My wife Karen and I were divorcing, and I had subsequently moved out of the marital home, though it wasn’t due to any acrimony, it was just that I had no emotional link to it, whereas she really loved the house, so I had agreed to let her buy my half and while she was sorting out the mortgage I moved into a temporary flat.
Karen and I had no children so it was a fairly simple process
to separate ourselves, and we managed to keep the involvement of the blood
sucking lawyers in the process to an absolute minimum.
It was an
amicable split with no animosity or hatred, or lack of love for that matter,
there just wasn’t enough of that special ingredient that turned love into
breathless, heart skipping passion.
We still
loved each other very much but only as a very dear friend.
Anyway,
while I was waiting for the money to come through from my half of the house, I
moved into a slightly run down flat in what the agent said was an up-and-coming
area, it had everything I required though, it just needed a little TLC, which I
thought I wouldn’t actually need to give it, as I wouldn’t be there long
enough.
It was
only a stop gap, so a little wear and tear didn’t bother me.
I worked
from home so the only thing I really needed was broadband which was easily
sorted after a single phone call.
I liked
the flat, despite its dinginess; it was the top floor of three so there was no
noise from above and only two flats per floor, and the other third floor flat
was occupied by the quietest neighbour I had ever known, in fact I had been
living there for three weeks before I even realised, I had a neighbour, and the
only reason I discovered that was because of an obnoxious delivery man.
I had been
out to the local “seven eleven” for some provisions and I had just returned to
find a sweaty, heavily tattooed man arguing with a small red-haired woman in
her late 20’s separated by what appeared to be a brand-new fridge freezer.
The item
was so positioned that the diminutive redhead had to peer around it to see her
adversary.
“It says
on the docket “doorstep delivery”” he said
“And this
is the doorstep”
“But I
can’t get it inside the flat on my own” she said
“Look
sweetheart, you’re lucky I bought it this far” he snapped
“Now are
you going to sign for it or not?”
“Do I have
a choice?” she said snatching his PDA from his hand and scribbling a signature
on the screen.
He then
snatched it back and hurriedly turned away, so much so that I had to quickly
step aside to avoid being trampled, but when the sweaty geezer had gone, I
asked
“Do you
need a hand?”
“Pardon
me?” she said
“Would you
like a hand getting it inside?”
“Oh” she
exclaimed with surprise “yes that would be very kind, thank you”
“No problem”
I said and deposited my shopping bags on my doorstep then went back to her and
began manhandling the fridge freezer into her kitchen where I helped her to
unpack it.
“I’m Phil
by the way” I said “Phil Bradshaw”
“Natalie Bunyan” she replied
When we
had finished in the kitchen and tidied up the packaging, she made me a coffee
and we sat in the lounge and drank it.
“I haven’t
seen you out and about” I said
“That’s
because I don’t” Natalie replied
“You don’t
what?” I asked a little confused
“Go out”
she said
“I don’t
understand” I said
“I don’t
go out” she confirmed
“What!
Never?”
“Never”
she replied
“Agoraphobia?”
I asked
“Yes” she
replied enthusiastically because someone actually knew what was wrong with her.
“How
long?” I asked
“What?
Since I went out?” Natalie asked
“Yes”
“Three
years” she said
“Three
years?” I repeated in disbelief
“Why?”
“Lots of
reasons really” Natalie said quietly, and I just sat and waited for her to
elaborate.
“I’m just
scared I suppose, it’s scary out there”
“Could you
not go out with someone?” I suggested
“I have no
one now” Natalie replied sadly
“No
family?” I asked
“No”
“Husband?
Boyfriend?” I added
“No”
“Girlfriend?”
I ventured
“No” she
said very definitely
“Ok but
you must have friends” I said
“I used
to, but now they’re all gone, one by one they stopped coming to see me or
answering the phone” she said sadly “avoiding the nutter clearly”
“Then they
weren’t real friends in the first place” I offered
“I suppose
not” she responded and there was a brief silence and then I asked
“How do
you manage financially?”
“Well, the
flat was left to me by my Gran, and I have an annuity from my parent’s estate
plus a small income from shares and investments, and then I earn a little
money, proof reading”
I nodded
and Natalie added
“It’s a
modest income but I’m not an extravagant person”
“What
about shopping?” I asked
“Home
delivery” Natalie replied
“What
about things that can’t be delivered?”
“The
hairdresser comes here to the flat” she said
“What
about health?”
“I have an
exercise bike and a treadmill” she replied
“No, I
mean your health, doctors, hospital visits and such like?” I asked
“I attend
to myself” she said
“You can’t
attend to everything yourself” I said
“What
about prescription medications?”
“You can
get anything on the Internet” Natalie replied
“Blimey” I
said “you really need to go outside”
“Yes, but
I can’t” she said, and tears welled up in her eyes “I just can’t”
“What if I
was to help you?” I suggested
“Would you
do that?” she asked wiping away the tears
So, over
the following months I set about helping her to leave her flat.
It wasn’t
easy, it could have been a lot simpler if I’d just given her Rohypnol and
carried her outside and waited for her to come around, but that would have been
counterproductive, so we had to do it the hard way.
However,
the truth was I had no idea where to begin to help her.
“So, tell
me how it started?” I asked her one morning
“What?”
she said
“How did
the agoraphobia start?” I replied and she totally broke down,
“I’m
sorry” I said as I comforted her “I didn’t mean to upset you”
When the
sobs had subsided, and she’d dried her eyes she said in a faltering voice
“It wasn’t
just one thing”
“Really?”
I pressed, sensing a lie
There was
a long silence as she processed his question.
“I lost my
parents when I was in my third year at University which cost me my degree” she
said, I didn’t respond but let her take her time to continue when she was ready
and finally, she spoke.
“I stayed
in my room at University for three months”
“But you
came out” I said
“That was
Colin” Natalie said
“Colin?” I
asked
“Colin
Clarke” she replied “my fiancé”
“Oh”
“He told
me he loved me and that he couldn’t live without me and then he proposed to me”
she said flatly “and so I left the room with him”
“But?” I
responded and Natalie looked at me as the tears welled up in her eyes again,
but she swallowed hard and added
“But, four
years later, a month before the wedding when he was on the stag weekend, he
phoned me from Amsterdam and said the wedding was off because he didn’t love
me”
“Nice” I
said
“It was
worse than that, because he said he’d never loved me”
“God” I
exclaimed
“That was
the single thing” she said, and the tears came again.
After her
revelations I was even more determined to help her, so I decided to contact a
doctor, her doctor, or at least the surgery where she was still registered.
It took 3
weeks to get one of the overpaid narcissists to do a home visit and when he did
the best, he could manage was to offer her a course of anti-depressants.
“I don’t
want antidepressants” she shouted “I want help”
“I’m
offering you help” the doctor said
“No,
you’re offering me a chemical cosh” she said “I’m agoraphobic, I need proper
help”
“I don’t
need your bloody antidepressants I can medicate myself with Pinot at £4 a
bottle”
“Well, if
you change your mind” he snapped as he got up “make an appointment to come to
the surgery”
“If I
could make it to the bloody surgery, I wouldn’t need your help, you fucking
idiot” She shouted after him
I remained
seated in the armchair and smiled as she slammed the door, I think that was the
moment I stopped seeing her as a damsel in distress.
I really
liked Natalie despite her phobia, she was a really feisty little redhead and
quite cute to boot.
So, we had
sought medical advice and found them wanting so we resorted to Natalie’s cure
all and read up on the subject on the internet, but even that was contradictory
and was by and large unhelpful.
Despite
this we took matters in our own hands, and formulated our plan based loosely on
what we had read.
On day
one, she just had to take one step out of her front door, count to 10 and step
back again.
Well, I
say day one, it actually took 3 days for her to take that first step and then
she repeated the process for a week but counted five seconds longer each time
before she stepped back inside.
Phase two,
Natalie had to walk out of her front door take two steps and touch the wall in
front of her, which she did first time, and she was so thrilled and excited that
when she stepped back through the door she kissed me.
Which
wasn’t just an excited peck on the cheek, it was full on the mouth, and was
followed through with no holds barred passion and one thing led to another and
we ended up in her bed.
“Wow” I
said as she collapsed on top of me.
“Oh yes
very acceptable” she echoed then as she cuddled up to me, she added “I haven’t
done that for a while”
It hadn’t
occurred to me at any stage since I’d known her, even when she told me she
hadn’t left the flat for three years that Natalie hadn’t had sex.
Well
actually it had been 4 years since the last time, and she was as horny as hell.
“Couldn’t
you order that on the internet?” I asked her
“I’m sure
you can” Natalie replied “but I don’t do it with just anyone”
I took
that to mean that I wasn’t just anyone, which was great because she wasn’t just
anyone to me.
Of course,
by sleeping with her, as wonderful as it was, not just that first time but all
the subsequent occasions, I had inadvertently given her another reason not to
go outside.
Although
to her credit she persevered and showed no sign of giving up, in fact the more
progress she made the more vigorously she rewarded herself in the bedroom.
By the end
of the third month the money had finally come through from Karen for my half of
the house and I was able to move on, but I was far from ready to do that, and
by the middle month five, Natalie had made so much progress.
She could
walk to the lift without pausing for breath, she could also take the lift to
the ground floor and could even walk to the front doors.
But that
was the point where she faltered, day after day, she would pass through her
front door with real purpose only for it to evaporate away at the threshold of
the outside world and nothing I could say or do could make her go any further.
Once back
in her flat a black depression would descend on her and I had no option but to
leave her.
It broke
my heart to see her like that, but I knew that trying to lift her spirits when
she was that down was quite futile.
The next
day however she would always be bright and full of new resolve which I knew
would be short lived.
Seeing her
down was all the more heart-breaking for me because I had fallen in love with
her.
However, I
was in a quandary because I couldn’t tell her that I loved her, not because I
didn’t think she felt the same about me, but because Natalie’s ex fiancé had
once pledged his love to her in order to get her to re-enter the world and he
turned out to have feet of clay.
It was a
gloriously sunny late September day when it finally all came to a head.
“Today’s
the day” she said as we left her flat hand in hand and I squeezed her hand in
response and said
“I’m with
you every step of the way”
We
progressed briskly towards the lift without a moment’s hesitation.
The ride
down to the foyer was silent but for Natalie’s breathing which was slow and
deliberate.
When the
doors opened and we stepped forward, still holding hands, and quickly crossed
the foyer.
As we
approached the double glass doors, I reached my free hand out and pushed the left-hand
door open and without breaking stride I stepped outside and still holding
Natalie’s hand I pulled her behind me.
Once I
emerged into the sunlight, I was thinking to myself “so far, so good” when my
progress was halted.
I looked
around to see Natalie half in and half out of the door hanging onto the door
frame with her free hand.
“You’re
nearly there darling” I said
“I can’t”
she said
“Just one
more step” I urged her
“I can’t”
she repeated and let go of my hand
“Please
come with me” I pleaded
“Why?” she
asked
“Well,
there are so many places I want to take you, things I want to show you and
things I want to share with you” I said
“But why?”
Natalie said remaining in the doorway
“Don’t you
know why?” I asked her
“No” she
said
I didn’t want
to say it but she was giving me no alternative, so I said
“Because I….”
“No don’t
say it Phil” she shouted
“I have
too”
“No, you
mustn’t” Natalie urged
“I must” I
said
“You know
I was tricked back into the world once before by a false love” Natalie said
“I’m scared it will happen again”
“I can’t
not say it; because it’s true” I said “I love you”
“I love
you too” she responded almost in tears “but I don’t think I can do it”
“Then
don’t” I said
“What?”
she said
“I don’t
care where we are as long as we’re together” I said
“You don’t
ever have to come outside you can stay in there forever and I will bring the
world to you”
“And you
will still love me?” she asked
“Forever”
I replied
“Hold my
hand” she said, and I reached out and took hold of her outstretched hand, and
she grasped it tightly like her life depended on it.
I looked
at her determined face and smiled at her and she returned it.
“Ok I’m
ready” she said and taking a deep breath she stepped over the threshold out
into the sunshine and into my arms.
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