Downshire
is a relatively small English county but like a pocket battleship it packs a
lot in, a short but beautiful coastline, a channel port, the Ancient forests of
Dancingdean and Pepperstock, the craggy ridges and manmade lakes of the
Pepperstock Hills National Park, the rolling hills of the Downshire Downs, the
beautiful Finchbottom Vale and farm land as far as the eye can see from the
Trotwood’s and the Grace’s in the south to the home of the Downshire Light
infantry, Nettlefield, and their affluent neighbour’s, Roespring and Tipton in
the North but it’s the leafy Village of Brocklington where our story takes
place.
Brocklington
is on the River Brooke about six miles downstream from Sharping St Mary in the
Finchbottom Vale, and one of the longest established families in the Village
were the Payne’s and their forbears had been in the Vale from the time Baron St
George first commissioned the building of the famous Mornington Mills, of which
only three had survived to the present day and even those were no longer
functional and were in various states of repair.
It was
largely down to their efforts that the once great wetland that centuries
earlier stretched from Mornington in the East to Childean in the west and from
Shallowfield in the south to Purplemere in the north had been successfully
drained for agriculture.
There were
only three small bodies of water left in the Vale now one in Mornington, one in
Childean and third of course was Purplemere.
The
significance of the Mornington Mills in relation to the Payne family was that
the man entrusted by the Baron to oversee the construction of the Mills was a Geoffrey
Payne.
His family
remained on the Mornington Estate for several centuries working for the St
George family, who had been landowners in Downshire since the Norman Conquests.
At one time
their lands covered the whole of the Finchbottom Vale however over time the
estate became much reduced and Brocklington fell outside of the Estates
boundary, and therefore so did the Payne’s.
The head of
the family was 80-year-old Nathaniel, but he now resided in the Oak Dale
Retirement Village and Nursing home in Dulcets Green and was unlikely to leave
anytime soon.
So
effectively the patriarchal head of the family elect was his eldest son David,
although in truth his wife Katie was actually the brains of the outfit and
David’s role was more as the figure head and Katie’s was one of absolute ruler.
One of her dictates
was Sunday lunch, on the first Sunday of every month the whole family were
expected to attend the ritual gathering of the clan.
Of course,
it wasn’t always possible for everyone to attend every month for a variety of
reasons but on the first Sunday in November it was to be a full house and that
had only happened once before, and the reason for the 100 percent turnout was
all because of eldest child Gary and the fact he was bringing his girlfriend.
Not that
Gary having girlfriend was unusual, far from it, in fact it would have been
difficult for the rest of the family to remember a time when Gary didn’t have a
girlfriend, and all of them had been unforgettable.
The reason
for that was that Gary’s choices would be best described as “interesting”
girls.
He didn’t
really have a type, which you would have thought he would have done as he was
almost 30 years old, but they didn’t even have hair colour in common, body
shape, size, height, intellect, athleticism or age.
There had
been Zoe, the tattooed one, bald Rachel, the multiply pierced Gretchen, a Butch
one called Lennon, a Barbie doll named Candie, a goth, a punk, a biker, a
pole dancer and a wrestler who answered to the name Crusher.
So, when
word got out the Gary was bringing home another curiosity, nobody wanted to
miss it.
His mother,
Katie, would have been happy enough had he not felt so compelled to keep
bringing them home, but he did, and he was rather like a cat who keeps bringing
home various recently departed creatures and dropping them on the doorstep for
mum to admire.
So, because
of the families’ curiosity there were 18 for Sunday lunch, including Gary and
whatever circus performer he might turn up with.
Not that
the numbers were a problem to Katie in fact she relished it, she loved to cook
and the more the merrier to her way of thinking, it was her disappointment in Gary
for his appalling taste in women and his wounded expression at her disapproval
which just seemed to say” I’ve done it again haven’t I?”
So, on
Sunday morning when Gary’s car was spotted pulling onto the drive Katie braced
herself as David looked out the window.
“Well?” she
asked reluctantly
“Oh” he
exclaimed
“Is the
good or bad?”
“It’s good”
he replied “she looks normal”
“Really?”
she asked in surprise and joined him at the window and observed her sons latest
squeeze, 5-6 slim brunette, well dressed, well-groomed and really rather
pretty.
“Everyone’s
going to be so disappointed” Katie said and smiled.
After all
the introductions had been done it seemed that not only did she look normal,
she appeared to be normal in every other respect, she conversed well and
expressed no strong or controversial political views, she didn’t guffaw or
shriek when she laughed, and everyone seemed to take to her very well as Gary
looked on nervously.
But it
appeared that the only odd thing about her was her name which was Larcee, which
made David raise an eye brow, but if that was the only strange thing about her
then he could live with that, but he had a nagging doubt at the back of his
mind that she might be too good to be true.
When lunch
was ready everyone made their way to the conservatory and took their places at
the huge table except those already designated to ferry in the food.
When the
table was sagging under the weight of Katies generous hospitality, David stood
up with a carving knife in one hand and a steel in the other and began stroking
the former on the latter and as Katie removed the platter lids to reveal a
forerib of beef and a turkey crown he said
“What’s it
to be Larcee beef or turkey?”
“Oh,
neither thank you, I don’t eat meat” she replied, and a vein started to throb
in his temple.
This didn’t
go unnoticed, so she intervened in a soothing tone
“Not to
worry dear, just eat the Yorkshire puddings and the vegetable, we have duck fat
roast potatoes, buttered parsnips, asparagus in cream sauce and a rich gravy”
“I can’t
eat any of that I’m a Vegan” Larcee stated and a stunned silence descended and
a moment later after composing herself Katie asked calmly
“You two have
been dating for two months now and you didn’t think that the fact she is a vegan
was important information to share with us when she’s been invited for a meal?”
“That was
my fault” Larcee said “I told him not to say anything”
“Why?”
Katie asked in disbelief
“I like to
see how people cope with the situation then I can gauge what kind of people
they are” she explained
“Really?”
Katie said and sat down and then David lay down his carving knife and shouted
“Well I’ll
tell you what kind of people we are, we are meat eating people, who use cheese,
butter and milk in their cooking, a lot of milk cheese and butter”
The tone
and volume of David’s retort made her recoil and she pushed back her chair from
the table and then he turned his attention on Gary
“As for you
son, I suggest you go out and find somewhere to buy a vegan meal for miss fussy
knickers”
“I’m not
fussy” Larcee protested “it’s a lifestyle choice”
“It’s a
fussy choice” David retorted
“What if I can’t
find one?” he asked meekly
“Then you’ll
have to take Lassie outside and find a pebble for her to suck”
“Its Larcee”
she snapped as she stood up
“And now I
know what kind of a person you are” she screamed
“Really? Do
tell me what you think” David said
“You’re a
pig Mr. Payne, that’s what I think”
“Well you’re
the only that does, because if everyone else did they’d have killed me and
cooked me already” he said brandishing the carving knife and she screamed before
she turned on her heels and left and Gary trotted after her
“You
enjoyed that didn’t you?” Katie asked
“Very much”
he admitted and they all laughed, and he continued with the carving.
After Larcee
departed with Gary in his wake the rest of the assembled clan turned their attention
lunch, but it took about 30 seconds before proceedings to descend into laugher
as they recounted the Vegan incident with several attempts by those present to mimic
Larcee and David’s confrontation and when that was exhausted they recounted
tales of Gary’s earlier disasters, which took most of the afternoon.
Gary caught
up with Larcee a little way down the road heading towards the station and it
took all of his effort to persuade her back to the car where he could drive her
home but suffice is to say that they were no longer an item whether she
accepted or not, and he was soon on the lookout for another girlfriend.
After
Larcee there were to be three more “interesting” girls invited to Sunday lunch
before he finally brought home an uninteresting one answering to the name of
Andrea, but it took three Sundays before she was finally declared normal and
Gary was able to look at his mum and not see disappointment in her eyes.
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