel fate
Cursed our souls
When cupids arrow
Missed its aim
And speared our hearts
Hearts not free to
love
Hearts otherwise
wedded
In blessed union
But cupids strike
Left us fettered
Bound together
With loves chains
Enslaving us
Bonding us with love
Conjugated by fate
Entangled marionettes
Puppets of love
Reluctantly performing
To another’s will
Held in love's grip
By fates curse
That bitter sweet gift
Of deceitful ardour
Duplicitous romance
Forbidden passion
That gift of love
With the curse of
betrayal
Knowing loves intimacy
The joy of closeness
The warmth of
tenderness
Passion made manifest
Emboldened the psyche
Elevated the soul
Flames of passion
Burning deeply
Cleansing all
But the guilt
Enchanted by Eros
Beguiled by Amor
Spellbound by
adoration
But gripped by fear
Fear of being together
Fear of discovery
But the overriding
fear
Of separation
Three months
had passed since Hannah Castle and I had made love in my room at the Cleddau
Bridge Hotel and two days short of three months since she said she wasn’t sure
we could be together.
Not that she
didn’t love me or enjoy being with me, and I can say without being boastful
that it wasn’t because she didn’t enjoy making love with me.
Nor did she
think it was a mistake, a moment of madness or because she had drunk too much.
“I don’t
regret it for a second” she said as we lay entwined beneath the duvet “I just
have doubts”
Hannah just wasn’t
sure if she could or should give over her heart, soul and life to a man 12
years older than herself.
I can’t say
I wasn’t disappointed and I wasn’t happy about it but I wasn’t angry with her
in fact I agreed with her to a point,
And I wanted
her to be sure as well.
After all I
had no words to convince a 29 year old woman to give her life to a man the
wrong side of 40.
And nor
would I have wished to use them if they were in my possession.
“I love you
Tom but I just have to be certain sure” she said the moment before she drove
away.
It was
heart-breaking to watch her drive away because I had no such doubts.
For me that first
night together was the blissful culmination of eight years of hope and desire.
Not just the
love making but to hear my declaration of love returned in word and delicious
deed.
It had been
pretty much love at first sight for me, but then she was a beautiful sight to
behold.
For her it
was a more gradual falling and one that she desperately fought against tooth
and claw whereas I simply surrendered to her.
Even before
our chance meeting at the hotel Hannah had agreed to take a three month secondment
in Milford Haven where she could be close to her sister and the twins so she
suggested they take that time to think.
And in that
time she would either get over me or know for certain sure I was the one.
While she
was away I convinced myself almost on a daily basis that it was over and rightly
so I thought at times.
If the worst
came to the worst I consoled myself with the thought that I would always have
the memory of that wonderful weekend when my love for her was finally validated.
In my
darkest moments I did question if it was a moment of madness that brought
Hannah to my bed.
I was glad for
that madness if that’s what it was.
Though if Hannah
did resolve that it was a mistake and it was over he would at least have the
memory of that wonderful weekend to sustain him forever.
I prefer to
think it was fate that brought us together on that wonderful weekend.
I would have
liked to have exchanged the occasional text or email with her but Hannah had
asked for total separation.
All I could
do was throw myself into my work totally and fill my every waking moment with
thoughts of anything and everything that wasn’t her.
Impossible
of course but if in the unlikely event that I could exclude her from my
thoughts I couldn’t stop her invading my dreams.
When I slept
I dared to dream, so in the small hours of the sleepless night I resorted to the
only thing that prevented me from being driven insane.
I wrote in a
diary, I called it a dream diary, it was where I wrote every detail, every
thought that filled my troubled sleep nightly,
thoughts of love for the girl of my dreams.
The closer
the end of the three months got the more intense the dreams became and evermore
vivid with each passing day.
It was the day
before Christmas Eve when I got the long awaited phone call, I took a deep
breath and hit the button.
“Hello, Tom
Flood” I said
“Hey Tom”
she said
“Hannah?” I
asked “God it’s good to hear your voice”
“Ditto” Hannah
replied “Where are you?”
“I’m in
London” I replied “Are you still in Milford Haven?”
“No I’m back
home” she replied “When are you back?”
“Tonight” I
replied
“Can we
meet?” Hannah asked
“Yes” I said
“Have you made a decision?”
“Yes I have”
she replied
“And?” I
enquired trying to keep the anxiety out of my voice
“I don’t
want to say on the phone” she answered “I want to do it face to face”
“Ok” I said
not knowing if that meant it would be good or bad
“Come to the
house tonight” I said
“What time?”
she asked
“Around
seven” I replied “Let yourself in if I’m late, you know where the key is”
“Ok, I’ll
see you tonight then Tommy” she said
“Ok, bye”
The journey
out of London was an absolute mare and consequently I was late and it was nearly
8 o’clock when I drove onto the drive.
Since her
phone call my stomach had been in absolute knots and arriving home late didn’t
untangle it in the least.
The lights
were on in the house so Hannah had let herself in I only hoped she was still
there and hadn’t got tired of waiting.
As I sat in
the pre-Christmas traffic I tried to ring her to warn her of my delay but my
phone died.
So I sat on
the drive trying to summon up the courage to go in, I was so desperate to know
her answer but equally terrified of what it might be, yes or no.
“Yes” meaning
she was sure and she would give all of herself to me unreservedly
Or “No” and
we would never be together.
I reran the
earlier conversation in my head and tried to read between the lines to find
some hidden meaning or some indication as to her decision.
I slowly
opened the door and stepped in.
“Hi Hannah”
I called “I’m sorry I’m late, traffic was hell”
No answer,
she must have got fed up of waiting after all.
“Shit” I
exclaimed and took off my coat but as I hung it on the peg in the hall I
noticed an unfamiliar coat already hanging there.
“She is
here” I said
But where?
Where was she exactly?
I hung my
coat and walked into the lounge and that’s when I knew.
I knew
because I saw the black stockings hanging from the mantel anchored beneath a Christmas
candle so I knew where to find her.
And stood on
the mantel next to the candle was a Christmas card
I opened it
and read the words
“Happy
Christmas Tommy
All my love
Hannah”
Beneath her
signature there appeared to be an abundance of the obligatory small x’s but on
closer examination each kiss was in fact the word “Yes”
And so I had my
answer and my dreams were fulfilled.
After thirty years of marriage
To celebrate our anniversary
My wife and I
Went back once again
To our honeymoon hotel
And this time it was I
Who chose to sit alone
In the bathroom
And cry
Let me surround you
Like a benign spirit
Comforting and protecting
Let me envelope you like a cloak of love
Wrapping you in a goose down quilt
To warm your soul from winters grip
Let me nourish and nurture
And blow gently on the embers of love
In your sad and lonely heart
We are poles apart
You are north to my
south
We are different ends
of the solar system
You are Mercury I am
Pluto
We are contradictory
You are black to my
white
We are from different
ends of the earth
We inhabit different
hemispheres
You are up and I am
down
We should be knife and
fork
Brush and paint
Cup and saucer
Pepper and salt
But we are not
How did we become man
and wife?
