Wednesday, 17 November 2021

TIMING IS EVERYTHING

We were both young me and him

And full of vigour and vim

So why was our sex life so grim?

 

We understood the mechanics

We enjoyed each others bits

And knew where everything fits

 

So why? Pray tell me, was it

When we get down to do it

Our expectation were never met

 

We tried every artificial aid

Roll play and other forms of charade

So a radical decision was made

 

We visited a doctor’s surgery

In hope to relieve our anxiety

Hooray there was nothing wrong with me

 

I could set my mind at rest

That when he was rummaging in my vest

I was functioning at my best

 

There was no problem with me, but him

Though both full of vigour and vim

He was the reason our sex life was grim

 

Because when we got down to jigger

And he was grappling with my figure

It quickly set off his hair trigger

 

His defect was certainly a pity

But I decided to dump Mr. Brevity

And found a man with sexual longevity 

A PORT IN A STORM

 

Is it too much to ask

For my love to be returned

Just one simple gesture of warmth

That is all I’ve yearned

 

A burning passion is hoped for

Though in truth not expected

A heartfelt acknowledgement

But no heart has been detected

 

Drifting in and out of my life

As if I’m a convenient respite

Then when interest wanes

I am again alone in the night

 

Each bland uncaring rebuff,

Is another dagger to my heart

My love is treated with apathy

But I miss it when we’re apart

 

I chastise my self for my weakness

For accepting it and making do

I deserve better than this

I deserve a love that’s honest and true

 

I have paid all my dues

I have paid in like an endowment

Never made a withdrawal

Still there is no return on my investment

 

Now my will to continue is gone

As I am left once more Forlorn

I pray for my anguish to be at an end

Like a bird impaled upon a thorn

Downshire Diary – (29) The Girl in the Maternity Dress

 

It was Christmas Eve and it was understandably busy as Steve Berry stood behind the bar drying glasses and he watched his wife Holly as she walked around the lounge bar talking to the customers as was her usual habit.

He liked it as she walked from table to table, he liked the way the flared skirt moved across her lovely legs and found it quite sensual, she had a less graceful gait than she used to, but Steve still felt a great sense of pride that he was her husband and plus the additional pride that Holly was pregnant, very pregnant in fact.

It had been two years since they had met and she had changed the course of his life entirely.

 

It was Christmas again and Steve Berry had always had a dislike for it, despite all the jollity.

Unlike many of his Christmas mad friends he’d had no happy Christmas memories to anesthetise him against the season.

His childhood Christmases were memories he would rather have forgotten.

So he never trusted Christmas, he believed that shit lurked beneath the coloured lights and paper chains.

That was until Holly Davis opened his eyes to new possibilities and he realised that Christmas could also magnify joy and through her love Steve had been cured of his Christmas phobia.

 

After an excess of alcohol and some sneakiness from Holly he found himself working behind the bar in her Uncle Phil’s pub, the Pig and Whistle in Abbeyvale.

He was still, even to that day, uncertain quite how she managed to affect that, but affect it she did and during the ten days he spent working for her, she had turned his life upside down and it culminated at closing time on Christmas Eve as the church bells at St Mary’s chimed midnight, with him wishing her a Merry Christmas and kissing her.

Judging by the way Holly responded Steve hoped that the kiss on Christmas Eve might have been the start of something between them but alas for him it didn’t lead anywhere, immediately at any rate.

Holly had indeed responded to his advance and in fact had been hoping for it, but she knew it was far too soon to throw caution to the wind.

The effects of the kiss proved to be a slow burner which didn’t burst into flames until the early hours of New Year’s Day.

 

The two years since they first made love, had been very eventful, they became partners in January, engaged at Easter and Married in September. 

However it wasn’t only Steve and Holly’s fortunes that had changed over the preceding two years since they had met but so had those of the Pig and Whistle.

It had gone from a rundown dive with one large open bar to a thriving pub with a sports bar, a games room and a smart lounge plus it had a growing reputation as a gastro pub.

The restaurant had always been busy right from the outset but when Steve and Stephanos were in the kitchen, they provided good pub grub and no more, because they didn’t have the repertoire to take it to the next level.

However since Steve and Holly had returned from their Sharpington honeymoon the previous year with Chef Simon Clarke the restaurant had really taken off.

 

Simon Clarke had been working at the Granite Hill Country House Hotel where the Berry’s were staying for their honeymoon as a sous chef for an arrogant sadistic bully.

Now he was a Chef in his own right and Steve and Stephanos had grown as cooks under him.

So the reputation of the Pig and Whistles restaurant contributed greatly to the busyness on Christmas Eve.

 

So on Christmas Eve and Holly, despite being told to rest by Steve and everybody else, was doing her usual walkabout as hostess and as Steve looked at her he sighed because he was so in love with the lovely girl in the maternity dress.

 

Just like Christmas Eve two years before it was snowing, not as hard, but enough not to want to make any unnecessary journeys.

She had had a twinge or two which she just laughed it off, she said the baby had been really active all day.

“She’s dancing to the Christmas songs” she said to Steve “she really likes the Puppini Sisters”

But by 9 o’clock in the evening it was obvious the twinges were more than the baby Christmas Dancing and she was having actually having contractions.

Luckily Dr Claire Andrews was dining in the restaurant with friends

“Get Doc Andrews” Steve said to Petra

“Ok” she replied and ran off while Steve and one of the regulars helped Holly into the private room at the back of the bar.

 

“Where is she?” The doctor asked

“In here” Steve called

Dr Andrews threw her car keys to Petra

“Can you get my bag from the car please?”

“Yes doc” she replied

“Ooooooh” Holly exclaimed through gritted teeth “that was a big one”   

After Dr Andrews examined her she said

“She’s definitely in labour”

“I’ll call an ambulance” Steve suggested

“No she’s too far along” Claire said “the baby is going to be born here, and quite soon”  

“I’d be happier if we got her to hospital” Steve said

“So would I” Dr Andrews replied

“But she’ll never make it to the hospital”

“She’s really too close?” Steve asked

“Yes” Claire replied “so under the circumstance, here is going to have to do”

“Upstairs it is then” Steve said “but the first sign of an angel and three wise men and we’re calling an ambulance”

 

“Christmas is never dull with Holly” he thought to himself as one by one the remainder of happy customers disappeared into the snowy night amidst a peel of Happy Christmas wishes.

“I have to give her that”

 

Steve looked out the door as he said goodnight to the last customer and it was still snowing but still not hard.

He locked the doors and went back inside to where the live in staff were sitting, no one wanted to go to bed until the baby had been born.  

So they sat around a table in the bar until half past one when Noelle Claire Berry was born.

“How typical of Holly Berry to have the baby on Christmas Day” Steve said with tears in his eyes.

 

 

Downshire Diary – (15) The Girl in the Green Dress

 

Steve Berry had always had a distinct dislike for Christmas, in fact he hated everything about it, despite all the jollity and faux fun because unlike many of his Christmas mad friends he had no happy Christmas memories to anesthetise him against the season.

His parents were chronic alcoholics and each year their Christmas came in a bottle and thanks to his ill-tempered father, Steve’s came with a slap, so his childhood Christmases were festive memories he would rather have forgotten.

But adulthood brought no relief from the season and it always seemed to him that when shit happened Christmas just magnified the misery.

If someone died at Christmas the very season makes it more keenly felt and he could testify to that fact as his own mother died on Christmas Eve when he was 19.

He had no idea where his father was and quite frankly he didn’t care he never bothered to show up for the funeral and for all he knew he could have been dead as well.

So as a result he had never trusted Christmas, because he knew that shit lurks beneath the coloured lights and paper chains.

That was until Holly Davis opened his eyes to new possibilities and he realised that Christmas could also magnify joy.

 

But it wasn’t just Christmases that had always held horrors in his past, so did New Year’s Eve.

Steve wasn’t big on New Year’s Eve, it was not a time that held any deep significance for him and he found the whole idea of it rather pointless, why did people make such a fuss over going from one year to the next, to his mind it was meaningless, and that would have been reason enough for him to dislike it, far apart from the personal memories it evoked.

And the prominent memory was of one New Year’s Eve when he was just six years old that his parents locked him in his room while they went off on a three day bender.

But he had decided to try and put that behind him along with all the other bad memories and with Holly’s help he was hopeful that he might succeed.

Since the first day he met her she had helped him to tame his demons and it all began when Holly Davis temporarily took over running her uncles pub, the Pig and Whistle in Abbeyvale a week and a half before Christmas on Friday the 13th of December, Steve had got blind drunk and ended up spending the night in the lounge bar on one of the bench seats.

When he woke up the next morning with his face stuck to the mock leather of a bench seat and painfully sat himself up she produced a contract he had signed the night before agreeing to work for her at the pub until New Year’s Eve.

 

Despite his initial misgivings Steve had thoroughly enjoyed working with Holly at the Pig and whistle and he was still uncertain quite how she managed to affect that, but affect it she did and during the ten days he spent working for her, she had turned his life upside down and it culminated at closing time on Christmas Eve as the church bells at St Mary’s chimed midnight, with him wishing her a Merry Christmas and kissing her.

 

Because of the snow Steve was unable to get home on Christmas Eve so he spent the night in the spare room and they were then snowed in at the pub for Christmas day as well.

Holly was due to go for Christmas lunch at her cousin’s house but as she lived 30 miles away it was not possible to make the journey safely with the amount of snow that was still laying.

Steve was due to spend the day alone in his flat, not celebrating Christmas at all, but Holly invited him to spend the day with her instead.

After he cooked them lunch and they had watched the Queens Speech Holly cajoled him into unburdening himself about his aversion to the holidays.

That proved to be very revealing and was followed by more food, more drink and finally after exchanging Christmas presents they kissed passionately again.

 

In the week that followed the first Christmas he and Holly spent together and the first one he had ever celebrated, there was good deal more kissing as day by day they headed inexorably towards New Year’s Eve.

But Steve had a sense of foreboding as the days ticked by as his normal dislike for the occasion was magnified that year because it marked the final day of his contract at the Pig and Whistle and it could also mark the end of Holly’s Tenure at the pub and maybe even their budding relationship.

Holly had completely turned his life upside down and he had fallen hopelessly in love with her and the thought of going back to his old life in the New Year filled him with dread and the notion that he would never see her again was inconceivable but he wasn’t sure how he could prevent any of it happening.

 

Although he didn’t like it, New Year’s Eve was a very good earner for the pub and as the takings had not been optimised on Christmas Eve due to the snow, added to the fact that the figures had been disappointing in the interim due to the lingering snow and freezing conditions, so a good New Year’s Eve was absolutely vital to stay profitable.

With that in mind Holly and Steve had to spend most of the afternoon at the Cash and Carry stocking up on vital supplies.

“Right that’s the lot Hon” she said

 

A good New Year’s Eve was absolutely vital for Holly so with that in mind she and Steve had to spend most of the afternoon at the Cash and Carry stocking up on vital supplies.

“Right that’s the lot Hon” she said

“Are you sure that’s enough?” Steve asked facetiously

“That’s enough lip from you” she said and kissed him, and that simple kiss, was a symbol of their familiarity, and was also a milestone moment for them because although they had kissed many times in that week since Christmas Eve, they had only ever kissed when they were alone and certainly never in public. 

“If we sell that lot tonight I’ll be over the moon” she said although there wasn’t any chance that that might actually happen even if they did have an extension until 1.00am but they would give it a try.

Steve normally spent New Year’s Eve at home in self-imposed exile at his flat, watching a DVD and hiding from the world and pretending that New Year’s Eve was just a bad dream but that year with Holly was going to be very different.

 

At least on New Year’s Eve there were none of the annoyingly jolly Christmas songs, there was only one really annoying New Year’s song and that was usually confined to midnight.

There was a steady trade in the bar, far more than Christmas Eve, but not exactly record breaking numbers, and Steve thought they most of the supplies they had bought earlier at the Cash and Carry,  would remain unsold.

But just after 9 o’clock the numbers swelled and continued swelling until the place was absolutely banging.

There were seven of them working that night but only six at any one time behind the bar and they were absolutely rushed off their feet and the till’s never stopped ringing.

The staff and a hard core of the regulars were in fancy dress for the occasion.

Debbie was a French maid, Stephanos was in a toga, Clare was a Witch, Ausra was a Gypsy, Petra was a clown and Steve was a pirate, while Holly, as was her custom, was dressed immaculately, and on that occasion she was dressed as the Emerald Lady in a wonderful green dress adorned with a garland of holly leaves and around her neck was the holly leaf pendant that Steve gave her for Christmas.

By the end of the night, which absolutely flew by, he had to admit that he hadn’t enjoyed a New Year’s Eve more in his life, even though his feet were killing him.

When the last of the punters had been ushered out the door and the bolt shot at 1.25 am, Holly said

“Thank God for that, put the kettle on” and then she kicked off her shoes.

Everyone pulled together and gathered up all the glasses and cleared them to the kitchen and then Steph and Clare brought out the drinks on a tray

“Where are the others?” Holly asked

“They’re loading the glasses into the machine” Clare replied “You know what Steve’s like”

“Tell them not to worry” she said “We’ll do it in the morning”

Holly frowned and then corrected herself

“We’ll do it in later this morning”

 

So they all sat together drinking their tea and coffee and laughing at the exploits of one or two of the more enthusiastic punters but very soon there was only Holly and Steve left

“Do you want another tea?” he asked

“I’d rather have a proper drink” she replied “You could join me if you’re staying over”

He nodded and went behind the bar and returned shortly with two glasses of wine and as they sat together drinking she said

“My feet are so sore”

“Put them up here then” he said tapping his knee “I’ll rub them for you if you want”

“Oh yes please” she said and put both stocking feet on his knee

“Hold up” he said “one at a time”

Holly laughed and put one foot down.

“Oh that’s really lovely” she said as Steve began massaging her little foot and that was all he got out of her for the next twenty minutes until he was halfway through her other foot when she said.

“You’re a free man now”

“What do you mean?” Steve asked

“The contract” she said

“It was only up to and including New Year’s Eve it’s now New Year’s Day so you are free to return to your old life”

“Good” he said sharply and Holly baulked at the force of the word.

“Because now I am here because I want to be”

And Holly’s face broke into a broad smile and took her foot off his lap so she could kiss him.

 

They made love for the first time in the early hours of New Year’s Day and as they lay entwined in the semi darkness Holly said.

“We make a good team, I think we could run this place together”

“What about Phil?” Steve asked

“Ah I may have misled you regarding Uncle Phil” she confessed

“In what way?”

“He’s not coming back” Holly said

“Why not?” Steve asked

“He’s ill” Holly replied sadly

“Really? How ill?”

“The “he won’t see another Christmas kind” of ill”

“Oh” he responded sadly “so he’s not on holiday?”

“No” she admitted “I am in the process of buying the pub from him”

“That’s a big step” he said

“I know” she agreed “but I have years of experience in Hospitality and you’re a good accountant”

“Oh I see, so you only want me for my numeracy” he said

“No I only want you for your foot rubs” Holly corrected him

“Ok then it’s a deal” he said

“Are you sure?” she asked “We will have to celebrate all the holidays”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything” he replied and they sealed the deal with a kiss which was a prelude to them making love again, but Steve paused briefly and said

“You do realize what would happen if we were to marry?”

“What’s that?” she said pleasantly surprised that his thoughts had already strayed to the possibility of marriage

“You would become Holly Berry”

“I could live with that” she said and brought the discourse to a passionate conclusion.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I WILL BE AS THE GRANITE ROCK

I will be as the granite rock

In your times of sorrow

I will be the joy in all your yesterdays

And again in your tomorrows

I will love you forever

Until the poets run out of rhyme

Or the sun no longer shines

I will love you till the end of time

LOVES METAPHOR

 

Not even the angels above

Could make a better match

So please be with me

And I will make you happy

Such is the depth of my lasting love

Intense and profound

Deeper than the deepest ocean

Enduring till that watery abyss

Dries to sun baked desert

And its powdery form runs

Through your fingers

And loves metaphor is blown away

Like smoke on the wind

I AM NO SUPERMAN

 

I am no superman

No man of steel,

I am not superhuman

Not endowed with special powers

 

I have no heart of stone

Nor feet of clay

I am human

Prick my finger, see me bleed

I am no angel

Nor am I devil

I am not inhuman

Not devoid of emotion

 

I am just a man

Ordinary, average

Unremarkable

With hopes and dreams

Plans and aspirations

And a heart to give

When I meet her