Tales from the Finchbottom Vale – (19) Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining

 

The Purplemere Film Studio’s was a large complex of production spaces and studios that almost fell into disuse but its fortunes were turned around by Peter Lutchford the renowned film director who had turned it into one of the premier film industry resources in Europe.

The complex catered for every aspect of film production including set design, costumes, sound and visual FX, in addition to the stages.

Some areas were in a security controlled zone but there were still a lot of others on the periphery and it was into the small staff car park of one of the companies in a peripheral complex that Jed Anderson drove on a Monday evening at the end of April.

He could see there was only one empty space left so he headed towards that and parked the car.

Jed was just reaching into the foot well to retrieve his book that had fallen off the seat and he could see in his peripheral vision that someone was heading in his direction.

He was a small smartly dressed man, casual smart rather than business smart.

When he reached the car he thrust his head through the open window and said abruptly in a very aggressively unhelpful tone.

“Can I help?”

“No, you’re ok” Jed replied brightly as he returned to the upright position.

“Which company do you work for?” he demanded

“What in this complex?” he asked

“Yes” he barked

“I don’t work for any of them” Jed replied

“Well you’re on private property” he said

“Yes I understand that” he agreed

“Then you can’t park here” he said still in an aggressive tone.

“I don’t work here, but my wife does and I’m picking her up” he explained

“Well there’s no need to be aggressive” he said

“Whoa I’m not being aggressive, I’m just being honest, you’re the one who’s being aggressive, getting in my face and throwing your weight about” he said

“You are being aggressive” he repeated which was the final straw for Jed.

“Look, my wife works here and I’m here to pick her up, end of story” he said dismissively, opened his book and turned his full attention to it as the angry little man walked off muttering something in a thick Scottish accent.

“Unbelievable” Jed thought he heard him say but he couldn’t make out anything else, the man was very Scottish.

Of course when he said he was picking up his wife that wasn’t strictly true, Karen was his ex-wife but the officious Scotsman didn’t need to know that.

Karen and Jed had divorced the year before but it was a completely amicable split because after eight years of marriage they both realised it wasn’t really working.

In fact they carried on living under the same roof for nine months until they sold the house and it wasn’t really very different to when they were married, and it really should have been if they belonged together as a couple, so they knew they had made the right decision.

But even after the divorce they were still very good friends which was why he was still picking her up from work.

Even after they stopped living under the same roof they still lived within half a mile of each other and as the split was so amicable it made no sense to abandon their long standing routine of travelling to and from work together. 

 

A few minutes after the vertically challenged pompous Scottish git went away muttering to himself Karen arrived down the steps behind him.

He didn’t relay the tale to her about his interlocutor other than to say he had been quizzed about parking in that car park and that would probably have been the end of it had it not been for the fact that the ridiculous little man, who it transpired was the de facto landlord, had made a complaint to the Facilities Manager, of the company Karen worked for.

 

It was very embarrassing for Karen when she was summoned to the office of Suzy Ford, the Facilities Manager, to be told that her husband had verbally abused the landlord, or at least his representative.

“Ex-husband” she interjected

“What?” Ms Ford retorted

“Jed is my ex-husband” Karen explained to her

“But he still picks you up from work?” Suzy queried

“Yes” she replied

“Is he still carrying a torch for you?” The Facilities Manager asked

“No not at all” Karen replied “he’s just a very good man”

“I wish mine was” Suzy confided “the lousy bastard”

“Ah” Karen responded

“Anyway Mr Clarke has alleged that your ex-husband was aggressive and abusive” Suzy continued “Shouting and swearing at him”

“Nonsense” Karen said

“Excuse me?” replied the FM

“Jed has never raised his voice in anger to anyone in his life, and as for swearing that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard”

“Well Mr Clarke says otherwise” Suzy said and handed her the email she had received from Keith Clarke which included a transcript of the alleged confrontation.

 

Immediately after the meeting Karen phoned Jed and she was not happy.

She told him that Keith Clarke had accused him of shouting at him and swearing at him and as a result he was banned from picking her up in that car park in future.

To say that Jed Anderson was incandescent with rage when he found out would have been an understatement.

“I promise you that not once did I swear at him or even raise my voice” he said “I may not have paid him the due deference that he was clearly expecting but that was all. In fact if anything he was the aggressor”

“It’s alright I’m not mad at you, but I had to find out your side of the story” Karen said “I didn’t think it sounded like you”

“I can’t believe he lied” Jed said

 

When Karen relayed her ex-husbands version of events to Ms Ford, the Facilities Manager said

“I have heard that about him from other sources, but unfortunately without proof that he has lied we have to obey the landlord’s instructions”

Jed didn’t mind not being able to pick her up, from the car park, that was a minor inconvenience however lying was something he could not abide.

To Jed that kind of behaviour was quite unforgivable.

 

The alternative road he subsequently had to pick Karen up from was in fact better for her than the car park was, as it was nearer the exit she used to come out of in the evening so every cloud has a silver lining.

 

One evening, about a week and a half after he started parking in Studio Approach, which was a one way street about two hundred yards long which had parking spaces on either side along its whole length.

He was sitting in the car when a little blue Renault Clio began reversing into the space behind him and hit his car, well it was little more than a nudge really.

But the girl driving immediately jumped out and ran around to his side of the car and was absolutely horrified at what she had done.

“Oh my God” she said “I am so sorry”

Not that he thought she had really done anything.

But at her urging he got out of the car to go and inspect the damage, or lack of it.

She had jet black curly hair and he estimated she was mid to late twenties, attractive if not beautiful and was wearing a smart grey suit and dark tights.

He also noticed she had very nice legs and was very curvy, Jed liked curvy, but her legs and curves were not what he was meant to be inspecting.

So he looked at both bumpers and save for the slightest scuff there was no damage.

“I’m so sorry again” she said very flustered

“There’s no harm done” he responded

“Let me give you my details” She said reaching over from the driver’s side and rummaging in the glove box.    

“There really is no need” he said admiring the roundness of her buttocks as her movement tightened the fabric of her skirts.

When she returned to the vertical she began scribbling something and then said

“Here you are” as she said it she gave him a Purplemere Studios business card with her name on it.

Sue Moss – Costume Department and when he turned it over her insurance details were written on the back.

“There’s no damage” he said “Honestly”

“We have to do things properly” she insisted

“Do you have many accidents?” he asked already knowing the answer

“No” She said “This is my first”

“I thought so” he said “and actually this doesn’t really count so you still have a perfect record”

 

She seemed to calm down once he had accepted her insurance details and then she got back in the car and safely completed her manoeuvre.

After which she got out of the car, locked it up and walked off down the road, managing to apologize once more before she walked off.

Jed watched her all the way and admired her walk, and what a walk it was, and just as he was getting an eyeful his mobile rang, it was Karen

“Hi” he said

“Hey Jed” she replied “I’m running late”

“No problem” he responded “how long?”

“About an hour” she replied “But you don’t need to wait, I’ll get a cab”

“No problem, I’ve got no plans” he said “I’ll meet you in the Directors Arms”

“Brilliant” she said “You’re a star”

So he locked up the car and walked off down the road towards the Directors Arms pub.

 

Jed got himself a drink and sat in a relatively quiet corner of the bar and then opened his book and had only read about four pages when he heard.

“Oh hello again”

He looked up and saw it was his vehicular assailant,

“Hello Sue” he said

“I just wanted to apologize again” she said

“There really is no need” he replied “but you can buy me a drink”

Which really meant please stay and have a drink with me.

“It’s a deal” she said “and I’ll join you if that’s ok, as long as I’m not imposing?”

“Not at all” he said

As she turned and walked to the bar he had another opportunity to admire her generous curvy form with her buttocks rolling and reshaping within her tailored skirt with each nerve tingling step.

“Very nice” he said under his breath

He watched and admired all the while she was at the bar and when she had got the drinks he watched her again as she walked back towards him and he was mesmerised by what he saw.

When she got to the table she leant forward and put a drink in front of him although he only had eyes for the front of her.

She caught him looking and smiled and then sat down.

“Are you meeting someone?” she asked

“Yes I’m waiting for my ex-wife” he replied and she looked confused so he explained at length the arrangement Karen and he had and Sue looked less confused. 

“What about you?” he asked

“Well I was supposed to be meeting my sister but she’s still in Finchbottom” Sue said

“So you are doing me a favour keeping me company until her train gets in”

“I feel so used” he said feigning hurt

“Very funny” she said

“So what were your plans with your sister?” he asked

“Pictures” Sue replied

“Oh yes” he said “Bruce Willis or Keira Knightley?”

“Knightley, I’m afraid” she replied “Helen’s choice”

“Well I fancy the other one myself” he said “Perhaps…”

“I’d love to” she interrupted

“Great” he said “It’s only on until Saturday”

“Saturday it is then” she said just as her phone rang.

She stood up to answer it and stepped outside to get better reception.

 

“That was my sister” she said when she came back “I have to go”

“Well I’ll see you Saturday then, shall we meet here?” he asked

“Yes” she said “7.30”

“Ok” he replied

“Thanks again for being so understanding” Sue said

“Wait a minute is that how you get all your dates?” he asked

“Pretty much” Sue replied “Bye”

Then he feasted his eyes on her again as she walked away.

“Who was that?” Karen said suddenly appearing

“Just someone I bumped into” he replied

“It looks as though you wouldn’t mind bumping into her again” she said

“Funny you should say that, I’m seeing her on Saturday” he said proudly

“Good for you” Karen said and meant it

“I’m sorry I’m so late, it’s been a pig of a day”

“That’s ok” he assured her “Do you fancy a drink?”

“Oh yes please” she said “as long as I’m not holding you up”

“I wouldn’t have offered if it was a problem” he insisted “as I said I don’t have any plans tonight”

He went and got her a large white wine and himself a coke and returned to the table

“What about you?” he asked

“What?” she said

“Plans for tonight” he explained

“No nothing” she said

“Why don’t we eat then” he suggested “the foods pretty good in here”

“That would be really nice, Jed” she replied “Thank you”

 

Jed got menus from the bar and they ordered their food and then they spent a couple of hours on a proper catch up which they hadn’t done in a while.

When they split up, even though it was amicable and they remained the best of friends themselves, some of their friends felt it there duty to take sides.

So it was about the people “they” as the enemy had lost touch with that filled most of the conversation, then they moved on to the more personal stuff.

There was something Karen had been reluctant to tell him, so she thought she would take the opportunity to share the fact that she had been seeing someone else for a couple of months, his name was Peter and she had met him at work.

“That’s brilliant Karen, I’m really pleased for you” he said “but why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I don’t know really” she replied “it seemed a bit insensitive”

“Well for future reference you can tell me anything” he said

“But you haven’t told me” she said in her defence

“Well there hasn’t been anything to tell” he said “I’ve been on a couple of disastrous blind dates and that’s about all”

“Until today” she added

“Yes until today” he concurred and smiled

 

They finished their drinks and Jed dropped her off at about 9.30.

Even after they stopped living under the same roof they still lived within half a mile of each other and as the split was so amicable it made no sense to abandon their long standing routine of travelling to and from work together.

“Thanks Jed” Karen said “Enjoy your date on Saturday”

“I will” he replied and drove the short distance home.

 

On Saturday evening he sat at the same table he had occupied a few days earlier which afforded him a clear uninterrupted view of the door.

But even then he still managed to miss her when she came in, he had been watching out for a hot girl in a business suit and black tights.

“Are you looking for me?” a voice said and when he looked up it was Sue.

“Oh hi” he said “I didn’t recognise you”

She was wearing tailored trousers a shimmering top and a short tunic.

“Wow you look great” he said

“Thank you” she said and actually blushed at the compliment and he thought to himself at that moment that Sue Moss was a keeper.

He suggested eating somewhere afterwards so they decided to catch the earlier performance which meant they didn’t have time for a drink.

He let Sue go through the door first, not because he was being a gentleman but rather because he was being a letch and wanted to see what her bum looked like in those trousers, he was not disappointed.

 

The film turned out to be quite average, the meal was considerably better but the company was absolutely sublime and as first dates go it was the best one for Jed by some distance.

 

The evening ended with a goodnight kiss by her car and the securing of another date, the following Saturday.

Which he was delighted with but he had always found that second dates were always trickier, because there is an expectation which is not present on a first date and all week he was worried about it.

 

Despite the fact that Jed Anderson had spent the whole week in nervous anticipation, when Saturday came all his fears and apprehensions melted away from the moment he saw her and by the end of the night he thought it had even surpassed their first date, which took some doing.

It again ended by her car, but on that occasion with a much more prolonged kiss.

“Next Saturday?” he said hopefully

“Yes” she said coyly “if you can wait that long” 

“And if I can’t?” he asked expectantly

“You can come to a BBQ with me tomorrow” she said

“I’d love to” he said

“Good answer, you can pick me up” she said “I’ll text you my address”

 

 

On Sunday he picked Sue up as instructed and it was a beautiful sunny May morning and on the journey she filled him in on the family politics of which there wasn’t much to report other than the fact that she and her sister hated their stepfather Keith.

“He’s a pompous, obnoxious, unpleasant little man who isn’t even nice to mum” She ranted

The BBQ was to celebrate their mum’s birthday which was the only reason she and her sister were going.

Eleanor had only been married to Keith for two years but even in that short time he had managed to alienate everyone who was important in Eleanor’s life and Sue and Helen were very unhappy about it.

But for their mums sake they always bit their tongues so as not to upset there her.

That Sunday was no exception and they wouldn’t dream of doing or saying anything to spoil their mum’s birthday.

 

When they arrived he parked the car outside the house.

“Deep breath, big smile” she said and he gave her hand a squeeze.

“Give me a kiss for good luck” she said and he happily obliged.

They were just about to go through the side gate when there was a call from behind them.

“Wait for us”

They turned around and Jed saw a carbon copy of Sue jogging towards them.

“Hey Helen” Sue said and they kissed and then introductions followed before they all proceeded through the gate.

There were a small group of people milling about on the patio, another group on the lawn and a lone man attending to the BBQ.

While Jed was looking around there was some sudden squealing on the patio, from which he deduced that the sisters had located their mum.

Neither Helen’s boyfriend Ray nor Jed had met the family before so they hung back until the hullaballoo had subsided.

When it had they were summoned by their respective girlfriends to be presented.

“I’m pleased to meet you” he said shaking Eleanor’s hand

“Likewise” she said “I’ve heard a lot about you”

“The sausages are ready?” the man called from the BBQ

“And that is my husband” Eleanor said and waved a despairing hand in his direction.

Jed turned around to say hello just as the cook did the same.

“Oh” Jed exclaimed “we’ve already met”

It was Keith Clarke, the lying sack of shit who had accused Jed of swearing at him and his new girlfriend Sue Moss was the officious pompous gits step daughter.

 

When Jed turned around to acquaint himself with Eleanor’s husband he discovered it was Keith Clarke, the lying sack of shit who had accused Jed of swearing at him and his new girlfriend Sue Moss was the officious pompous gits step daughter.

“I suppose you’re going to verbally abuse me again” he said

“I didn’t verbally abuse you the last time” he replied

“What did you do?” Eleanor asked her husband

“Oh trust you to take their side” he said 

“My apologies Eleanor but I think I need to go” he said

“That’s it run away” Keith called after him

“Oh do shut up Keith” Sue said

“As for you, how dare you turn up on your mother’s birthday with a married man you little Trollope” He said venomously

“That’s enough Keith” Eleanor said

“He’s not married you pompous arse” Sue shouted “he’s divorced”

“Oh really is that what he told you?” Keith said with distain

“Then answer me this, what kind of man still drives his ex-wife around?”

“A better man than you obviously” Sue said

“That’s enough from you, you selfish little cow” he said “You’re ruining your mother’s birthday”

“No you’re ruining my birthday” Eleanor said

“What do you mean?” Keith snapped “I’m just trying to do something special for your birthday”

“The most special thing you could do for me would be to get out” Eleanor said

“What?” he said aghast

“I want you to leave” she reiterated

“If I go then I won’t be coming back” he threatened

“Good” she said almost spitting the word at him and Keith went a very funny shade of purple and a vein in his temple started to throb, Jed thought his head might explode but it didn’t and he turned on his heels and went in the house.

Helen and Sue ran immediately to hug their mum and they stood in a comforting scrum on the patio and there were a few tears shed.

They may well have stayed there longer but the huddle broke when Keith came back out of the house carrying a small bag and his jacket, then without speaking he left through the side gate followed by a few of the guests, clearly more his friends than hers.

“Now the party can really start” Eleanor said

There was another brief hug fest from the Moss women and then Eleanor said

“Jed, can you take charge of the BBQ?”

“Leave it to me” he said but Sue stopped him before he got there

“Thank you honey” she said and kissed him very provocatively

 

After an excess of alcohol Jed ended up staying the night, albeit on an uncomfortable sofa.

As the alcohol flowed there was a good deal of talk about Keith Clarke and what a nasty piece of work he was.

Jed was amazed to find out what a mean spirited man he really was, he wouldn’t even allow his step daughters to park in the office car park where their own confrontation took place.

It was apparent that Keith Clarke was a bitter unfulfilled little man who made everyone’s life an absolute misery.

But that said, Jed would be forever grateful to him because had her stepfather not been such a nob he would never have met her, or fallen in love with her so every cloud really does have a silver lining.

Tales from the Finchbottom Vale – (18) Betcha By Golly Wow – Roxy’s Tale

It was Saturday night in Mornington-By-Mere and goods friends Roxanne Kincaid-Smith, Lindsay Cooper and Rosie Parsons were sitting in the bar of the Old Mill Inn discussing their plans for the Bank Holiday.

All three of the girls were born and bred in the village but since starting out on their chosen careers they didn’t get together as often as they would have liked due shift patterns for Rosie and Roxy and the on call Rota for Lindsay.

At 25 Roxy was the youngest of the trio and the eldest child of the Kincaid-Smith family, and she lived in the house she was born in, at 4, Windmill Cottages with her parents Dane and Hazel and two younger siblings Lisa and Alex.

She was a PC in the Downshire Constabulary and was fortunate to have been stationed at Sharpington-by-Sea.

Joining the Police had been her lifelong ambition and getting a posting that allowed her to still live in Mornington was a dream come true.

The only downside to her dream job happened to be that her shift patterns meant she didn’t get to see her best friends regularly enough for her liking.

But a three day window opened up in which all three friends were off duty and furthermore without any other commitments in their diaries, an event rarer than hen’s teeth, so they all decided to make the most of it.

The fact that the three days happened to fall over the Bank holiday weekend was just the icing on the cake.

They had already eaten a sumptuous meal at the Old Mill Inn and followed that up with a significant amount of alcohol which influenced their decision making significantly.

But a decision had to be made, as they had signed up for the Sharpington Day Parade on Bank Holiday Monday.

It was a Charity event which raised tens of thousands of pounds every year much of which was collected by volunteers rattling tins along the route.

And traditionally the majority of volunteers took part in fancy dress and it was that element of the Parade which was vexing the three friends as they didn’t know what to go as.

“It needs to be something different” Lindsay said

“It needs to be something memorable” Roxy added

“I know just the thing” Rosie Parsons suddenly announced

“What?” the other two asked

“Golliwogs”

“What?” the two repeated

“Brilliant eh” Rosie said

“Are you mad?” Roxy asked with alarm “I’m a serving Police Officer”

“So?” Rosie asked

“It’s a bit “out there”” Lindsay pointed out

 “Where’s your sense of adventure?”

“Adventure?” Roxy said “They’ll hang me out to dry”

“Oh God just because you wear blue serge knickers doesn’t mean you can’t have a laugh” Rosie said “Besides who’s going to recognise you under the makeup?”

“Oh I don’t know” Roxy said doubtfully

“We could carry tambourines so people will think we’re minstrels” Rosie suggested

“I’m not sure people will see the distinction” Lindsay added

“Oh come on you two it’ll be fun” Rosie said encouragingly

“I’ll remember that when I’m working as a security guard for Quid Busters” Roxy retorted

“Don’t be such a drama queen” Rosie said

“So are you two in or not?”

“Count me in” Lindsay said with bravado and turned her eyes on Roxy

“Ok I’m in” she agreed reluctantly

 

In the cold light of day when they surfaced on Sunday afternoon the girls had serious doubts about the wisdom of dressing as Golliwogs for the Sharpington Day Parade but none of them voiced their concerns as they didn’t want to appear wimpy in front of the other two.

The drive over to Sharpington to register was completed largely in silence as they were so hungover from the night before.

Unfortunately it was a trip they had to make, as volunteers for the fundraising effort for the Parade had to register on Sunday afternoon where they would also pick up collection tins.

Fortunately those participating in fancy dress were not required to notify the organisers in advance what they planned to dress up as or to provide a photograph either which was just as well really due partly to the Non PC nature of what they had in mind but mainly as they didn’t know the precise details themselves.

 

As they walked quietly along the promenade towards the organizers marquee in Jubilee Park the three of them still had great unvoiced misgivings about the costumes.

“What was I thinking?” Roxy asked herself, she was particularly concerned because of the possible implications the prank might have on her Police career.

 

But as they turned up one of the lanes they spotted something that put all their minds at rest.

They came upon a shop selling a mixture of the usual seaside novelties along with a selection of fancy dress items such as clown masks and reversible wigs.

“That’s perfect” Rosie said holding a clown mask in her hands “No one will see the black makeup under this”

“And these are just what we need” Lindsay said picking up a wig which was black on one side and red or white on the other.

“I think we might just get away with it” Roxy said and as they left the shop with their purchases their collective mood had lightened appreciatively.

 

They continued their walk up to Jubilee Park and duly registered and were quite surprised at how quickly it was all completed and it was only just over an hour later when they were heading back down the lane again carrying their collection tins.

The journey home was much more typical for them than the earlier one was with all three of them having found their voices again and for the most part they were all speaking at the same time.

But amidst all the incessant chatter, during which it would have appeared to the casual observer that they were all talking and no one was listening, they formulated a plan.

They would drive down from Mornington to Sharpington at “sparrows fart” as Rosie described it and go straight to the Whitecliff Hill Caravan Park where Lindsay’s Aunty Lynn had a static caravan, which she seldom used, but then she did live on the Shore of Teardrop Lake in the Dancingdean Forest, so why would you leave that for a caravan in Sharpington.

Lindsay had already spoken to Aunty Lynn and got her permission although she didn’t say what she and the others were planning to do. 

 

Sharpington-by-Sea is a traditional seaside resort complete with a Victorian Pier, seafront hotels, crazy golf, The Palladium ballroom, well maintained gardens, promenade, theatre and illuminations, all the usual things to have a great time by the seaside, as well as amusement arcades and of course the Sharpington Fun Park.

Which was the first purpose built amusement park to open in Britain, which had an assortment of rides, like the Rotor and the Wild Mouse, The Cyclone and the Morehouse Galloper, all very tame compared to a 21st century roller coasters but still fun.

But on Bank Holiday Monday the town was taken over by the Sharpington Day Charity Parade.

 

The road leading to the coast was very busy and even leaving Mornington at the crack of dawn didn’t speed their journey any, as a lot of the roads in Sharpington were closed to the public which slowed their progress, until they reached the outskirts of the town where they turned off and circled around and then up to Whitecliff.

 

When they had finished changing and had made their faces up they put their clown masks on and the red or white side to their wigs, Roxy plumped for the white while Rosie and Lindsay chose the red.

The clown masks were made from latex and were designed to fit right over the head but because it was still summer and they were wearing nylon wigs they decided to cut most of the back out and put some strategically placed holes in the face.

They were concerned that if their heads sweated too much the black face would run, they needn’t have worried.  

To avoid having to black up everywhere they all wore long sleeved tops and gloves and bright red silk scarves around their necks.

The wigs covered their ears so they didn’t need to do them and the clown mask covered everything else.

They were all dressed in Red, White and Blue of some description but Roxy was wearing pale blue leggings, a white shirt and a red waistcoat.

In addition they all wore substantially sized bum bags to carry some essential items for the day.

Roxy had water, facial wipes for cleaning her makeup off and pepper spray incase the crowd got ugly.

 

When they joined the parade they were about six or seven floats from the front and Roxy was hoping they could get round without having to expose themselves as Golliwogs.

The atmosphere was amazing and they were really enjoying themselves, and they had almost forgotten what they had planned to do.

But as they approached the Pier Rosie gestured to the other two and they stepped through the crowd and went into the ladies and when they immerged five minutes later their clown masks had gone and their wigs had been reversed and they all looked like Al Jolson.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this” Roxy said to herself as they ran back through the crowd

 

Their arrival was greeted with a huge cheer from the throng as they took up their positions and they collected as much money in ten minutes as Golly’s as they had all the while they were clowns.

But their success was short lived because after about one hundred yards the procession passed by the end of what was known locally as pub crawl alley because in that street, that lead from the promenade to the outskirts of town, had a totally of 27 pubs and clubs in it.

And it was from one of those pubs that a small group of inebriated afro Caribbean patrons saw them and took exception at what they saw and amidst shouts of abuse and threats of physical violence Rosie decided that discretion was the better part of valour and shouted to her friends

“Quick leg it”

 

Detective Constable Richard Deacon was twenty-nine years old, six feet tall and was still pencil thin.

In fact when he first joined the Police he was so thin he was known as the stick insect hence the nickname of “Sticky”.

He was on duty during the parade and was in plain clothes and mingling with the crowd looking for pick pockets.

Although in truth he had been following the procession with more interest than he had for criminals once he spotted a small group of clowns go by rattling their collection tins.

They were all dressed in Red, White and Blue of some description but the one that caught his eye was wearing pale blue leggings, a white shirt, a red waistcoat and a white wig.

She was an eye-catchingly shaped, yet robust blonde girl who filled her pale blue legging very nicely indeed, in fact she was just the size and shape that Richard found attractive and ticked most of his boxes.

But it wasn’t just the fact that she filled her leggings to great effect that held his attention there was also something familiar about her gait but he couldn’t quite bring the owner of that gait clearly to mind and he could get no other clue as to her identity because the clowns mask completely obscured the girls face.

He was struggling to recall her and laboured in his deductions when all of a sudden the three clowns broke ranks and headed towards the toilets.

Richard positioned himself so he would see them when they emerged and he could resume his reconnoitre.

But no clowns appeared, though the girls did walk past him, right beneath his nose, he would have missed them altogether had he not caught sight of the pale blue legging clad buttocks, and it was only after he had rightly identified the arse as the one he was previously following that he realised that the clowns had morphed into Golliwogs.

“Holy shit” he said and laughed “This I’ve got to see”

The arrival of the minstrel trio on the parade was greeted with a huge cheer from the on looking throng as they took up their positions and the collection tins were filling up.

But their success didn’t last long because after about a hundred yards the floats passed by the end of pub crawl alley.

Because that street boasted a total of 27 pubs and they were all packed on Parade day, and it was from one of those pubs that a small group of inebriated afro Caribbean patrons emerged and saw the blacked up trio and took exception and hurled abuse and threats of physical violence and moved intimidatingly towards them.

Which was when a shout of

“Quick, leg it”

Rang out and the girls turned and ran, and when the one in the pale blue leggings sprinted in his direction he knew instantly who it was.

“Well I’ll be damned, it’s Roxy” he said

He was more used to seeing Police Constable Roxanne Kincaid-Smith in her uniform, which he found sexy enough but in civvies he was similarly affected and dressed as a Golliwog her allure went off the scale.

The reason her gait had been so familiar to him was that he had been admiring her from afar for the past 12 months as she strode purposefully up and down the corridors, though he had done no more that watch, she was a very popular girl as well as being very attractive and she attracted a lot of attention and he considered himself to be out of her league and not remarkable enough to get her attention.

 

When the balloon went up, the three girls all ran in different directions and unknown to them the group of pursuers were halted in their tracks when the appreciative crowd put themselves between them and their prey, but not being aware of that fact, as they never looked back, the girls just ran hell for leather like startled deer and Roxy ran straight towards Richard.

 

Maybe now he would have the chance to show her that there was more to him than met the eye.

So as she ran towards him he thought of a plan which he implemented without a second thought.

“Come on Roxanne this way” he said and took hold of her hand

“What?” she exclaimed

“Come on there’s no time to lose” he said urgently

“Oh God are they gaining on me?” she panted

“Just run and don’t look back” he urged

They ran across the road between the floats and up Albert Road and ducked down alleys and adjoining streets until they emerged in Victoria Crescent by his car.

He opened the back door and said

“Get in Roxy and keep out of sight”

“Have we lost them?” he panted

“Yes I think so, but keep out of sight” he said then he got in the driver’s seat

“That’s an interesting look” he remarked

“I must look a fright” she replied

“No, I think you look great” he said “but what were you thinking?”

“I know, but Rosie twisted my arm” she responded

“Well Rosie isn’t a serving Police Officer” he pointed out

“No” she agreed

“Well it might be an idea if you got rid of the Othello look now” he suggested

“Good idea” she said and got the facial wipes and began rubbing her face

“Oh shit it’s not coming off, what am I going to do?”

“It will probably need soap and water, hot water preferably” Richard said

“I’m screwed then” she said resignedly

“Not necessarily” he said “Where did you get changed this morning, presumably you didn’t drive all the way from Mornington looking like that”

“Up at Whitecliff” she replied

”What a caravan?” he asked and Roxy nodded

“Ok then cover up and I’ll take you up their” he said 

“Aren’t you on duty” Roxy said

“They won’t miss me for an hour” he replied “I haven’t had a meal break all day”

“Ok if you’re sure” she said and covered herself with his hi-vis jacket

 

He drove out through the Police Cordon and circled around the town and up to the Whitecliff Hill Caravan Park

“Which one is it?” he asked

“17c” she replied from beneath his coat

He followed the road round and parked the car as close as he could get

“Ok we’re here” he said “Where’s the key?”

“Under the mat” was her muffled reply

“Seriously?” Richard said and got out and using the key he found under the mat he opened the door.

He then opened the back door of the car and Roxy emerged with the coat draped over her like a prisoner going into the Old Bailey.

Once inside she dropped her collection tin on the floor and grabbed a few items of clothing and disappeared into the bathroom.

 

When Roxy reappeared with a well-scrubbed red face she was wearing a different outfit consisting of baggy white shorts and an equally baggy yellow t-shirt and her hair was wet.

“I need to go and find my friends” she said with concern “They might not have been as lucky as I was”

“They’ll be fine” he said a little disappointed that the pale blue leggings had been replaced

“But they might have been caught” Roxy said

“They weren’t” Richard said confidently

“What makes you so sure?” she asked

“No one could have caught them because no one was chasing them” he said “or you”

“But you said “run and don’t look back”” she quoted “why would you say that if there was no one there?”

“So I could be the hero and rescue you” he said “and you have to admit it was quite exciting”

“Well I can’t argue with that” she agreed

“So would it be safe to call them then?” she asked

“Absolutely safe” he assured her

 

Having established that all was well with her friends they returned the key to its unoriginal hiding place and Roxy and Richard set off.

“How did you know it was me by the way?” she asked as they drove back into town

“I have a good eye” he said

“Oh God I’m in so much trouble” she said “if you recognised me so might someone else”

“I doubt they looked at you as closely as I do” he remarked

“What do you mean?” Roxy asked

“Erm nothing, it doesn’t matter” he said realising what he had said

“Yes it does” she insisted

“Well you have certain assets that I have become familiar with over the last twelve months” he said quietly “That’s all”  

“I didn’t know you were interested” Roxy said “why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because there are always men buzzing around you like flies” he said

“That’s just it, they’re flies” Roxy said “Annoying flies”

Instead of returning to Victoria Crescent he drove into the yard of Sharpington Police Station, first dropping Roxy by the gate and parked up and after a five minute chat with a uniform Sergeant Richard walked across the yard and re-joined her.

“So when are you off duty?” she asked

“About ten minutes ago” he replied

“Good” Roxy said and held his hand as he walked her towards the pier where she had arranged to meet up with her friends.

 

When they reached the pier and the three girls were reunited he stood aside and watched as first they just hugged and then they found their voices and for the most part of the next five minutes they were all speaking at the same time.

 

When the chattering huddle broke up Roxy introduced Lindsay and Rosie to Richard and as the last of the floats had gone past they all walked together up to Jubilee Park to hand in their collection tins.

Roxy held tightly onto Richards hand all the way and over the following week they spent a lot of time together and began to get to know each other properly and their burgeoning relationship began to blossom.

But the arrival of a new Detective Inspector and his Sergeant looked like it might upset the applecart.

 

It was the 7th of September when Roxy was instructed to rescue DI Boris Katarski and DS Marty Griffin from Sgt Orr on the front desk who had barred their entry into the building for over 20 minutes.

“I’m sorry about Sgt Orr” she said “He can be a bit of a ….”

“Dinosaur” Boris suggested

“Neanderthal” Marty offered

“Moron” The DI added

“Arse” Marty said bluntly

“Well I was going to say tartar” Roxanne said “but if the cap fits”
The light-hearted banter that accompanied them as Roxanne escorted them up to CID held no hint of what was to come.

DC Richard Deacon was waiting by the door to greet them as he was a familiar face.

“Sticky!” the two men said in unison

Boris and Marty had known DC Richard Deacon when he was a wet behind the ears PC at Abbottsford.

Although he was now a Detective Constable and twenty-nine years old, the six foot tall Detective was still pencil thin which was why he was known as the stick insect hence the nickname of “Sticky”.

Deacon and Roxanne momentarily exchanged a look and Boris said

“Thanks Roxanne” and she returned to her duties, though not for long because DI Katarski inherited a minor crime spree on his patch.

 

The spree took the form of a well organised team of pick pockets and after a review of his resources he realised his team was spread too thin.

Which was why he came out of his office later on his first day and called DS Griffin and DC Deacon over and said.

“Do you remember the spate of pickpocketing we had at the Phoenix Shopping Centre one Christmas in Abbottsford?”

“Yes” they both agreed

“And do you remember how we cracked it?” he asked

It was a big spree at the time and a large number of women had either had their pockets picked or bags stolen while visiting the Phoenix Shopping Centre.

Interviews were conducted and information collated but nothing leapt out at them.

But one of the DC’s, Grace Suddaby used all the information collected and compiled a crime map of the Phoenix Shopping Centre logging various markers such as the location the theft was discovered, shops visited prior to the discovery and the place where they were 100 percent sure they still had the stolen item and with that information Grace’s computer model managed to isolate the crime hotspot to the second floor.

“A crime map” Marty said

“Exactly” Boris said “And that’s exactly what we need here, a crime map to show us where to focus our efforts”

“Good idea guv” Deacon said

“But the problem is Grace is now running her own squad in Northchapel”

“I know so we need someone who’s extremely computer literate to collate the information and give us a working crime map showing us the crime hotspots” Boris said “So, Sticky, do we have such a person in Sharpington?”

“Yes sir we do” he replied “in fact you met her this morning”

So the next day PC Roxanne Kincaid-Smith began her secondment to CID and began work on the crime map.

 

Life couldn’t have been better for Roxanne, she had a new man in her life who she was falling in love with and now she had been given a chance to make an impression in CID on secondment to create a crime map.

But she wasn’t feeling quite so fortunate on Thursday afternoon when DI Katarski had a visit from Superintendent Tilbry followed by a meeting behind closed doors and it wasn’t long before voices were raised.

Roxy couldn’t hear what was being said as she was on the other side of the office and she was in the coffee room when the shouting reached its crescendo.

“Damn the pick pockets and damn the burglars” The Superintendent yelled “Find me those Golliwogs”

And he then stormed out of Katarski’s office and slammed the door.

 

Afterwards DI Katarski explained at length the nature of his discussion with Superintendent Tilbry and the “Golliwog Gate” incident and tasked Marty Griffin to go and speak with the journalist and the organisers the next day.

“Oh guv” he protested and DC Deacon laughed

“And you can go with him to make sure he doesn’t get lost” Boris added

“But what about the collating?” Deacon protested

“Roxanne is quite capable of doing the collating on her own” The DI said and from across the office PC Kincaid-Smith was heard to titter although in truth she was unaware of the enquiry’s they were making having only heard the tail end of the conversation.

“Did you say something Roxanne?” Boris called to her

“No guv just clearing my throat” she replied

 

Before the end of the day Richard caught up with Roxy in the coffee room and told her what exactly he and DS Griffin would be investigating.  

“God Richard I am so screwed” Roxy whispered

“Why?” he said “We’re not going to find out anything, nobody knows anything anyway”

“But what if someone else recognised me, or one of the others?” she said desperately

“Look we’re only making enquiries to get Tilbry off the Guv’s back”

 He said “So don’t worry”

But that was like saying “don’t breathe”

 

The next day Roxy kept her head down and worked flat out on the crime map and tried hard not to think about what Marty and Richard mind be finding out from Molly Westwood who was the Journalist at the Sharpington Courier who wrote the Golliwog piece and Jayne Keeling, who chaired the Sharpington Day Parade Fundraising Committee and she prayed that would be an end to it.

 

The day was incredibly long and the only consolation was she had identified the hot spot on the crime map where the pickpockets were operating.

 

Later that day when DS Griffin and DC Deacon walked into DI Katarski’s office she couldn’t make eye contact with Richard for fear that she might cry and when the door closed she was completely in the dark about what was being said inside.

And she was no wiser when the door reopened and they emerged again, and when Richard and Marty walked straight past her and went into an adjacent office and closed the door her heart sank and her stomach turned over.

However had she known that Marty was making a phone call to the Reporter Molly Westwood to arrange to meet her by the entrance to the Pier later, she would have been none the wiser.

 

By the time Marty and Richard left the formers office Roxy had left for the day and the moment she got into her car she broke down and cried and when her phone rang and she saw that it was Richard she cried even harder.

All the way home to Mornington she ignored Richards call’s because she didn’t want to hear the bad news but had she been privy to the meeting in Katarski’s she would have known that there was nothing to worry about.

“So basically what you’re telling me is that it was a harmless bit of fun, but somebody in a position of influence wants to make a mountain out of a molehill for reason or reasons unknown”

Boris Katarski said

“That about sums it up guv” Marty said

“And there’s no hope of finding the culprits” DC Deacon added

“I called Molly Westwood last night and asked her what kind of feedback the paper received on her article?” Marty said

“And?” Katarski asked

“A few “appalled” and “disgusted” but the vast majority saying it was just a bit of fun and they didn’t understand what all the fuss was about” he replied

“So public opinion is on the side of reason, but the problem is Superintendent Tilbry isn’t going to let us drop it” Boris mused

“So what do we do?” Deacon asked

“We have to get him to make us drop it” he replied

“How do we do that?” Marty asked

“You need to get better acquainted with the reporter” he replied

“Oh I think he was planning to do that anyway” Deacon remarked

“Good” Boris said

 

The subsequent phone call behind closed doors to Molly Westwood was to arrange a meeting for Marty to leak a story about undue influence being applied.

Which he did on Sharpington Pier shortly before kissing her in the moonlight.

 

Molly’s Editor at the Sharpington Courier passed on the story but as expected The Abbottsford Clarion accepted without hesitation as it was a red top tabloid that took great pleasure in rubbishing the police at every opportunity.

It amused the Inspector that he was using their bilious rag to aid the Polices cause.

So when Sunday morning came so did the revelations under the banner headline of “Police Turn a Blind Eye to Pickpockets”

The story went on to reveal how an unnamed, but Senior Police officer had shouted at his juniors

“Damn the pick pockets and damn the burglars, find me those Golliwogs”

The article was filled with quotes from members of the public who had very different expectation of the police and were bemused at the waste of resources on what was little more than a student prank.

 

As a result of the Clarion story Inspector Katarski was instructed by the Assistant Chief Constable on Monday morning to drop the “Golliwog nonsense” immediately and catch the pickpockets.

To which Boris replied

“We have them in custody already”

Thanks to Roxanne’s stunning work on the crime map they set up an observation and caught the crew of six on Saturday afternoon.

 

Roxy did eventually answer one of Richards call’s and he repeatedly assured her that everything was going to be alright but she didn’t believe him until she read the story in the paper on Sunday.

But she still had some lingering doubts until Boris emerged from his office after putting the phone down on the ACC wearing a broad grin and announced to the office at large

“Mark the Golliwog case as closed, and if anyone is interested a vacancy has just opened up for a Superintendent”

A small ripple of applause spread around the office and Richard Deacon walked over to where Roxanne was sitting and gave her shoulder a quick squeeze.

 

The sound of office chatter regarding Superintendent Tilbry’s transfer was still the pervading sound as the phone in the DI’s office rang.

Expecting it to be another disgruntled senior officer he braced himself and went back inside to answer it.

He emerged a few moments later and his complexion was ashen.

“What’s wrong guv?” Roxanne asked as the first one to notice his demeanour, but soon all eyes were on him

“Lizzie’s collapsed at the shop” he replied, Lizzie was his wife and she owned the chain of Bizzie Lizzie florists.

“Come on then let’s get down there then” Marty said and led him out of the office.

 

When the news came through that Mrs Katarski had been taken to The Royal Downshire Hospital in Purplemere, Roxy went out to the coffee room and was stood looking out the window muttering a prayer under her breath, one of thanks for herself and one of healing for Mrs Katarski.

Richard Deacon walked up behind her and put his hands on her waist and kissed the top of her head.

“I told you everything was going to be alright didn’t I” he said

“Yes” she said and leant back against him

“I just hope Mrs Katarski is going to be ok” Roxy said

“Lizzie will be fine” Richard said reassuringly “nothing bad is going to spoil it, today is a good news day”

“I hope so” Roxy replied “but what makes you so sure?”

“Nothing bad can happen on the day I tell you, I love you” he said and Roxy turned around to face him.

“You love me?” she asked

“Very much” he replied

“I love you too” Roxy said and put her head against his chest and felt the pounding of his heart.

She wanted to kiss him so much but it was impossible at the station they were lucky to get a 30 second hug without being discovered.

She found it difficult to concentrate once she returned to her desk, a desk she was sure wouldn’t be hers much longer now that the pickpockets had been caught.

She just hoped that her work on the crime map would stand her in good stead to have her secondment made permanent.

 

About midday DS Griffin returned alone from Purplemere which made everyone think the worst and when he called everyone together for an announcement it seemed to underline the fact.

Richard and Roxy were stood next to each other at the back of the group so she discretely held his hand and her breath.

“As you all know the Guv’s wife collapsed at the shop this morning” he began “The good news is that she has been discharged from hospital and the Guv is taking the rest of the day to look after her, the even better news if that’s Mrs K is pregnant”

“Thant’s brilliant” Roxy said

“You see I told you it was a good news day” Richard added

“Know all” she retorted and squeezed his hand.