The Abbottsford Police Chronicles – The Man From Cricklewood

(Part One)

Detective Sergeant Boris Katarski ran Team Three in the Abbottsford CID under DCI Bill Overend.
He was an ambitious officer who would go far but not at the expense of anyone else, his next target was Inspector but not at any cost.
Along with Inspector Tom Adamson he was one of Bill Overend first appointments to the squad he inherited from George Tiplady and Overend would not be at all surprised if one day he were working for Boris.
Despite his ambition he was also the joker of the pack and got results from his team with a laugh rather than a sharp word.
When he first met Tom Adamson, Tom asked.
“Katarski where the hell does that come from”
“Cricklewood Serge” he answered walking way.
“Ask a stupid question” Adamson muttered to himself.
He was a tall muscular thirty-four year old with Jet Black hair and wild gypsy eyes.
He was a single man who despite his bravado had absolutely no success with women at all.
He desperately wanted a wife and family but he had no idea how to full fill his wish.
This might explain why he often seemed so driven.
On his team were Detective Constable Frank Chute was also thirty-four years old.
Very much a “steady eddy” on the team and the “Little Flower” Detective Constable Jenny Hack who was pregnant.

His humor could sometimes be on the dark side such as when Tony Conway met his end.
There was a great deal of raucous laughter and gallows humour flying about in the squad room that day which turned to a chorus of cheers as DCI Overend entered.
The reason for the jollity was the news that morning of the demise of a local career criminal Tony Conway, who had inadvertently set himself alight while syphoning fuel from a van.
“Great news eh Guv, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer person” Boris said Brandishing an A3 colour photo of the spare rib formerly known as Conway.
DI Tom Adamson had obviously imparted the news of Conway’s demise ahead of his arrival.
“Every copper in the station must have pulled him at one time
Or another” said Tilly Donnally “He was like a training tool for probationers to practice on. He will be greatly missed”
“He certainly got his fingers burned this time,” added Boris.
“Well I’m pleased to see that the death of a fellow human being
Is the cause of such amusement” Bill said sternly
Everyone went silent and lowered their eyes.
“Especially when this particular human being did us the great service of setting fire to himself” Bill finished and laughed.
Everyone else joined in the laughter.

(Part Two)

They returned to the station from the “George” after an example of heavy handed policing and zero tolerance and felt bloody marvelous.
Four officers, all above the rank of Sergeant apprehended and read the riot act to a miscreant cyclist.
Adamson and Boris went through the door first and were buzzed in through the security door by the desk Sergeant, George Frank.
A more miserable, hard faced, moaning Minnie you would be hard pressed to find on God’s green earth.
He even made DC Clubley seem charming and affable.
People were never quite sure if he became that way because he’d spent so much time on the front desk, or whether he was put there to deter all but the thickest skinned of the public whiners and whinger’s.
Also in reception, though on the public side of the counter was PC Richard Deacon.
Dickie Deacon was the new boy, a bright, almost intelligent, and keen as mustard, eager to learn young man.
He was also and apparently totally impervious to the bile and poisons he was exposed to on a daily basis while working in such close proximity to the foul and odious Sergeant Frank.
He was twenty-three years old six feet tall and pencil thin. So thin in fact he was known as the stick insect.
But despite all this it was difficult not to like him and you can bet your life that people did try.
On this particular day, just as Adamson and Katarski, returned from lunch, he was rearranging the notice board.
He had in his hand’s a large poster advertising a big charity summer event.
“Any suggestions for “Help a Local Child,”” Deacon said holding up the poster.
The two men stopped briefly and looked at the poster, then they looked at each other.
“Kill a social worker.” Retorted Katarski.
The two Detective’s walked away laughing.
“I’m not sure that’s quite what they have in mind.” Said Deacon almost to himself.

(Part Three)

It wasn’t quite a normal Tuesday morning in the squad room as due to the foul weather almost everyone was late.
Detective Chief Inspector Bill Overend stood in the middle of the large open planned office in front of the assembled members of the squad.
Katarski, at the back of the room, was talking to Jimmy Pidd and Frank Chute.
The subject of their discussion was Constable Richard Deacon, the pencil thin over enthusiastic, but none the less likable young PC.
“I saw Sticky Deacon at the Cavalier Club on Saturday night with a woman.” Said Katarski.
“I find that difficult to believe.” Responded Pidd. “Unless it was his sister.”
“Well there was a lot of hand holding and kissing.” Katarski offered.
“It could still be his sister.” Said Frank Chute laughing.
“Was she a good looker?” Asked Pidd.
“No, she had definitely fallen from the ugly tree.” Replied Boris pulling a face. “And she must have hit every branch on the way down.”
The three men laughed loudly.
“Beauty is only skin deep.” Said little Jenny Hack joining the group.
“Then she had her skin on inside out.” Said Boris and they laughed again.
“You’re a horrible man Boris Katarski.” Jenny said smiling in spite of herself.
“Ok quiet down now.” Interrupted Overend. “I’m sorry we’re late getting started and as we need to get on I will make this as brief as possible.”
Bill Overend was having to assign the two new appointee’s and the three secondments to the squad.
“We have two new officers joining the squad today, firstly DC Louise Tunstall”
She was late twenties of afro Caribbean decent, two stone overweight with a facial expression that would sour milk.
“Louise will join your team Boris.” Bill paused while nods and smiles were exchanged. “And secondly DC Ali Khan”
He was of Middle Eastern extraction, thirty years old ex-cavalry.
“Ali will join your team Tom.”
“Hi ho silver.” Shouted Boris.
Bill assumed word had obviously already circulated about Khan’s military past.
“Thank you Boris.” Said Overend over the laughter. “And posse.”
“In addition we have acquired the services of three more familiar faces on temporary secondment, Marty Griffin is another one for Tom Adamson’s team.
Philippa Mead will be with Tilly Donnally’s team and lastly Dave Webster
I’m afraid you’re stuck with Boris, Dave.”
“Oh no guv now we’re going to need to fit bay window in the motor to accommodate his jug ears.”
The laughter was interrupted by the telephone ringing in the Chief Inspectors office and Tom Adamson went in and answered it.
“Sir” he put his head round the door and caught Bills attention. “It’s the CAD room.”
Bill nodded.
“Ok take ten minutes for introductions and such like then back here for assignments.” He turned and walked into his office.
After what seemed to be only a matter of seconds Overend reappeared looking grave.
“Ok can I have some attention please?” Overend shouted.
“There’s been an armed robbery in Millmoor.”
He now had their attention.
“Tilly?”
“Sir” DS Donnally responded.
“Tilly, you Khan and Griffin get over to big Cyril’s betting shop in Millmoor and take statements. DI Adamson and I will follow.”
“Yes sir.” They chorused and left.
“Boris and Frank you head over too Roespring village and interview Mrs. Curtis, she was held at gunpoint while they made big Cyril open the safe.”
“Ok sir.” Responded Katarski.
“Guv.” Said DC Chute.

(Part Four)

DS Boris Katarski was the joker of the squad and he was always cracking jokes in an effort to be popular and to mask his insecurity, if he only knew that everyone liked him anyway, they couldn’t help themselves.
No one ever stayed mad with Boris for long not even Tilly.
On a filthy morning as they drove through the English countryside towards Roespring village DC Frank Chute was a captive audience for his wit.
“So remember Frank, when you have your prostate checked make sure when the doctor is stood behind that you he hasn’t got a hand on each shoulder,”
Frank had a rich deep fruity laugh and his whole body shook.
“Enough Boris.” Frank said gripping his sides. “Enough I can’t take anymore.”
Boris smiled broadly and returned his attention to the road.
Once Frank had got his breath back and he had composed himself he said.
“Boris?”
“Yes mate.”
“Norma and I would really like you to be Godfather to Jevan.”
“Really?” Boris turned to look at Frank.
Frank nodded.
“I’m not much of a church goer “Hatches, matches and dispatches”
Is about my lot.”
“We didn’t chose you for your religious convictions Boris.”
“Me and Norma will provide religious guidance.” Said Frank sincerely. “And you will protect him from evil.”
Boris looked doubtful.
“Failing that you can just make him laugh.” Frank smiled broadly.
“You Bastard.” Boris said
“Is that a yes then?”

(Part Five)

PC Richard Deacon was on his way down the corridor heading back to reception from his meal break when he met DS Katarski and DC Chute coming the other way.
“Hello Sticky.” Boris said enthusiastically.
PC Deacon liked to be called Dickie rather than Richard but because of his Stick thin physique he was called Sticky Deacon by pretty much everyone.
“Hello Serge.” Sticky answered.
As they passed by each other Boris turned and spoke very earnestly to PC Deacon.
“Richard perhaps you could help us settle an argument.”
“If I can Serge.” He said suspicious as Boris was not in the habit of calling him Richard.
“Good, Good.” Said Boris
“Now just suppose you went camping with your mates Ok?” Deacon nodded.
“And one night you get totally rat arsed and crash out Ok?” He nodded again.
“But when you wake up next morning you find a used condom hanging from your arse”
Boris said
“Would you tell anyone?”
Dickie Deacon thought for a moment and then says. “Absolutely not.”
“Ok thanks Sticky.” Said Boris and he and Frank Chute continued down the corridor.
After they had walked about ten feet Frank Chute turned back.
“Sticky?” He called.
“Yes Mr. Chute.”
“Do you want to go camping?”

(Part Six)

It wasn’t all laughter and gallivanting around the countryside quite a lot of their time was spent behind a desk.
For example as part of the inquiry into Olympic security Inspector Adamson and Sergeant Katarski supervised and assisted the rest of the team to complete the mammoth task of collating and analyzing the vast amount of documents from Olympic Security.
They were presently collating the results to see if the deceased security guard Tony Conway, burnt to death at Dawson's recycling plant, had been placed at Olympic for the purpose of gathering information for potential robbery targets.
What they had found was that Conway had worked for two weeks at Clifford’s Biscuits who had been recently burgled.
And when Tom Adamson jetted off somewhere warm and sunny for two weeks, on holiday, Bill turned his mind to the minor problem of who was to ride shot gun for him in Tom’s absence.
After due consideration Bill decided on DS Boris Katarski, it was a no brainer really.
Boris’s normal sidekick DC Frank Chute could partner DS Tilly Donnally, he might act as a calming influence on her.

At twelve o’clock Bill decided he would take an early lunch and was on his way out of his office door when his phone rang.
His first impulse was to ignore it, because if he answered it and it was another misdial he would just get angry, but if he ignored it and it was something important.
So he answered it.
“Overend?”
He sat down and picked up his pen.
“Yes, I know it, it’s near Quarry Hill.”
“Ok thanks.”
He put down the phone and headed out of the office.
“Boris? Tilly?” He shouted.
They both emerged almost simultaneously from opposite directions.
“Sir?”
“We have a body in the Pepperstock Pits. Boris you’re with me. Tilly you take Frank.” Bill instructed.
“Oh, Tilly let Frank drive. The body’s dead so there’s no need for the infamous Donnally Warp speed.”
“Oh come on Guv?” She pleaded.

(Part Seven)

Jenny Hack was going on maternity leave and was being presented with her gifts
“Thank you Bill, firstly, I would like to thank Jenny for her valuable contribution to force and obviously look forward to her return.”
“So with gratitude and congratulations please accept these gifts as a token of our affection”
A procession of gifts were paraded to her by willing hands and they quickly piled up beside her and were in danger of dwarfing her, there were twelve in all and they arrived in such quick succession that she had no time to open them.
When the last gift had been presented Tiplady spoke again.
“Finally from DCI Overend and myself.” He announced and gave a theatrical sweep of his arm.
A beautiful brunette stepped through the crowd with the huge bouquet.
Boris thought she was stunning.
The bouquet was so large Jenny couldn’t see who was holding it until the very last second.
After a few moments it sank in and she realized who it was and she burst into tears.
“What are you doing here?” Jenny sobbed
Jenny and the brunette were chatting animatedly but Boris couldn’t make out what they were saying, but equally he couldn’t take his eyes off Jenny’s friend.
He found a place to stand were he could be on the periphery of the conversation with his mates but keep her in view, she was gorgeous.
He was brought back down to earth by a loud shout from the DCI
“Boris!”
“Guv.” Boris said as he appeared from behind a pillar.
“Can you organize some labour to get Jenny’s stuff down to her car?”
“That’s alright sir I’ll do it later.” Jenny said.
“Nonsense you are going to have an enjoyable lunch and then you are going home"
Jenny started to speak again.
Bill wagged a finger in her direction.
“Ok sir.” She answered feebly.
As Bill walked off towards his office Boris glanced over his shoulder and saw the brunette leant in close to Jenny and whisper something.


(Part Eight)

DCI Overend and Chief Superintendent Tiplady stood at the bar dispensing drinks Jenny and the girl he now knew to be Lizzie Bird settled themselves in the corner.
And one by one, drinks in hand, his colleagues joined them and Boris skillfully managed to end up sitting next to Lizzie.
There was a lot of general chatter during lunch and Boris spent most of it hanging on Lizzies every word, he was sure that she was flirting with him and when he noticed Jenny watching, Boris got quite embarrassed.

After the food was consumed, and Superintendent Tiplady settled the bill, people began to drift back to work taking it in turns to say goodbye to a tearful Jenny who was a little merry.
Before DCI Overend left he said.
“I think we need to get you a lift home Flower.”
“I’ll drive her home Bill.” Said Lizzie.
“Thanks Lizzie.” He replied.
“What about my car?” asked Jenny.
“Boris can drive your car home and Frank can follow on and bring Boris back.”
“That’s alright I can drive Boris back to the station.” Offered Lizzie.
“Are you sure that’s ok?”
“No problem.”
“There is a God” Boris said to himself

Boris had been to the toilet and we he returned to the bar they gathered Jenny and her belongings together and ushered her outside.
An hour later Jenny was safely at home in the care of her husband Bob.
Boris parked her car on their drive before he and Lizzie helped Bob unload the gifts and flowers by the time they had finished Jenny was fast asleep on the sofa.

(Part Nine)

On the journey back to Abbottsford Boris desperately searched for the right words to ask Lizzie out.
He fought the same old battle inside as he always did when in close proximity to someone he was attracted to.
Under normal circumstances he could engage anyone in conversation on a wide variety of subjects without a second thought.
Anyone and everyone that knew him would describe him as a chatty person to the point of verbal diarrhea.
But in the company of someone he fancied he just dried up.
If he didn’t hurry up he would be back at the station and his chance would be gone.
They were ten minutes into the journey before he managed to say anything.
“You’re not married then?” He blurted out.
“No, I’m a widow.” She replied
“Oh God I’m so sorry.” He said hoping he hadn’t blown it already
“That’s ok you weren’t to know.” She reassured him
“How long has it been?” he asked
“Over two years now.” She replied
They were now in the Police station car park and time was definitely running out.
“You haven’t met anyone else then?” he asked hopefully
Lizzie gave him a sideways glance but with the hint of a smile.
“Well Boris men are like parking spaces, the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.”
He laughed nervously as Lizzie finally found a space to park.
She pulled the car into the space and stopped.
“There you go.” She said
“Thanks Lizzie.” He replied
He paused and was about to speak but stopped short, he wanted to ask her out but he lost his nerve.
He opened the door and got out, then he leant down.
“Thanks again bye.” He said
“Bye Boris.”
He shut the door and walked slowly towards the building.
He cursed himself under his breath and shook his head several times and then the sound of a car horn made him jump.
He turned sharply and was about to unleash a torrent of abuse when he saw Lizzie’s laughing face through the car window.
He smiled back at her as she wound down the window.
“If you’re interested I’m free tomorrow night.” She asked.
“Right um yes.” He stuttered
“There’s a film on in town at the Tivoli I really want to see.” She said.
“Um great yes.” He stuttered again
“I’ll meet you in the foyer at 7.30. Ok?”
Boris nodded.
“Bye Boris.” She shouted as she drove off.
He continued into the station feeling 10 feet tall.

(Part Ten)

The Tivoli theatre was an old cinema originally built in the twenties.
At that time it was the only cinema for twenty miles in any direction so Abbottsford was the envy of the district.
By the late seventies however films had gone out of fashion and the theatre was closed. It was in disuse for more than ten years, it was however spared the indignity of becoming a bingo hall as many a fine picture house had.
When the cinema revival happened, Chris Bourne, a local man made good, who like many had fond memories of the Tivoli, mainly associated with courting, restored the theatre to its former glory.
Ironically it was the advent of satellite television and video rental, supposed to give us all so much choice of home viewing, which seemed to spark the revival.
It was feared for a while that the renovations would be in vain as a new multiplex cinema was opened in the new Phoenix shopping center development only three miles away.
But Chris Bourne was unperturbed and decided that the Tivoli should specialize in classic movies and retrospectives.
As a result people traveled from miles around, as they did in the twenties and thirties.
The theatre was located in the older part of town in what used to be the high street.
There were no longer any shops in the high street they had long since moved into the Phoenix center.
When the Abbottsford ring road was opened the High street was pedestrianized and this had inadvertently created a sort of leisure haven.
Where once the road had run were now benches, planters, ornamental lights and even a fountain.
The vacant shops had for some time now been occupied by a collection of restaurants, fast food outlet's, bars, café’s and wine bars.
The only premises not connected to food or drink were charity shops, craft shops, second hand book shops, two art galleries and of course the Tivoli Theatre.

(Part Eleven)

Boris was early, by an hour.
He lived in Abbottsford, very close to the town center, so it was a very short walk for him.
This though was not the reason he was early.
In truth he still couldn’t believe his luck.
No one had ever asked him out before let alone a good looker like Lizzie.
His stomach had been turning somersaults all day and the longer the day went on the worse they got to the point that he couldn’t eat.
The problem was that he felt no better now that he was there than he did when he was pacing the floor at home.
It was 6.45 and he had already walked the length of the high street and back.
As it was a fine May evening he decided to sit outside of Luigi’s, one of the Café’s which was located opposite the Tivoli.
He had the foresight to buy an evening paper when he walked into town so when he had ordered a drink he settled down to read the paper perhaps that would kill a little time.
After ten minutes he found his mind kept wandering and when he had read the same paragraph six times he gave up on the paper.
Gazing across at the Tivoli for the first time he discovered the name of the film he and Lizzie were going to watch.
Previously it hadn’t occurred to him to inquire the name of the movie he was just delighted at the prospect of spending the evening in the company of an attractive young woman.
It was Frank Capra’s classic “It’s a wonderful life” starring James Stewart and Donna Reed.
James Stewart was one of his idols as an actor and this film in particular was his all-time favorite.
Feeling encouraged for the first time about the date, because they now had some common ground on which he could discuss with some confidence, he relaxed a little.
Looking at his watch he tensed up again when he realized he still had another thirty minutes to wait.
His sanity was saved by the appearance of Inspector Holt and his wife Mary.
“Hello Boris.” John Holt said.
“Hello sir.” Answered Boris.
“It’s John when were off duty Boris, This is my wife Mary.” John said proudly and then he turned towards her.
“Mary this is Boris.”
Boris stood and shook her hand.
“I've heard a lot about you Boris.” Mary said smiling.
“Do you mind if we join you?”
“Please do” Boris gestured to an empty chair and John Holt attended the chair for his wife until she was settled and then he sat himself.
“Are you meeting someone?” Mary asked.
“Yes.” Boris answered and then he elaborated. “It’s our first date so I’m a little nervous.”
“Same for us in a manner of speaking” John said and then he and Mary smiled knowingly to each other.
John ordered the drinks.
“Where are you taking her?” They asked in unison and then giggled.
“To the Tiv.” Boris nodded in the direction of the theatre.
“Oh us too.” Said Mary.
“It’s a great film isn’t it?” Boris said
“We’ve never seen it.” John replied
“Really? You’ve never seen it?” Boris was amazed.
“You seem surprised?” said John.
“Well it’s just that’s it’s a bit of a classic.” Boris replied
Just then he noticed someone at his shoulder, a waitress he presumed, he turned to dismiss her and found Lizzie instead.
“Hi.” She said smiling broadly. “You’re early.”
He stood up.
“Hi.”
He gazed at her and was transfixed, and then he suddenly realized he was staring.
“Um this is Mary and John and this is Lizzie.” He paused briefly for the introductions.
“John is an Inspector at my station.” He explained.
“Yes I know John.” Both men looked surprised.
“The match on Wednesday.” She explained.
“Of course I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you.”
“Well I have scrubbed up a bit.” Lizzie said.
“You can say that again.” Boris said and then blushed to his roots when he realized he’d said it out loud.
Once settled and the introductions were out of the way Boris, to his and Lizzie's surprise, began the conversation.
“John and Mary are going to the Tiv as well. But they’ve never seen the film before.”
“Really?” she said in a tone suggesting they must be from another planet.
“What made you decide to see it now?”
“Well we have decided to have something of a life change” John said holding Mary’s hand tightly and gazing into her eyes.
Boris and Lizzie looked a little puzzled.
“And “It’s a wonderful life” seemed like an appropriate place to start”
Boris and Lizzie looked even more puzzled though John and Mary barely noticed.
After a few minutes Boris suggested that he went to buy the tickets while Lizzie finished her drink.
“That’s a good idea” She said and suggested that John should join him.
Her curiosity was getting the better of her and she wanted an opportunity to speak to Mary.
The men returned with the tickets just in time as the girls had just finished their drinks.
So they stood by the table while the girls went to the toilets.
When they returned Mary took John’s hand and to Boris’s surprise Lizzie slipped her hand into his and they all made their way to the theatre.