Friday 2 July 2021

The Clerembeax Palace Hotel and Spa – Independence Day

 

The Clerembeax’s arrived in Downshire following the Norman conquests and stayed for a thousand years before the name died out following the death of the reclusive Marcus Clerembeax at the age of 96.

He had lived alone, apart from a butler and a cook, for 50 years after the tragic deaths of his two sons in the hedonistic sixties as a result of an excess of drugs and alcohol.

His wife chose to deal with the loss by taking her own life the day after the funeral while Marcus decided his best course of action was to turn his back on the world and hide himself away.  

Following his death in the autumn of 2015, with no direct heirs it took the Clerembeax solicitors, Beaumont, Villiers and Goodfellow, more than a year to find a legitimate Heir to inherit the estate, and that was 50-year-old distant cousin Yvonne Labuschagne, and she took up residence in the January of 2017.

She was by profession a masseuse and had worked for many years along with her late husband at the Dancingdean Spa Hotel in Childean, but with her inheritance she had the means and the venue to open her own Spa at the Clerembeax Palace, but the house needed work.

The exterior was fine as the reclusive Marcus had been sensible enough to keep the fabric of the building well maintained.

She wasn’t sure about keeping the word “Palace” in the name because the building didn’t really look very palatial, mainly due to the fact that the original Clerembeax Palace burned down in the 19th century so the present manifestation was in fact a rather gaudy Victorian monstrosity in comparison, though it was not without its charms.

The interior had stood the test of time far less well and needed at the very least a lot of TLC.

The 19th century plumbing certainly wouldn’t stand the rigors of a 21st century Spa and the electrics needed a complete rewire.

While the Library was both a blessing and a curse, the latter because it took up so much space and the former because it was full of valuable old books which was where Jennifer Bardsley and Paige Turners came in.

Her skill at seeking out the illusive and the obscure meant that Paige Turners were the “go to” people if you wanted something different, special or that which had eluded you.

So, it was in her role as book expert extraordinaire that she was the first guest to stay at the Clerembeax, albeit a nonpaying one, while she catalogued the books and documents in the Library.  

When she had completed her cataloguing and appraisal of the library she gave Yvonne a ball park figure of what she might expect at auction from the rarest volumes and she nearly fainted.

The understanding when Paige Turners undertook the appraisal, was that they would have first refusal on the contents at the market value, but they recommended O’Sullivan and Springthorpe to sell the really valuable items at auction and Paige Turners would take a small commission.

 

Fifty-year-old Yvonne was a small dark-haired woman who had maintained her figure well over the years, and was widely considered to be attractive, but despite that she was on her own since her husband’s early death, and it was the one regret she had in her life, however she hoped that would change when the Spa was up and running.

But as part of the process Jennifer Bardsley introduced her to Account Manager, Gareth Fackrell from Paige Turners, who was handling the sale of the books through O’Sullivan and Springthorpe.

 

While the renovation where in full swing, Yvonne and Gareth had regular meetings over the months, and at their final meeting, which was at the “Palace” on the eve of World Book Day, Gareth revealed to her the latest balance sheet including all of February sales, which was a significant figure, far exceeding expectations.

“My God I didn’t realise there were so many Book Worms in the World” she said and then she began to jump up and down, squealing with delight, and then she threw her arms around Gareth and kissed him.

Which initially took him by surprise, but he soon gathered himself and joined in, and as it was the first time she’d kissed a man other than her husband since she was at University, as well as being the first since her husbands died, it was one hell of a kiss.

Unfortunately, they both got caught up in the excitement of the moment, and the resulting embarrassment felt by both parties, so it was agreed that he hand the account over to a colleague for the duration.

But that aside, in the end it there was enough to cover it all with some left over.

At the outset Yvonne hoped that a combination of her inheritance, her savings and the revenue from the book sale would go a long way to paying for the renovations and the refit.

Her first action once she knew what her general budget was, was to decide how to spend it, as her background was as a masseur and she had spent her whole working life working in Spa’s she knew what services and treatments she wanted to offer, as well as being able to find the people to work there.

However, she had no inkling on how to manage the renovations or to run a Hotel so the only course of action open to her was to employ people who could.

Her first hire was Hannah Morgan, who Yvonne knew from her time at the Dancingdean Spa Hotel in Childean, where she was a very underappreciated Assistant Manager and a great organiser, and the second was Stephen Hood as Project Manager, who she knew by reputation only.

But when his car pulled up outside the Hotel a distinguished looking gentleman of around fifty years of age got out of the driver’s side she hoped to get to know him better.

But when she actually met him she discovered to her disappointment that he was an arrogant arse and not the sort of person she could have a relationship with, but as a Project Manager she had no gripe with him at all and he certainly lived up to his reputation.

 

Although the library proceeds more than covered the refurbishment and equipping, the proceeds from the Spa, once it was fully up and running, wouldn’t be enough to keep the Palace solvent indefinitely, so they needed a steady flow of hotel guests.

In addition, she had a sizable Ballroom at her disposal which Hannah Suggested could be utilized on a regular basis throughout the year, which would boost the numbers of Hotel guests and Spa visitors at the same time.

 

Under Stephens stewardship the renovations went very well and were completed on time and only marginally over budget, and while he was achieving that, Hannah used all of organisational skills and planning to get the Hotel staffed and prepared for the grand opening, but the staff for the Spa were recruited and interviewed by Yvonne.

  

At the end of June Yvonne had a meeting with Stephen, as his contract was up at the end of the month.

“I am very pleased with the job you’ve done for us, so I have included a little bonus in here” she said as she handed him an envelope.

He took the envelope an opened it, withdrew the cheque and nodded after reading it.  

“Excellent, thank you” he said

“But I was thinking that I should stick around for a while, at least for a few month until everything is running smoothly”

“That won’t be necessary” she said, not wanting him around even a day longer than was absolutely necessary.

“Well if you’re sure” he said

“Very sure”

 

“Get your CV up to date Hannah you need to start looking for another job” he announced

“I give this place a year at best”

“Nonsense, we’re in good shape” Hannah retorted

“Well I think she’s completely out of her depth” he retorted 

“She can’t run this place on her own”

“She’s not on her own” Hannah said

“This place is too big to be run without a man at the helm, I offered her my services, but she threw it back in my face”

“Rubbish, what century are you from?” Yvonne is a strong woman, an independent woman, and she has other strong independent women around her and this place has a great future” she retorted angrily “Now I suggest you leave”

“You’re as deluded as she is” he shouted and went out and slammed the door behind him

“Well said Hannah” Yvonne said as she suddenly appeared at the top of the stairs

“Thank you, for your loyalty”

“No need for thanks” she replied “I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, and besides us independent women need to stick together”

Fittingly the Clerembeax Palace Hotel and Spa opened fully for business on July 4th, Independence Day, without a man at the helm.

IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW – TINA

 

If I knew then what I know now

I would have pursued little Tina

Posh totty Tina

Tina with the short blonde curls

Always exquisitely dressed

And the sensible shoes

With twinkling eyes

A fragrance to stir the soul

And the most perfect smile

But I held back because I’m common

I know now she didn’t care

If only I’d known then what I know now of life

WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 3

Why do I love you hon?

Because you feel fortunate

That I’m in love with you

Thursday 1 July 2021

Those Memories Made on Teardrop Lake – (19) Mr. and Mrs.

It was mid-September when recent divorcee Matthew Charlton moved into Flat 3 of East Cliff Lodge, overlooking Teardrop Lake.

The view of the lake from his flat was spectacular, as he stood on his balcony and looked down at the glassy teardrop shaped lake, he could see at once how the lake got its name.

It was a calm still day and the modest body of water, just over two miles long and almost a mile at its widest point mirrored the surrounding ancient woodland of the Dancingdean Forest on its surface.

Teardrop Lake was truly beautiful and it certainly lived up to the hype and the privately owned woodland surroundings made it both idyllic and peaceful.

He thought as he drank in the view that he would be very happy there, he couldn’t imagine a more perfect place to start a new life.

 

Of course he hadn’t wanted to start a new life, he quite liked the old one.

Actually, he hadn’t wanted a divorce, he loved his wife, in fact he still loved his wife, but she apparently didn’t love him.

Although she claimed that she did love him, but he wasn’t sure how that worked.

Apparently he was too enabling, he wasn’t assertive enough, he was too accommodating, and in short he was too nice.

Whatever the problem was he didn’t understand it.

So they divorced, quite amicably for what that was worth and when the house in Roespring was sold he decided to make a new start, a completely new start at the age of 32 in an entirely different part of the county.

It was an old friend, who he’d known from Art School, Danny Pellegrino, who had recommended Teardrop Lake.

He said he had found happiness and love there only that summer and couldn’t speak highly enough of the place.   

Shallowfield and the Dancingdean Forest were a long way from Roespring and his old life, and his old wife.

Luckily Matt was a graphic designer by profession and worked from home for the majority of the time so it didn’t really matter where home was.

It was a miserable wet day when his brother Owen helped him move in after which he helped him get completely legless to christen the place. 

In fact they both drank so much they both slept through the arrival of the new tenant in flat 4 the next day.

 

Emily Waugh was also a recent divorcee who had moved to 

Teardrop for a new start and it was also on the advice of a friend.

Although because she had no siblings and as most of her closest friends had sided with her ex over the divorce, she had to leave the moving in to the professionals.

After which she spent her first night in the flat drinking alone.

Emily was 27 years old and diminutive at 4’ 11” with shoulder length brown hair streaked with red and gold.

Like Matt Charlton she too worked from home but her profession was editing for a natural history publisher, although her degree was in biology, she enjoyed her job though.

 

Matt found that the only problem with working from home was that it made it very difficult to meet people but he intended throwing himself headlong into life on the lake and he felt sure he would soon make new friends, and if he was struggling his friend Danny could always smooth the way when he returned from Australia at Christmas.

 

He knew that flat 4 was empty when he moved in but when Owen had left and his hangover had passed he noticed signs of habitation.

This was confirmed by Coleman Bowers who worked at the Shallowfield Lodge Hotel as an odd job/handyman.

But part of his duties was to take his hotel Skiff around the lake twice a week delivering the mail and small parcels to the big houses on the lake.

He was a proper country boy in his late fifties with white receding hair and a matching wiry beard.

He was also the font of all knowledge regarding the Lake and its inhabitants.

Coleman told him that the upstairs neighbours were both away but Flat 4 was occupied by a young single woman who in Coleman’s view was “a very attractive young-un”

So with 1 and 2 both away he thought he could at least introduce himself to his fellow newbie in Flat 4.

Matt grabbed the only bottle of wine he and Owen didn’t drink and went next door and knocked purposely on the door.

He offered the bottle of wine when the door opened and began

“Hi I’m…” but then he stopped as he took in fully the vision of the woman stood before him to whom he had just presented a bottle of wine.


The occupant of number 4, was indeed as Coleman described her “a very attractive young-un”

“What the hell are you doing here?” his ex-wife asked sharply

“I live next door” he responded

“I can’t believe it” she said “You followed me here?”

“Oh don’t flatter yourself Emily” Matt said and turned to walk back to his flat.

“I came here for a new start” Emily said and followed him

“So did I” he said and slammed the door

Emily knelt down and pushed open the letter box and shouted

“Well you’ll have to move”

He reopened the door and said slowly and deliberately

“I moved in before you, so you can move”

Then he snatched the bottle of wine from her hand and slammed the door again.

“Arghhhhh” she yelled as she went back to her flat and slammed her door.

 

He was furious, how cruel did life have to be.

Well there one thing was for certain even if he turned out to hate that flat he wasn’t going to move out before she did.

 

Emily was equally angry but also surprised at his forcefulness she thought to herself that if he’d shown that much gumption when they were married they might well still have been.

 

They both concluded independently that they would have to learn to coexist.

As long as the situation didn’t interfere with their work they would just have to make the best of a bad situation.

 

After a week had passed and there had been no further confrontation Matt sat down one day and started reading the local paper, the Shallowfield and Childean Chronicle, it was fairly typical of its type, but it was quite engrossing.

Especially the personals, he liked reading them as they made him laugh.

You had to figure out the shorthand for example, WLTM was would like to meet, NS was non smoker, LTR was long term relationship, and GSOH was good sense of humour.

They weren’t all as easy to work out, he had to Google OHAC because it sounded a bit exotic, but disappointingly it meant own house and car.

Once you knew the code you could decipher the ads.

Sue: was looking for no strings fun.

Anna: WLTM a man of any age and at any location.

Maria: was broadminded.

Sam: was looking for a discreet man for casual meetings and

Jane: was interested in Adult fun.

Quite a lot of them liked to dress up but it wasn’t patently clear what that meant.

He wasn’t sure if they meant they liked to wear posh frocks or a suit of armour.

He thought they were ones to give a miss to although he hadn’t read them because he intended to contact anyone.

That was until he read:

Pretty Divorcee 25: Size 12, Loves going out, socializing, Country Walks, Meals out.

Looking for like-minded man to fall head over heels in love with.

“I like the sound of you” he said and picked up the phone.

 

A few days later he was on his way to meet miss size 12 at a restaurant in Shallowfield called the Brown Windsor which his go to guy for local info Coleman told him was very good.

 

He had a haircut that morning at Mazzone’s in Childean and then he treated himself to a new shirt and jacket.

So when he walked into the Brown Windsor he was looking as good as he possibly could.

With his neatly styled brown wavy hair, brown twinkling eyes and a well-groomed close cropped beard.

And with a new shirt and jacket what could possibly go wrong.


Mark Roscoe, the restaurateur, showed him to the table where a diminutive young woman was seated with her back to the door.

“I’m sorry if I’m a little late” he said as Mark delivered him to the table

“That’s o….” she began

It was only at that moment the he made eye contact with his date.

“You have got to be kidding me” he said to his ex-wife Emily

She stood up and glared at him and then made straight for the door and Matt followed

“I take it sir and madam won’t be dining tonight” Mark said and opened the door.

As soon as they were on the street she turned on him

“You are determined to ruin my life” she said

“I’m ruining your life? Well I like that” he retorted

“How was I to know it was you, the girl in the ad sounded nice and there was not mention of the fact she was incurably selfish and emotionally retarded”

Although matt was short at 5’ 6” he still towered over her 4’ 11”.

But she still managed to be intimidating.

“You are unbelievable” she said but he turned and walked away

“Where do you think you’re going?” she shouted “I haven’t finished with you yet”

Matt turned around again and faced her.

“I don’t have to listen to you anymore, we’re divorced remember?” he said and walked away again.

“How could I forget” she shouted “it was the happiest day of my life”

Matt carried on walking but stopped briefly and called back over his shoulder.

“By the way, you’re 27”

 

After the Brown Windsor altercation he managed to avoid Emily for a few days and then he had to go to Abbotsford for a few days after that to meet with his agency and a client.

When he got back he quickly got showered and changed because he had made a date for a drink at the Woodcutters Arms at 8 o’clock.

He was there with ten minutes to spare and sat at the bar and ordered a pint, he sat on a bar stool and was halfway down his pint when she appeared and as soon as their eyes met their hearts sank.

“Oh no not again” Emily said “Will I ever be rid of you?”

She sat on the stool next to his and he ordered her a drink.

“Large white wine please” he said to the waiting barman.

He ran through his mind the ad he had placed in the Chronicle to try and figure out why this kept happening.

Genuine, reliable, traditional, sociable NS man 32 WLTM loyal, warm hearted, female for LTR.

 

The pair sat at the bar in silence for a few minutes.

“This really can’t go on like this” she said “you have to move”

“Well I’m not going to” Matt said

“But I really love it here” Emily said

“Hang on I love it here too why should I move?” he asked

“Because you don’t care where you live” she said “but I do”

“What are you talking about?” he retorted

“In five years of marriage you never once expressed a strong opinion on anything, but now you definitely know you want to live here, you’re just being vindictive” she said and got up and left.

 

Her words still rang in his ears

“In five years of marriage you never once expressed a strong opinion on anything”

It was true that he was easy going, but he didn’t see that as a character floor, it was just that he didn’t care whether they went on holiday to the Greek islands or to Cyprus, he knew he would enjoy either one.

It was true he had no strong opinion on the colour of the lounge carpet, the style of sofa or whether the walls should be papered or painted.

If he’d had a strong opinion he would have shared it and put her straight.

Choices mattered to Emily so he let her make them.

On Halloween there was a big fancy dress party at Forest Lodge, everyone on the Lake was invited, as well as some from Shallowfield.

Apart from Halloween, the party was for the host Peter Lutchford, the world renowned film director, to show off his fiancé Claire to the neighbour’s.

It was the first party Peter had held at the house since they had got together, the next party he planned would be for their wedding.

Peter was dressed as Herman Munster and Claire was his wife Lily and Peter’s actress sister Amanda Flanders was dressed as a witch which her brother Peter thought was type casting.

 

Because Emily was so small she struggled to get fancy dress costumed so she had the one costume which fitted her perfectly, a monkey costume, which she would accessorize to suit the occasion.

For Halloween she added vampire teeth and a cape and went as a Vampire Monkey.

 

Matt went to the party dressed as Satan and he had a great time he even got to dance with Amanda Flanders before he went into the conservatory to get another drink.

And it was then that he bumped into Emily again.

“Oh God not you again” she said “Are you stalking me?”

“Oh lighten up Emily” he retorted having had just enough to drink to not take her seriously.

“Lighten up? Lighten up?” she exclaimed all shrill “everywhere I go you’re there”

“Perhaps there’s a reason for that” he said “maybe the universe is trying to tell us something”

“No its not” she snapped “it’s not the Gods nor is it fate or providence and any other bloody superstition, it’s just bad luck”

“I think its serendipity” he said

“Oh shut up and take me home” she barked

“No” he replied and poured himself another drink

“Then call me a cab” she said

“Call your own bloody cab” Matt said and laughed

“Charming” she said “you used to do things for me”

“Yes I did and you called me a door mat and divorced me so if you need a bloody taxi, call it yourself” he said

“My father warned me about you” Emily said coldly

“It’s funny you should mention your father” He said

“He gave me some great advice on our wedding day, he said “Emily is my only daughter and I love her with all my heart, but she can be a selfish little cow, when she was little a spanked arse did the trick, it might still””

“You wouldn’t dare raise a hand to me and you’re not man enough to put me across your knee” she said and laughed in his face and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

He took her by the wrist and pulled her across his knee.

 

Peter and Claire walked into the kitchen laughing and Amanda said

“What’s so funny?”

“We just saw Satan spanking the monkey in the conservatory” Peter said

“Eww that’s disgusting” Amanda said

“No, it’s not like that” Claire said

“There’s a girl in a monkey suit and she’s being spanked by Satan”

“It still sounds dirty to me” Amanda said.

 

With the first slap on her plump cheek she wriggled and protested

“I should have taken your fathers advice and done this years ago” he said and gave her another good spank.

When he had finished spanking her she had long since finished protesting he stood her up and said

“Now I’ll take you home”

“Ok” she said meekly, rubbing her buttock with one hand and holding his hand with the other.

IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW – MARIA

 

If I knew then what I know now

When I was thirteen

I would have got to grips with Maria

Oh big busty Maria at the Durnsford Lido 

A full year older than me

Big soft and round everywhere that important

What a great summer it was

How much better it might have been

If I’d realized what was going on in my trunks

Was due to her close proximity

Then the summer was over

And I let her get away

That winter we moved away

And I never saw another summer with Maria again

If only I’d known then what I know now of life

WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE

 

When you love someone

And you know that they love you,

When they speak your name

It no longer sounds the same

IT ISN’T LOVE

 

It isn’t love, when you kiss all the time

Lust is what that is

The bits in between the kissing

Now that’s where the love is