Tales from the Finchbottom Vale – (22) Betcha By Golly Wow – Lindsay’s Tale

 

It was Saturday night in Mornington-By-Mere and goods friends Roxanne Kincaid-Smith, Lindsay Cooper and Rosie Parsons were sitting in the bar of the Old Mill Inn discussing their plans for the Bank Holiday.

All three of the girls were born and bred in the village but since starting out on their chosen careers they didn’t get together as often as they would have liked due shift patterns for Rosie and Roxy and the on call Rota for Lindsay.

At 26 Lindsay was a year older than Police Woman Roxy and a year younger than Nurse Rosie.

She lived in The Close at number 4, with her parents Roy and Sally and two younger brothers John and David.

She was a Veterinary Nurse with the Jeffrey and Teague Veterinary Practice which had been fulfilling the Veterinary needs of the Finchbottom Vale inhabitants since God was a boy and it was still going strong.

She split her time between the Vets in the village, the Hospital in Shallowfield and assisting Vets on farm visits.

She liked working in Mornington because it was only a five minute walk to work and more importantly because she had a bit more discretion and latitude to make decision than she did in Shallowfield.

Of the two senior partners in the practice, Robin Jeffrey was now retired and living in Dulcet’s Mill, one of the three remaining Mornington Windmills.

Which meant for the most part it was just her and the other senior Ian Teague who she liked very much and Hayley Gwilym who was becoming a close friend.

The only downside to her dream job happened to be that her on call Rota meant she didn’t get to see her best friends regularly enough for her liking.

But a three day window opened up in which all three friends were off duty and furthermore without any other commitments in their diaries, an event rarer than hen’s teeth, so they all decided to make the most of it.

The fact that the three days happened to fall over the Bank holiday weekend was just the icing on the cake.

They had already eaten a sumptuous meal at the Old Mill Inn and followed that up with a significant amount of alcohol which influenced their decision making significantly.

But a decision had to be made, as they had signed up for the Sharpington Day Parade on Bank Holiday Monday.

It was a Charity event which raised tens of thousands of pounds every year much of which was collected by volunteers rattling tins along the route.

And traditionally the majority of volunteers took part in fancy dress and it was that element of the Parade which was vexing the three friends as they didn’t know what to go as.

“It needs to be something different” Lindsay said

“It needs to be something memorable” Roxy added

“I know just the thing” Rosie Parsons suddenly announced

“What?” the other two asked

“Golliwogs”

“What?” the two repeated

“Brilliant eh” Rosie said

“Are you mad?” Roxy asked with alarm “I’m a serving Police Officer”

“So?” Rosie asked

“It’s a bit “out there”” Lindsay pointed out

 “Where’s your sense of adventure?”

“Adventure?” Roxy said “They’ll hang me out to dry”

“Oh God just because you wear blue serge knickers doesn’t mean you can’t have a laugh” Rosie said “Besides who’s going to recognise you under the makeup?”

“Oh I don’t know” Roxy said doubtfully

“We could carry tambourines so people will think we’re minstrels” Rosie suggested

“I’m not sure people will see the distinction” Lindsay added

“Oh come on you two it’ll be fun” Rosie said encouragingly

“I’ll remember that when I’m working as a security guard for Quid Busters” Roxy retorted

“Don’t be such a drama queen” Rosie said

“So are you two in or not?”

“Count me in” Lindsay said with bravado and turned her eyes on Roxy

“Ok I’m in” she agreed reluctantly

 

In the cold light of day when they surfaced on Sunday afternoon the girls had serious doubts about the wisdom of dressing as Golliwogs for the Sharpington Day Parade but none of them voiced their concerns as they didn’t want to appear wimpy in front of the other two.

The drive over to Sharpington to register was completed largely in silence as they were so hungover from the night before.

Unfortunately it was a trip they had to make, as volunteers for the fundraising effort for the Parade had to register on Sunday afternoon where they would also pick up collection tins.

Fortunately those participating in fancy dress were not required to notify the organisers in advance what they planned to dress up as or to provide a photograph either which was just as well really due partly to the Non PC nature of what they had in mind but mainly as they didn’t know the precise details themselves.

 

As they walked quietly along the promenade towards the organizers marquee in Jubilee Park the three of them still had great unvoiced misgivings about the costumes.

 

“I really don’t think we should be doing this” Lindsay said to herself, she was particularly concerned because of the fear of losing peoples good opinion of her, it was very important to her what people thought of her.

But as they turned up one of the lanes they spotted something that put all their minds at rest.

They came upon a shop selling a mixture of the usual seaside novelties along with a selection of fancy dress items such as clown masks and reversible wigs.

“That’s perfect” Rosie said holding a clown mask in her hands “No one will see the black makeup under this”

“And these are just what we need” Lindsay said picking up a wig which was black on one side and red or white on the other.

“I think we might just get away with it” Roxy said and as they left the shop with their purchases their collective mood had lightened appreciatively.

 

They continued their walk up to Jubilee Park and duly registered and were quite surprised at how quickly it was all completed and it was only just over an hour later when they were heading back down the lane again carrying their collection tins.

The journey home was much more typical for them than the earlier one was with all three of them having found their voices again and for the most part they were all speaking at the same time.

But amidst all the incessant chatter, during which it would have appeared to the casual observer that they were all talking and no one was listening, they formulated a plan.

They would drive down from Mornington to Sharpington at “sparrows fart” as Rosie described it and go straight to the Whitecliff Hill Caravan Park where Lindsay’s Aunty Lynn had a static caravan, which she seldom used, but then she did live on the Shore of Teardrop Lake in the Dancingdean Forest, so why would you leave that for a caravan in Sharpington.

Lindsay had already spoken to Aunty Lynn and got her permission although she didn’t say what she and the others were planning to do. 

 

Sharpington-by-Sea is a traditional seaside resort complete with a Victorian Pier, seafront hotels, crazy golf, The Palladium ballroom, well maintained gardens, promenade, theatre and illuminations, all the usual things to have a great time by the seaside, as well as amusement arcades and of course the Sharpington Fun Park.

Which was the first purpose built amusement park to open in Britain, which had an assortment of rides, like the Rotor and the Wild Mouse, The Cyclone and the Morehouse Galloper, all very tame compared to a 21st century roller coasters but still fun.

But on Bank Holiday Monday the town was taken over by the Sharpington Day Charity Parade.

 

The road leading to the coast was very busy and even leaving Mornington at the crack of dawn didn’t speed their journey any, as a lot of the roads in Sharpington were closed to the public which slowed their progress, until they reached the outskirts of the town where they turned off and circled around and then up to Whitecliff.

 

When they had finished changing and had made their faces up they put their clown masks on and the red or white side to their wigs, Roxy plumped for the white while Rosie and Lindsay chose the red.

The clown masks were made from latex and were designed to fit right over the head but because it was still summer and they were wearing nylon wigs they decided to cut most of the back out and put some strategically placed holes in the face.

They were concerned that if their heads sweated too much the black face would run, they needn’t have worried.  

To avoid having to black up everywhere they all wore long sleeved tops and gloves and bright red silk scarves around their necks.

The wigs covered their ears so they didn’t need to do them and the clown mask covered everything else.

They were all dressed in Red, White and Blue of some description but Lindsay was wearing a blue t-shirt, a red flared skirt and white tights.

Lindsay was a girlie girl and liked to dress like one whenever possible because in her work her clothes were very utilitarian and quite unfeminine.

In addition they all wore substantially sized bum bags to carry some essential items for the day.

Lindsay the biggest of all of them despite her being the smallest, and hers was full to over flowing with beauty products because she had no idea what harm the black makeup was doing to her skin.  

 

When they joined the parade they were about six or seven floats from the front and Roxy was hoping they could get round without having to expose themselves as Golliwogs.

The atmosphere was amazing and they were really enjoying themselves, and they had almost forgotten what they had planned to do.

But as they approached the Pier Rosie gestured to the other two and they stepped through the crowd and went into the ladies and when they immerged five minutes later their clown masks had gone and their wigs had been reversed and they all looked like Al Jolson.

“What the hell am I doing?” Lindsay asked herself as they ran back through the crowd

 

 

Their arrival was greeted with a huge cheer from the throng as they took up their positions and they collected as much money in ten minutes as Golly’s as they had all the while they were clowns.

But their success was short lived because after about one hundred yards the procession passed by the end of what was known locally as pub crawl alley because in that street, that lead from the promenade to the outskirts of town, had a totally of 27 pubs and clubs in it.

And it was from one of those pubs that a small group of inebriated afro Caribbean patrons saw them and took exception at what they saw and amidst shouts of abuse and threats of physical violence Rosie decided that discretion was the better part of valour and shouted to her friends

“Quick leg it”

 

When the balloon went up, the three girls all ran in different directions and unknown to them the group of pursuers were halted in their tracks when the appreciative crowd put themselves between them and their prey, but not being aware of that fact, as they never looked back, the girls just ran hell for leather like startled deer.

Lindsay was small and slight and was possessed of whippet like speed and of the three of them she was the most confident that she wouldn’t be caught and furthermore she knew precisely where she was going.

She sprinted onto the Pier and ran the full length until she reached the steps that led down to the fishermen’s deck which she knew would be deserted at that time because the tide was out.

Lindsay sat on a bench and opened the zip on her bum bag and with the aid of a compact mirror, cotton wool and her cleansing lotion she made quick work of the black face makeup.

Once that was achieved she set about remaking up her face again to complete the transition from one of the Black and White Minstrels into pretty white girl.

The latter taking little effort as she was a pretty girl and Lindsay was a girlie girl who always liked to dress like one whenever possible because in her work as a veterinary nurse her clothes were very utilitarian and quite unfeminine.

There was only so much you could do in green wellies and waterproofs.

Admittedly it took a little more effort now that she was twenty six than it did when she was twenty five.

Not that she was particularly vain it was just that she didn’t think she would catch Mr Right wearing moleskin trousers and wellies and she was looking for Mr Right but had as yet had no success.

Once her face was done and she’d made the best she could of her blonde hair under the circumstances, she attended to her clothes.

Unfortunately she had snagged her white tights on the way down the steps so they had to go.

The red flared skirt was fine but her blue t-shirt was a bit sweaty from her run, luckily she had a white vest top in her bag so she changed into that, then all that was needed was a squirt of perfume and she was done.

Her discarded tights and the used cotton wool all went in the bin and everything else was returned to her voluminous bum bag.

After that she just had to wait for one of the others to ring her.

She had texted them both but as yet had not got a response so she just kept waiting and after half an hour her patience was rewarded when Rosie called.

Rosie had spoken to Roxy already and so they arranged to meet up by the entrance to the Pier.

 

When she reached the entrance Rosie was already there waiting and Roxy was approaching the Pier hand in hand with a man.

“Lucky cow” Lindsay said as she gave Rosie a hug then Roxie left the mystery man on the periphery and the three reunited girls silently hugged and then they found their voices and for the most part of the next five minutes they were all speaking at the same time.

When the chattering huddle broke up Roxy introduced Lindsay and Rosie to her man, Richard and as the last of the floats had gone past they all walked together up to Jubilee Park to hand in their collection tins.

 

Roxy and Rosie had to be back at work the next day so they drove back to Mornington that night but Lindsay had the rest of the week off so she stayed on at her Aunty Lynn’s caravan for a few extra days.

Roxy wasn’t really comfortable leaving her on her own but as she worked at Sharpington Station she pledged to check up on her during the week but just to be on the safe side she gave Lindsay her pepper spray just to be on the safe side.

Lindsay didn’t feel at risk, she had after all stayed in the caravan on her own on many occasions and she knew the people in the vans either side of her.

 

One of the reasons Lindsay wanted to stay on at the caravan after the Bank Holiday was to have some quiet time to herself away from the hubbub in the Cooper household.

As much as she loved her family, to spend four days on her own in a caravan was bliss.

Even if she spent the time catching up with her reading with the only thing for company being the sound of the September rain beating on the roof, which it did for three days.

On Friday the weather improved which was just as well as the other reason she had stayed on in Sharpington was because she was had been invited to the 30th birthday party for one of the vets she worked with, Hayley Gwilym, at the Palladium Ballroom on the promenade.

She spent most of Friday afternoon getting ready, but was still late leaving and set off from the caravan just after 8.00pm.

It was a safe walk down to the town of Sharpington from Whitecliff as it was along a well-used road which was busy during the day and very well lit at night.

 

Lindsay entered Jubilee Park a little after 8.30pm, she was apprehensive about walking through the park at dusk but she was late for the party so she had no real choice.

She walked hurriedly and that brisk pace was as a result of her tardiness and her unease in equal measure.

 

Her invitation to the party stated, which sat in her bag, in no uncertain terms that the theme for the evening was a simple one. 

Entry to the Palladium Ballroom, even with an invitation, would only be granted providing the bearer was wearing pink and the more pink the better.

 

Which was why Lindsay was wearing a pink dress, pink shoes, had a pink ribbon in her hair and carried a pink handbag, she was even wearing pink underwear but she didn’t intend showing that to all and sundry.

 

Chris White was heading in the opposite direction to Lindsay on his way home from work and couldn’t help but notice the girl in the pink dress.

He always noticed pretty girls, especially blondes, and he guessed from the colour of her outfit exactly where she was headed.

He had seen a lot of similarly dressed men and women in and around town and a lot of them where heading into the Palladium Ballroom.  

As he passed her on a parallel path she reached into her bag for her mobile phone and as she pulled it out she also pulled out a small pink envelope with it, which fell silently to the floor.

 

As Lindsay strode purposely on through the park she was totally oblivious to the fact that she something had fallen from her bag.

So Chris hurried to the point where he had seen the envelope fall.

He picked it up and saw it was addressed to Miss Lindsay Cooper, 4, The Close, Mornington.

“That’s interesting” he thought, she only lived two doors away from his Uncle Andy.

He didn’t look at the contents of the envelope but thought quite understandingly that if she was carrying it in her handbag it must be of some importance to her, so he set off to close the distance that had opened up between them.

 

His prey was a small slight young woman but she covered the ground quite quickly regardless, Chris was a foot taller with longer legs and yet he was still struggling to catch her.

Lindsay had noticed the man as they passed by, and she thought him quite handsome, and was at the time a little disappointed that they weren’t going the same way.

But when she noticed that he had changed direction and was following her, she didn’t think him quite so handsome. 

As pretty as she was from the front he had to say she had a very nice rear aspect and those busy little legs of hers were really very attractive.

As Lindsay walked faster so did he and she was walking as fast as her little legs could carry her and she thought she would easily reach the exit from the park where there would be more people around before he caught up with her.

But then her legs began to tire and suddenly it was like she was walking through treacle and he was gaining on her with every stride.

Chris called after her as he got closer but she had earpieces in so she couldn’t hear him.

She glanced over her shoulder and was alarmed to see in her peripheral vision that he was muttering to himself as he got closer.

Each small faltering step she took moved her closer to the gate and safety but she could feel his presence more and more as each second passed. 

Feeling really anxious Lindsay fumbled in her handbag and was in sight of the gate just as Chris got close enough to put a hand on her shoulder and she turned around and sprayed him with Roxy’s pepper spray.

“Get away you pervert” she screamed

“What the fuck did you do that for?” he shouted as the spray began to burn his eyes 

“Because you’re a pervert” she said

Chris was rubbing his eyes while still clasping the envelope.

“I was trying to give you this” he said waiving it in her direction “it fell out of your bag”

“What?” she exclaimed and snatched the envelope from his hand, she quickly read the address and then the full realisation dawned on her

“Oh God my invitation” she said “I’m so sorry I thought you were…”

“A pervert” he said “yes you did mention it”

 

Lindsay felt terrible after rewarding the man’s act of kindness with a face full of pepper spray.

“Don’t rub them you’ll just make them worse” she advised and then produced a small bottle of water from her bag

“This will help” she said and splashed water in his enflamed eyes “it also helps if you blink a lot”

“What helps is not getting sprayed in the first place” he corrected her

“Yes, sorry again” she said “but I was scared, it looked like you were chasing me”

“I had to chase you, you were like a whippet” he said

“And you were muttering to yourself” she said defensively

“I wasn’t muttering to myself” Ken said “I was trying to speak to you but you had earphones in”

“Oh dear” she said “I really did get it wrong didn’t I?”

“That will teach me to mind my own business in future” he said

“Oh don’t say that” she implored “It was really sweet of you to try”

And she gave him the most dazzling smile which even through bleary eyes made up to some degree for the discomfiture.

“Let me make it up to you” she said “let me buy you a drink”

“I thought you were going to a party” he reminded her

“Oh yes, you’re right” she agreed “I am, I forgot”

“It’s not a problem” he said “I’ll be fine”

“I can take a plus one” she said

“No really you don’t have to do that” Chris said

“Not that I would be allowed into the Palladium anyway”

“Why? Have you been barred?” she asked

“No nothing like that” he said “I’m not wearing anything pink”

“Well that’s not strictly true” Lindsay said with a giggle “You haven’t seen your eyes”

“You should see them from this side” he said and winced

“So will you come?” she asked

“That depends” he replied

“On what?”

“A couple of things” Chris explained

“Which are?”

“Firstly on whether or not you have any more weaponry in that bag of yours” he said 

“No you’re quite safe I’m all out” Lindsay said with a laugh “and what’s the second thing?”

“Will you hold my arm because I really can’t see very well?”

“Oh God what have I done” she exclaimed “yes that’s the least I can do”

“Ok then it’s a deal” he said amiably

 

As they walked arm in arm down to the Palladium Lindsay felt rather pleased with herself, she had a great looking guy on her arm, in fact a really good looking guy, a real head turner.

Although in truth the head turning might have had something to do with his pink eyes but nonetheless he was turning heads.

And on top of being handsome he was a gentleman and she didn’t meet many of them.

She would have had to admit it was an unconventional way to snag a man but “all’s fair in love and war”.

Thank God for Roxy and her pepper spray.

All she had to do now was use her charms on him to make sure she got a more conventional date with her pink eyed good hearted Gentleman who she hoped could be her Mr Right.